2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When we leave a love relationship, we experience an emotional, physical, financial and social separation of life with another person,
with which our life was previously united. Separation of a "love couple", "divorce" - is experienced as grief and "death" of love. Some call this stage the "ruined house". Therefore, this is one of the difficult periods, the end point of which should be the achievement of your autonomy (emotional, physical, financial) and the separation of life from another person.
- Katya, listen, come on, can I just tell you now, but you won't get angry and think?
- I am not angry
- Katya, let's at least for a while, at least for a few days, we will stop destroying each other, I beg you. I just can't do that either. We can, well, we just can now decide nothing at all (c).
An indicator of the beginning of the process of breaking up a love or family relationship is emotional breakup.
Feelings within the couple: Alienation, cooling, distrust, jealousy, fading of love feelings, quarrels.
The reasons for the emotional breakup can be different goals and values, lack of readiness for life together, other love.
Requirements and claims are expressed, as a result of which a decision on separation or "time-out" is announced for the first time.
FEATURES OF LIVING LOSS 1. shock and denial
Attempts to bring the partner back. One of the options is the denial of their own experiences: "in fact, I feel wonderful and even happy about it." Resources: “accepting” the very thought of parting, being aware of your feelings, comprehending them is a companion of the healing process. Resource is the ability to "think" about your feelings, but not only to experience them. 2. grieving associated with the departure of a partner and the collapse of the couple's plans.
Typical experiences of this period: loneliness, regret, sadness.
The desire to withdraw into oneself, to abandon the usual pace of life, a feeling of emptiness.
You are experiencing a loss. Perhaps a sudden feeling of longing for a partner, feelings of guilt for what happened, a desire to return and "agree".
There may be a desire to escape from pain and loneliness, in sudden feelings of "euphoria" and in attempts to heal wounds in new relationships - but as a rule, filling in the emotional emptiness that arises in this way will reveal it again in the future. Resources: friends, work, time.
It is necessary to fill in the emotional deficit and emptiness - to "warm up", this can be done in the following ways:
- Look for meeting opportunities with friends, colleagues, or new people. For you, this is an exchange of experience, and filling with new experiences.
- Set goals and plan your life. The less tasks and goals you have in life, the stronger the feeling of longing and loneliness. Therefore, consider your life from a new point of view: hobbies, travel, a child who needs you, a career.
- Try to treat your feelings with acceptance and understanding, without trying to find the reason, and the answers. This is the stage of weakness in which you must take care of yourself. What can you do for yourself?
Perhaps this is solitude, your chance, where you can learn something new about yourself,
to try yourself in new aspirations, to get to know yourself with new people, to know your ability to love, to know your sexuality - to see yourself. 3. Anger:
Anger at the partner who made the decision to leave. Feeling of betrayal, desire for revenge. Anger can manifest itself in the form of self-aggression: "feelings of guilt", the desire for self-punishment. Anger helps to devalue what was once important and valuable. Resources: The best thing to do in a state of anger is to limit your interactions with your ex, and find ways to express anger by taking anger as a motivation for action. What helps you express your anger and what would you like to achieve?
4. Fear: Separation is difficult to experience because it is related to our deepest need - the need for attachment. We need a close relationship in which we can receive care and affection, and when we lose a loved one, we tend to instinctively experience anxiety. Changes in the financial and social aspects of life also provoke fears during separation. Resources: In addition to our life partner, we are cared for by those around us: parents, children and friends. Your environment is your support. Own resource is personal self-sufficiency, skills and abilities.
Remember yourself, how you were before the relationship? How would you like to be now? 5. Apathy Changes in life, accompanied by the above-described feelings associated with parting, "mental chewing gum" - take away the strength from the body. In a long-term relationship, our own personality is closely intertwined with the personality of our partner (common tastes, memories, goals, values, interests), therefore, losing another person from our life, we lose a part of ourselves. And this double loss is disarming. The time that is now is the time to recuperate and renew yourself. Resources: Taking care of yourself, taking time for yourself, loving yourself. No one will take care of you better than yourself.
5. Acceptance: Acceptance of the partner's motives for breaking the relationship and acceptance of the separation itself comes only when you restore balance in your life: comprehend your loss, finding in it not only a negative outcome of events, but also positive results from the experience. you will find in solitude the experiences of a new self, with new goals and aspirations organize a new social sphere around you, where you are an independent, self-confident person, open to new experiences and ways, forgive the partner who was in a relationship with you, because he, like You may be an insecure, weak, doubting person.
In the process of experiencing these stages, you may be faced with the solution of issues related to financial separation. The stages lived during this period will alternate with each other. For some, the living of the loss lasts six months, and for others at least 17 months. Your companion is time and self-awareness.
The people who are in our life, and we ourselves, are changing, and the roads are not always united. As my client told me, even in medicine, the fact is recognized that in 7 years blood cells are renewed - and completely different people may appear next to us, in the guise of a lover, mistress, husband or wife.
But it is important to remember that you yourself are becoming a different person, which means that you are able to recover from losses and find happiness with those who are ready to share it.
With love and faith, your psychologist.
Feeling powerless in experiencing one of the stages? Contact for consultation. I will be there during this difficult period. Ask your questions in the comments, and perhaps they will become the topic of the next article. Thank you so much for the inspiring stories that help me write these articles.
Author: Shmarlovskaya Olesya Anatolievna
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