2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The expression "I cannot digest it" in this case reflects the resentment and refers to the digestive tract. Some researchers have suggested that uterine cancer is associated with a woman's resentment against a man. The body is under stress. Adaptation is reduced, immunity may be impaired. Psychosomatics strikes at the weakest point.
If anyone has offended you, take revenge with courage. Remain calm - and this will be the beginning of your revenge, then forgive - this will be the end of it. An old aphorism
Resentment appears when our expectations are not met. And it becomes unbearable if we drive it deeper and plunge into illusion. What is behind such a burning and unpredictable feeling?
INFANTITY IN ILLUSIONS
You expect that a friend will treat you with love and devotion, but he behaves differently … You wait for one reaction, but you face another. Who is responsible for this? Of course, myself. My expectations were far from reality. I simulated one behavior of my loved ones, but it turned out to be different. It means that she was modeling incorrectly. And then I get a signal that either my perception of people, the situation is wrong, or people do not treat me the way I would like.
Perhaps this is a signal to reconsider the relationship.
Reason to check: “Am I assessing this person correctly? Did I expect such an act from him?"
The situation prompts the conclusion: the image of the offender is subject to renewal, as a rule, not for the better. Touchy people can be infantile, they live in illusions. Overcoming resentment helps them mature and give up these fantasies.
FEAR, PAIN OR ANGER?
This powerful feeling sometimes determines the strategy of life, in which the goal is to prove to someone that he is wrong, or to take revenge. Resentment can spread to many relationships. It is not for nothing that a woman who is offended by her father has negative feelings towards her husband. At such moments, fear, pain, anger appear, at times the thought that I am worthless, or pride: "How could I, so wonderful, have been underestimated?" There is tension in the muscles. The work of internal organs may be disrupted: a heartbeat appears, the intestines and liver do not cope very well with their functions.
The expression "I cannot digest it" in this case reflects the resentment and refers to the digestive tract.
Some researchers have suggested that uterine cancer is associated with a woman's resentment against a man. The body is under stress. Adaptation is reduced, immunity may be impaired. Psychosomatics strikes at the weakest point.
STEPS TO FORGIVENESS
What to do with resentment? You need to get rid of the emotional part of it, and take the rational part with you. For starters, you just need to want to forgive. Forgiveness is not a one-time action, but a process.
There are several steps in the process:
1. WE UNDERSTAND WHO AND FOR WHAT WE OFFENSE. During this period, we can transfer the actions of the abuser to the area of relations. "When he told me … it meant that he was referring to me …"
2. CLEAR EXPECTATIONS. Let's say I expected to be loved and respected, but they …
3. EXPLAIN THE BEHAVIOR OF THE ABUSE. Use all the knowledge about this person - biography, values, known to you, to explain to yourself the motives of his behavior.
4. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. Admit your fear, anger, pain, devastation, discouragement, and so on. Live in these feelings and they will pass or change. Humility will appear. Then you ask yourself: "What happened to me when I was expecting something else?"
5. WE ASK YOURSELF: "WHEN I REMEMBER AN OLD OFFENSE, DOES THIS CAUSE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS?" If so, then you continue to carry negativity with you. If you remember this story calmly, then you have drawn a grain of reason from it. In the future, in a similar situation, you will behave differently.
PARABLE "RATIONAL GRAIN"
Once upon a time there was a man. He was very touchy and carefully guarded all his grievances. They, like weights, were chained to his feet: very tiny, medium, large. Once there were so many of these "weights" that a person could not go further. He stopped - and neither here nor there.
A sage passed by.
The man asked him: "What should I do?" “Look,” the sage replied, “weights are on your feet, take them off.” The man took off, although not without regret, because these were his accumulated grievances.
“Now we have drunk our weights and in the middle of each of them you will find a tiny grain. Take this box and put the seeds you found in it,”said the sage.
The man began to saw the weights, and in each he found a tiny grain. When he had folded all the grains, there was still room in the box. And the box was light. Then the man realized that he must leave his heavy weights on the road. He took only a box with him and walked on easily.
As you move from one step to the next, remember - never turn from victim to abuser.
We walked these steps together with Svetlana, who has long been hiding her grievances against her father. Svetlana is 26 years old, she is not married. Her father is sick with alcoholism. Throughout her life, Svetlana suffers from sharp criticism of her father on various occasions. Mom tries her best to avoid conflicts, so she is silent. In childhood, Svetlana did not suffer from her father's drinks. She says that they even rejoiced with their brother when their father came drunk. He was kind, smiling, generous with chocolates. But he criticized every step of his daughter. This continues to this day.
FIRST STEP I ask Svetlana to give an example of any offense. - With what action or with what word did your father offend you the last time? Svetlana says that she recently went to a hairdresser and cut her hair down to her shoulders. Before that, she wore longer hair. As soon as she appeared at home with a new hairstyle, beautiful, in her opinion, her father said: “Well, you are a fool for getting your hair cut. I liked long hair. Svetlana's mood soured.
SECOND STEP Clarifying expectations. - What did you expect from your father, returning home from the hairdresser? - I did not expect compliments, he is stingy with compliments. But I could not even imagine such an insult.
STEP THREE Explaining the behavior of the abuser. - How can you explain this behavior of your father? - He used to express himself harshly, in a commanding tone. He is a military man, a lieutenant colonel. His mother, my grandmother, often criticized him. Maybe it has something to do with his own childhood or with his work. Moreover, neither my mother nor I ever objected to him. We are used to swallowing resentment. - What if his reaction to his hair was an act of love for you? Does he love a beautiful daughter with long hair and is upset when she experiments with her appearance? - Looks like he loves. Only his criticism is so ingrained in my soul and old grievances are so alive that I react very painfully to such remarks.
FOURTH STEP Clarify and express your feelings. - You went to your room. How did you feel there? - I cried, I was angry with my father, I was in pain. Then I was discouraged. - Who could you tell about your feelings? - Nobody. - How long did your depression last? - Perhaps a day or two. “You know your dad so well. What happened to you when you expected a different reaction from him? How did you predict his behavior? - I didn’t predict. - Now you have to foresee all this and prepare for different options. Do you plan to someday start defending yourself? You are 26 years old, you earn money for yourself. Do you have the right to do whatever you want with your hair? - Yes, but I'm used to being silent. I want to be a good daughter. “Good daughters have healthy personality boundaries, and they have a responsibility to protect them. How is this resentment felt now? - Yes, it’s as if everything had passed. And the case was trifling. You shouldn't have been so upset.
Live with grudge
“Forgiveness comes naturally with understanding. When it turns out to understand and realize: he did so because he had his reasons, his own history, perhaps his own pain. Forgiveness that rests on obligation or fear of the negative consequences of resentment is not, in fact, forgiveness. Resentment is born only in relation to those people who are close to us, whom we love or have loved, those from whom we expect support, acceptance, love.
It is all the more important to try to understand them, accept them in their imperfection and truly forgive. If it does not come out to forgive, then our resentment continues to live with us and destroy us. She does have a somatic echo. And there is a hypothesis that resentment is at the root of cancer. But, I emphasize: a hypothesis. Psychosomatic disorders are associated with psychological aspects, but not unambiguously: some get sick, others do not Artur DOMBROVSKY
FIFTH STEP Remembering an old grudge does not cause painful feelings. Svetlana makes a decision: "Next time I will act differently." She has already forgiven her father. All the steps have been taken, and Svetlana is not going to turn from a victim into an offender. She will not take revenge on her father. As a child, she wanted revenge on both dad and mom. Then she thought: "Now, if I got hit by a car, they would know." Her passive aggression was directed towards herself in fantasy. So Svetlana and I went the healthiest path - from resentment to forgiveness. You, too, can do this and go further easily, without heavy memories and resentments.
"OFFENSE AS A THING IN THE BODY" In complete solitude, in silence, in a comfortable position, in a state of relaxation, try to present your offense as a thing in the body. Think about it. Where does your resentment live (in the chest, in the head, in the arms, in the legs)? How big is it? What colour? What is the consistency (liquid, solid, gaseous)? What is the temperature (cold, warm, hot)? How does it feel (sticky, soft, etc.)?
After you have a good idea of this "thing", decide if you like what is inside of you? If not, then take this thing out of your body. Make a movement with your hands, you can "get it", throw it away, burn it, throw it down the drain. Now listen to your body. What is now in the place where you took out the grudge? There may be a feeling. Or emptiness. Fill the void with pleasant sensations.
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