DOWN TO EARTH AND OUT OF THE PIT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The twenty-two-year-old Veronica who came to me had a lively and inquisitive look, a friendly smile, grace in body and elegance in demeanor *.

The forty-six-year-old mother accompanying her (I will call her Diana) was tense, somewhat stooped, her chin tense, and her eyes expressed both dejection and determination. This coexistence of discouragement of decisiveness I later called decisiveness in discouragement.

As usual, I asked the couple who came to me a question, what made them go to a psychologist. Veronica was the first to speak, but immediately fell silent under the determined gaze of her mother. Diana began by expressing the great hope that she places on me by "bringing her daughter down from heaven." Further, Diana said that her daughter, without graduating from a university in Ukraine, wants to enter a university in Poland, live and work in another country. In the course of my questions, it was found out that Veronica's father left the family when his daughter was six years old, since then he has seen his daughter once, and for many years "there is no hearing or spirit from him." Diana had a small business that required a lot of energy from her. Until recently, Diana characterized her relationship with her daughter as close, open and conflict-free. Everything changed when Veronica had plans to get an education in another country. A few days before our meeting, Veronica did not come home to spend the night for the first time without informing Diana about it. Upon returning home, a violent scandal erupted between mother and daughter, during which many offensive words were said to each other.

Turning to Veronica, I asked what she thought about what was said. By this moment, Veronica's eyes had gone out a little, she no longer looked like that liberated girl who appeared in front of me a few minutes ago. Veronica spoke, biting her lips nervously. The girl said that she had nothing to add to her mother’s story, that everything the mother said was true. I asked Veronica a question: “Mom, she says that you are in heaven. By this she wants to say that you are not aware of the difficulties, risks and responsibilities. This is true?". Veronica burst into tears and asked me a question: "Are you going to persuade me too?" I assured Veronica that the conviction would not be used by me either in relation to her or in relation to her mother.

There were several tasks before me. The first of them is to establish a peaceful dialogue between mother and daughter, give them the opportunity to hear each other, treat each other's arguments with due attention and respect. The second is to appreciate the concept of "life worlds" of mother and daughter. And the third is to contribute to the personal development of each of them.

The rules I introduced for speaking out during meetings, homework assignments (such as a "discussion with timeout", keeping a diary, a drawing, etc.).

Veronica really lacked some realism in her plans, her plans were not devoid of romance and a burning desire to be sure to achieve them. "Through hardships to the stars", - said Veronica.

Diana, on the contrary, gave in to doubt almost all of her daughter's arguments, was unnecessarily anxious and rigid. For a long time, Diana's rhetoric was unchanged: “I want the best,” “I want to protect you,” “I am afraid that you will ruin your life.”

“Do you want Veronica to become an adult?” I asked Diana during individual work with her. - "Yes, of course!" - Diana answered. - "If she waits only for disappointments, trials and losses, will Veronica want to become an adult?" A shadow of doubt and understanding flickered in Diana's eyes.

During our next meeting with Diana, I managed to find out that as a young woman she wanted to become an archaeologist, she was attracted by history, geography, literature, but she became an economist, since this specialty seemed to her and her environment more "real". When I asked if Diana would like to be an archaeologist today, the woman answered without hesitation: “Of course, yes! It's so interesting. Real life".

The day after this session, the three of us met with Diana. By that time, Veronica's wide-open eyes expressed alarm and admiration at the same time; she obviously enjoyed and was encouraged by our work together. During this meeting, I did the eye-to-eye exercise: “You are very similar. Especially the eyes. But at the same time, your eyes are so different. Look each other in the eye. Touch with your eyes. Diana, what do you see in your daughter's eyes? What energy are they charged with? …”Diana began to cry. "The energy of youth," she said through tears. - "What else?". - "As if fear" - answered Diana.

Yes, it was fear, fear of the future, the future, which was no longer seen in the "rose-colored glasses", however, which at the same time remained attractive, inviting, seductive. An amazing state inherent in youth - fear and heroism overcoming it.

At the final one-on-one meeting, Diana recounted a dream she had after the joint session: “I am getting out of the hole. From a very dark pit in which nothing can be seen. A hand is snagging from the pit. I don’t know whose. But I feel like I'm being pulled out. Finally I get up, the hand that pulled me out turned out to be the hand of Veronica. The sun is blinding me, everything is bathed in the sun, so bright that I get disoriented. Veronica says: "Mom, let's go to the sea." And we go. Veronica is in front, and I run behind, but she is still ahead. I'm running on yellow sand. Veronica starts screaming with delight and jumping. I look at my striped skirt, it's so cute. And then I woke up."

At the final joint meeting, Diana made plans for the future, was going to support her daughter with all possible forces and seemed even more inspired than Veronica.

P. S. A year later, Diana got married. Veronica will soon be finishing her studies in Germany. Mother and daughter maintain a warm, trusting and mutually supportive relationship.

* Public presentation of the story is agreed with its participants