2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A traumatic person has characteristic filters inside: he rejects everything that is warm and accepting, and accepts everything that is critical and devaluating. Though he gets hurt at the same time.
This amazing phenomenon exists because
1. The traumatic as a child had no experience of acceptance. No matter how hard you try, whatever you do, everything is not so, everything is bad. Or not good enough.
The main parenting message: “You are not what I want. Be different, convenient to me."
2. The educator used acceptance as bait for further use.
Lessons learned: good girls and boys get praise, bad ones - aggression, discontent, rejection, revenge, etc.
3. If the caregiver's mercy was replaced by anger (heat is chaotically replaced by cold), the traumatic person fixates on the loss: all good things will certainly end.
Experience gained: we only dream of peace, be on the alert, watch, control - when the wind changes. And be ready for this.
Such a person is always worried, afraid to take heat, because memory tells: then there will be a break, it will be bad. Unable to endure uncertainty, uncertainty, he himself provokes a break in relations. "Better a horrible end than endless horror."
In this way, the deprived again and again refuses what he needs most of all - acceptance, warmth, human attention, care, interest.
“This man wants something from me,” thinks the woman who received the compliment.
“I was praised by chance, and soon everything will be over,” the other thinks, not believing that she can be appreciated by her bosses and clients.
“You have to try very hard to be good in order to be liked”, -
this is the unconscious message of people who are convinced of their badness, who do not believe in their importance to other people.
If you respond to the world with just such reactions, then you, being hungry, refuse to eat.
Why?
In order to understand yourself, it would be good to answer the questions
How do I feel about compliments, praise, attention to myself, taking care of me? Do I trust the people who give them away? If not, why not?
How does this relate to what happened to me as a child?
How much did I feel the right to be myself - with my feelings, desires, unwillingness, disobedience? Were they treated with respect and understanding?
Or should I only have to meet the expectations of the educators?
What happened if I was somehow different, not what was expected? Could I be accepted so differently, not expected?
Rejecting heat, collecting cold, the traumatic does not cease to need acceptance.
He continues to wait for recognition of his goodness, recognition of the right to his existence, to his rights - from people who are significant for him.
In client therapy, I feel this expectation.
It is not spoken, but it hangs in the air like a dense mass.
A dense mass of longing, bitterness, resentment and anger. And hope.
I know: until my client speaks, does not voice his expectation from me (and in fact from his mother), he will not budge. He will not take care of himself, he will not want to love himself, he will refuse to recognize his talents and merits.
“Do you expect something from me? Something right? Permits?”I ask.
The inner child wants me (and in fact, his mother) to say:
You don't have to work that hard, go play. I love you like that too.
I don't need you to take care of my feelings, I can handle it myself;
You can show yourself, your talents without fear. I will support you.
I was wrong when I didn't take your feelings seriously. They are very important, you can trust them.
I will not leave you if I don’t like something in your choices;
I will stay in a relationship with you, even if our choices don't coincide.
Tell me what interests you. I really want to know who you are.
Young children really want permission to be not only good and obedient.
They want to taste life, play, take risks, look for themselves.
And they really need relationships with people who are significant to themselves.
“I never managed to be the navel of the earth as a child,” one client told me.
And I really want to be in the spotlight…. So that people around say: "What a beautiful girl, how well she does everything!" And to be clapped … They clapped me many times.
May I be the navel of the earth?"
She, like many traumatics, wins her dignity and her rights from the mortifying inner figure - drop by drop.
She has been in therapy for several years, and already knows how to take (as it seems to me, there is from a teaspoon)
I can allow her, knowing that she can take: You can!
You can be the navel of the earth. For myself. Day, week, month … How much you need.
Listening to yourself, do not suppress desires, but embody them.
Allow yourself to "do nothing" … at least an hour a day, if you are afraid to allow yourself many hours at once))
You can not drag yourself by the scruff to "unpleasant" people, even if it is "necessary", but allow yourself to resist. Or completely abandon destructive contacts.
You can play the "navel of the earth" with loved ones, whom you trust. Play in turn … The main condition is that everyone admires the navel, everyone loves him, they clap him!
A hungry person cannot get enough if he refuses to eat.
The main thing is not to forget to assimilate.
In psychological terms - to appropriate.
Everything appropriated gradually becomes habitual)
Veronika Khlebova,
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