WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF THE PIT INDEPENDENTLY

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People often turn to me with the question: is it possible to solve this or that problem on my own, without seeking help from a psychologist? Is it possible to get out of depression on your own? Is it possible to independently resolve an internal neurotic conflict? Get rid of a phobia? Solve family conflicts on your own?

Now, this is very difficult. There are a number of reasons why it is extremely difficult to get out of the pit of life's problems on your own.

1. We are lying to ourselves

Everyone lies to themselves, even psychologists lie to themselves, so they often turn to other psychologists. We lie to ourselves about how good we are and how bad we are. It’s time that we don’t take offense at our parents, it’s time that we have excellent relations in the family, it’s time that our children are happy, we are lying that we are happy … We are deceived when we see problems in others, and sometimes when we see problems in ourselves. We are lying for a reason, but because we are ashamed, we don’t want to feel disappointed, we want to remain good and the most innocent, or so that people close to us remain good.

2. We do not see our mistakes at close range

Sometimes for the first reason. And sometimes, because we don’t consider what we saw as an error. We impute rights to ourselves where we have no rights: to someone else's freedom, to someone else's will, to a special attitude. Once, when I was still in school, I made a completely stupid mistake in the example. For example, I wrote 2 * 2 = 5. The teacher called me over and suggested that I find the mistake myself. I look at the example and don't see what the problem is. Well 5, what's wrong? It's the same in adulthood. Only the tasks are more difficult, and the answer is picky.

3. Unwillingness to take responsibility, search for the guilty

And we do not want to notice our mistakes because it turns out that we are to blame. And so while it seems that another person is to blame (husband, parents, boss, work colleague, girlfriend). Finding someone to blame is an indispensable impulse of the inner child. After all, if something goes wrong, it means that someone is to blame. As soon as the culprit is found, he must be punished. Because the guilty must be punished! And here again the quirk turns out - even after the "guilty" is punished, the situation for some reason does not change, the problems are not solved …

4. I want to be good, perfect, perfect

After all, if I, and not someone else, created the problem, it turns out that I am not perfect, I am a bad person, not smart, bad. And so I want to be smart, good, kind, fair, correct!

5. Wrong conclusions from past experience

Here the relationship did not grow together, the beloved went to another woman. What is the first conclusion that suggests itself? It is true that men are reptiles, that relationships are sheer betrayal, that life is pain. Further, these conclusions are taken into account and the next steps are taken based on false concepts.

6. A set of false, limiting beliefs

If the problem is created, then the person's beliefs led to it, which he does not want to give up. For example, "love happens only once in a lifetime." The first time didn’t grow together, it didn’t work out (first love rarely ends at all "lived happily ever after") and that's it, that's it. And a person sits further with such a conviction, suffers and does not see the meaning in life, since the only true love is a "profukan". The way out of this situation is to rewrite the false belief. And how to independently understand which belief is false and which is true and constructive? After all, everything that we know, we often take at face value. False beliefs can stem from a previous reason (incorrect conclusions of past experience), or they can gain a foothold, like imprints, introjects (somewhere they read, somewhere my mother told, somewhere they spied on a friend).

7. Fear, unwillingness to face old pain

We all come from childhood. And if there is no money, the husband is cheating, the children do not obey, the girlfriends betray, the bosses pressurize, then the origins of 99.9 percent of all these troubles are in childhood. It is that old pain that echoes in current experiences. And in order to resolve current difficulties, you often have to plunge into unpleasant, painful memories. That which was so long was carefully kept in the backyard of memory. And here the most powerful self-sabotage turns on: “I don’t want! I can’t! I won’t!”. It’s scary, painful to open up old mental ulcers, but on your own it’s not realistic at all. It's like pulling out a tooth yourself. We feel sorry for ourselves, we divert ourselves away from the solution of the problem. Better to do poultices, listen to meditations, do yoga and put a candle in church.

To independently solve your problems, you need to be extremely honest with yourself, with yourself. You need to give yourself the right to make mistakes, to allow yourself to be weak, not perfect, not perfect. Be ready to accept ANY of your feelings and wishes, whatever they may be. Allow yourself to cry, scream. Be prepared to face painful experiences face to face. Stop judging ourselves and others, accepting ourselves and others for who we all are. Take responsibility for solving the problem, without looking back at others, stop looking for the guilty ones. Write out an indulgence for yourself, forgive yourself, accept your story as part of your experience, as a contribution to the treasury of worldly wisdom.