About The Benefits And Harms Of The Phrase "Calm Down"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Quite often in my life I hear people say the word “Calm down”. It is pronounced sometimes in different situations, with different intonations and with different messages.

Today I want to talk about such situations when this phrase is pronounced by the parents to the child.

For example, a mother and a child are walking down the street. The child is crying, he is upset about something. Sometimes he cries bitterly, sometimes he practically screams. And my mother in response can say quite sharply “Enough! Calm down!"

At this moment, I really sympathize with the child. Because it remains unheard of by my mother. And he feels rejected, not important, unnecessary and not loved.

His tears for me say that he needs something from his mother (and not only something material, but also to be heard, understood), but his mother cannot do this for him (for some reasons) give.

Does this phrase help the child to calm down?

Think about yourself in situations like this. It seems to me that we have ever encountered something like this in our lives. Whether in childhood or in adulthood, this happens quite often. Did this phrase “calm down” really help you feel calmer? Hardly.

And what did you want or want at this moment?

In my opinion, at the moment when we experience some kind of experience, it is important for us to hear from another that he hears us. That he might even understand us. That he sympathizes, that this is happening to us. We want to be heard, we want to be understood, we want to feel that we and our state are not indifferent to another. That we are not alone in this state.

Why is this phrase “Calm down” usually pronounced?

Most likely this happens because they did the same with my mother. What is so customary to say. That my mother had never thought about the consequences of her words. But if you notice this in a relationship with a child, then you can change this habitual behavior.

What can really help a child to calm down?

It is important to tell your child that you empathize with him. That you are sorry that this is happening. That you cannot buy something for him, for example.

You can say something like this: “I hear you. I understand that you want sweets. But eating a lot of sweets is harmful. And I don't want to harm you. I'm sorry it turns out this way. I'm sorry you're upset about this. Let's think of something instead of sweets?"

And there are situations when an adult sympathetically says to a crying or screaming child “Calm down”. Does this phrase help with a sympathetic message?

If you think back to yourself in a similar situation, then you will probably agree that the phrase itself does not help you feel calmer in the least. And your experiences remain the same as they were.

And what can help the child in this situation?

It will also help if you can make your child feel that you hear him and that you share his experience with him.

"I hear you. You are upset now. I am very sorry that this is so. I sympathize with you."

This acceptance and support is likely to help your child calm down and feel better faster.

And seeing your compassion and acceptance, the child learns to act in relation to you and to other people too.

But what to do in such a situation when mom, for example, is tired, or annoyed or angry?

In my opinion, you can tell about your state through the I-message.

For example, "I am now very tired (upset, angry, etc.), but I hear you that you feel bad. I cannot sympathize with you now. I can do it a little later."

And in this case, the child will not feel at least indifference to himself. And mother, having said to herself, having designated her emotional state, will already feel easier. After all, the noticed and spoken emotions are no longer so strong.

In addition, the child will become familiar with emotions. I wrote about the importance of this in the article "Why do we need emotions and how to use them for our own benefit."

I invite you to notice how often you yourself say to your child or another person “Calm down”, to observe or ask him: “Does this word really help you to calm down?”

And I propose to try instead of the word "Calm down" to speak about what you hear another. That you sympathize with him if you really feel empathy. That you are sorry that this is happening, if you are really sorry that it is.

Good luck on the path of knowing yourself, on the path of improving relations with loved ones and on the path of raising happy children!

Psychologist, child psychologist Velmozhina Larisa.