I Must And Want: Who “needs” It?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why does a person do what he does? And he doesn't do what he doesn't. This is a very difficult “why” question. This question is often addressed to another, but it so happens that a person asks this question to himself … and to himself. Why? And it often happens that the answer to this question is “I don’t know”. Maybe you often hear the sincere question: how are you? dry answer "ok". Or maybe this is your usual answer to such a question.

In my practice, this situation often occurs. Here sits in front of me a smart, successful person with a higher education and impressive work experience. He knows a lot of things and knows how, he manages people (sometimes he manages quite successfully). He has a family and children. Voices the request: I want to advance my career. And such a person is perplexed by a simple question: why is it important to you? I see frightened eyes. I can literally hear his mother shouting: why didn’t I put away the dishes (I got a deuce, tore my pants, or something like that). But then he copes with his emotions and gives out a socially acceptable one, though with some aggression: you, the coach, should know the correct answer, I want to develop.

To answer to oneself the question “why” I am doing something means to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings, to formulate my desires, to determine the priorities (values) in life. This is not easy for many. There is no such habit: to understand yourself, to study yourself.

Must, want, important: three types of determination (causality) of human behavior.

"I must". Behind this phrase is a need, a lack of something. This means that a person is driven by an unmet need. It may be a lack of basic necessities: clothing, food, safety, health. It can be an unsatisfied social need: recognition, acceptance, belonging. It may even be an existential need: creativity and self-actualization. But what is behind all this: it is need, lack, fear. Fear of experiencing pain, not coping, not being in time, fear that it will not work out, fear of condemnation, rejection. In the “I must” state, as a rule, he is focused on avoiding something, not allowing something in his life. Usually this is a reactive state, a person reacts to emerging situations, life circumstances. In this state, it is difficult for a person to talk about their feelings and thoughts. There is tension in the body and voice.

"I want". You can always find a target behind this phrase. This is an active, active attitude to your life. In the “I want” state, a person is easily aware of what he thinks and feels. The future for such a person is emotionally positively charged. This image of the future gives him energy for action. In this state, a person acts from "excess", from "fullness." But this is not a childish infantile desire, when someone else “must” fulfill this desire. This is a mature “I want”, “I want and I will do”.

"It is important for me / for me." This type of determination is characteristic of truly mature people. In the “I want” state, the main thing that motivates a person is the result that will be obtained when the goal is achieved. “It’s important for me” is a value-determined type of behavior, where the achievement of a concrete, practical result fades into the background. “Important to me” means a person will do something even if there is a risk that he will not get the expected result. In this state, a person is aware of his beliefs, clearly formulated his priorities and life values.

It is important to note that the same action can be determined by different states. Different people can do the same thing, but what is behind their behavior can be very different. Moreover, in different situations one and the same person can act from different states.