3 Reasons For Passive-aggressive Behavior

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What can you do so that the passive aggressor does not remain in your mind with some kind of cliche or a terrible label, because of which you will simply stop communicating with people? You need to understand the reasons for a person's behavior, only in this case you will be able to stay with him at least "on some note."

The first, most important and common reason (in 99% of cases) is upbringing. As a rule, people who are characterized by passive-aggressive behavior in the overwhelming majority of cases were brought up in a family where they could not do everything, where they were rejected, and the child's needs were perceived as something indecent (“How can you want that ?! I try, I try for you, what are you still demanding from me? But how dare you ask me for boots for the winter? Do you see that mom is bad and hard, she has no money? ). This behavior on the part of the parent is an active form of suppression of the child.

Another option for upbringing is that they show passive aggression towards the child (they silently take offense that he did not complete some task, and, without explaining the reason for their dissatisfaction, go around frowning). Thus, the child is deprived of the love of a loved one, important and so necessary for him, and losing the love of a parent is like death for him. Accordingly, in the future, the child will be nervous, try in every possible way to please others and, God forbid, show his aggression! A clear picture has already formed in my mind - I will do this, I will be rejected. The first option also includes those cases when the child does not understand what exactly he was punished for. Let me give you an example from practice - a client told me that in childhood, when he was about to go for a walk, he was punished, and only a year later he realized what it was for (due to the fact that some obscene word he heard on the street flew out). How does a child feel in a similar situation? He will cry, not understanding what is happening, feel pain and resentment (it is as if he is closed in ignorance, he is not allowed to speak, he no longer remembers the spoken obscene word, which means that he could not say anything), and as a result he will close in oneself, pushing far away any feelings for contact.

So, to summarize the first reason for passive-aggressive behavior - a person grew up in a family where it was impossible to express aggression directly, he was scolded and punished for this. For example, children may be angry with their mother, be capricious or snort at something, and their mother reacts sharply in response (“How dare you do that to me ?! You didn’t deserve what you want from me!”). The child, based on the reaction of the parent, concludes - I am wrong, I have wrong impulses and desires, I cannot want this! In fact, behind passive aggression there are many more traumas and other problems (a person, in principle, is afraid to express himself, to show any of his feelings and desires).

The second reason is a situation in which it is socially unacceptable to express their aggression. This is a fairly common occurrence in work teams in vertical relationships (boss - subordinate). The subordinate must complete the task assigned to him by the boss, but he himself does not agree with the task (his job description does not indicate this, they did not discuss this with him at the interview when he was hired) - as a result, passive aggression will appear, because she you need to splash out somewhere.

Also, passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself in family relationships, especially when in the family one of the partners takes an authoritarian position and plays a leading role in relationships. The passive aggressor cannot outright refuse (“I disagree / disagree with you! I don’t want to do this!”) Due to the fact that the authoritarian partner is perceived as a parent (and will do everything that a parent, grandmother or grandfather did in childhood) … A person gets into his own trauma and closes - “that's it, then it will fly back to me”.

The third reason is a choice (living with passive aggression is much easier than making efforts and directly talking about your dissatisfaction; about the fact that a person wants to change; about what does not suit you). Why do some people make this choice? None of us is safe from the fact that the interlocutor, partner, friend in our dialogue will not perceive the situation as a reproach to himself, as an insult or an insult, and the relationship will not deteriorate further.