Why Did Your Wife Leave?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

For a quarter of a century working as a family psychologist, I had to communicate thousands of times with women who decided to leave their husbands, including filing for divorce. When they begin to explain their decision, almost always two options sound: “stopped respecting him” or “fell out of love”. Less often, it is added: “I never loved him, I was tired of forcing myself to live with him,” “I don’t want to suffer myself and for the child to suffer,” “our marriage was initially a mistake, but then I was a young fool, I wanted to get married and a child.”

In response to my request to elaborate on their position in relation to my husband, departed wives almost always say that this man did not live up to the expectations placed on him, turned out to be not the one he was trying to impersonate, could not behave like a real man. In practice, there are three explanations: “the husband is potentially dangerous for me and the child”, “the husband is a rag, I cannot live with someone I don’t respect”, “the husband is hopeless”.

Each of these concepts, or rather, models of male behavior, like a Russian nesting doll, carries its own meanings within itself. According to women leaving their husbands, they usually look like this.

Model No. 1. "Husband is potentially dangerous for me and the child":

In practice, women mean the following:

- A man is an alcoholic (as a rule, he does not admit it).

- A man is a drug addict (usually, for some time skillfully hiding his addiction to his wife).

- A man is a gambling addict (who thinks that he is just a gambling person).

- A man is a criminal, or leads a criminal lifestyle.

- The man is a "kitchen boxer" who beats his wife and child.

- A man is emotionally unstable: after a quarrel, he can kick his wife and child out of the house (including at night, in the rain or even in winter), and then on his knees asks to come back. Or, in the process of a quarrel, he leaves the house with his things, does not pick up the phone for several days. Letting the wife deal with such emergencies on her own as: high fever, appendicitis or trauma in the child; lack of money in the family for basic food; a breakthrough of a boiling water pipe at home; short circuit in the network, fire, incidents with drunken neighbors, etc.

- Due to his antisocial lifestyle, the husband can infect his family members (including children) with tuberculosis, syphilis, hepatitis, HIV, other sexually transmitted or skin diseases. A smart woman just wants to prevent this from happening.

- A man shows a sexual interest in his own children or the woman's children from past relationships, behaves towards them like a sadist.

Model No. 2. "Husband is a rag":

Usually, we are talking about the fact that for all the time of communication with his wife, the husband regularly behaved not like a man, that is, he systematically violated the stereotype of correct male behavior on which girls all over the world are brought up. Hence, after the formation of a set of obvious non-hits of this particular man in women's expectations, the girl even before marriage came to the conclusion: a potential or current husband is not a real man, but his appearance, a fiction! But since the girl is usually very sorry for her lost years, and there is no certainty that the next man will be better, she nevertheless creates a family with such, in her opinion, a "non-man" and gives birth to children from him.

But due to the fact that the family already initially had a psychological "defect" in itself, then after the birth of the child, the wife receives the long-awaited right to completely switch to him, and the husband who does not deserve respect, naturally, remains in an abandoned state. Family sex is dying, attention and affection for the husband are shown only on the day of pay, the man is given only the role of "food" for his wife and child. If he puts up with this, lives peacefully for himself, does not suit scandals, the family can exist for quite a long time. As a rule, either until the child grows up, or the wife falls in love with some other man (more brutal and / or wealthy), or until the wife's own material and social status improves, when she is already able to live on her own means.

If the husband begins to behave according to model # 1 - “the husband is potentially dangerous for me and the child”, or model # 3 “The husband is hopeless”, the woman can part with him earlier, even when the child is small. But in both cases, the woman's opinion “my husband is a rag” is the basic model.

What exactly do women mean by the concept of "husband is a rag"?

- A man is clearly under the influence of his own relatives: most often - his mother, less often - his father, brother, sister. He makes all his main decisions only taking into account their opinion. And he does not even hesitate in front of his wife to constantly change his position on certain issues.

- In the process of friendship or already during family life, a man repeatedly allowed his relatives and friends to undeservedly offend his woman.

- A man abandoned his girlfriend many times, and then repented, confessed his love to her and returned. Thus, having formed in her a complete sense of her instability, unpredictability and therefore - unreliability!

- The girl herself left her friend many times, but every time he ran after her and humbly begged her to return to him. Not finding anything better, the girl returned to him, but she no longer felt respect for this man. Living in the future (even creating a marriage with him) in the search mode for a more worthy option. And as soon as he was, or in case of degradation of the existing husband, she was ready to leave, divorce and start a new life.

- After several years of friendship, the man could not muster the courage to offer his girlfriend to start living together. She had to offer it herself. Although well-mannered girls do not like the role of "obsessive partner" very much.

- At first, the man refused to live in the girl's apartment for a long time and stubbornly, referring to the fact that it was "not like a man," and then, under the pressure of life circumstances, he still moved to her. Thereby clearly showing that there is no inner core in it.

- Having started to live together with his future wife, the man was unable to provide a separate residence for the new unit of society: he either invited his chosen one to live with his parents (relatives), or agreed to live with her parents. In both cases, he automatically lost the role of head of the family, since the main one in this case is usually the mother-in-law or mother-in-law.

- Having lived for some time with a friend / wife (in rented housing or with someone's parents), tired of the hardships of such a life, a man invites his chosen one to live apart for some time: each with his parents, relatives or friends (or in dorm). From such a development of relations according to the scheme “one step forward - two steps back, the girls are always in shock. After all, in their opinion, such a man, as it were, signed his own weakness!

- Having learned about the pregnancy of a friend or even his wife, the man suggested that she have an abortion. And even the fact that he later changed his mind, regardless of the result of this terrible act - an abortion, miscarriage, frozen pregnancy, childbirth against the will of a man - this man for a girl is no longer a man. The feminine logic here is simple: if a man considers it premature for himself to have a child (no money, no job, no apartment, no education, too young, etc.) - be so kind as to protect yourself properly. If you don’t do it - be kind, get married! If you are already married to this girl, then you no longer have a moral right to talk about abortion! The family was invented in order to give birth to children. If you are afraid of this, then you are a coward and an egoist. Moreover, the concepts of a coward and an egoist usually coincide.

- Having learned about the girl's pregnancy, the man left her altogether. Then, of course, he could return, apologize and even call for marriage. But the trouble is: from this moment in time, he has already ceased to be a man. And having agreed to become the wife of such a man, many girls immediately realize that this is not for long. Only for the period until the child grows up a little.

- The man could not muster the courage to offer his girlfriend to start a family, he did it under pressure (herself, her or her parents, other relatives, friends) and with great delay.

- Having got a mistress, and then going through a divorce from his wife, the man did not find the courage to officially marry his girlfriend. Thereby, showing the aimlessness of their actions and falling heavily in her eyes. And if she then considers it right to leave him and not waste her time in vain, women around the world will fully understand her.

- The man lived for years with a girl in a civil marriage, declaring to her face that he did not see her as his wife, regularly parting with her, or insisting on his fundamental decision never to formalize the marriage in an official way, since “this stamp in the passport means absolutely nothing ". If, in the end, he created an official marriage with this girl, even being a very successful and wealthy man, he will not earn respect for himself from his wife. Because, he clearly proved to her that his principles are worthless, he can radically change them. And a woman can still "finish him off", not by washing, so by skating, to get what she wants from him.

- Having already made an offer to the girl to create a family, the man then dragged for many months or even years directly with the application to the registry office. Until his wife, relatives or life circumstances drove him there. Which, again, did not in any way contribute to the increase of his male status in the eyes of his wife.

- Having already submitted an application to the registry office with his girlfriend to create a family, the man then changed his mind and withdrew his application, thereby slipping away from registering the relationship. It is interesting that then this man nevertheless changed his mind again and again applied to the registry office with this girl. (Moreover, it happens that the same man does this several times in a row). A girl who nevertheless decides to create a family with such a man, as a rule, makes a big mistake. But an even greater mistake, creating a family with the one that no longer respects him, is made by the man himself.

- During the conflict with his wife, the man for some reason stated that he was not the father of their joint child. If, after reconciliation, he hides this topic, the man signs his own weakness. Soda, however, also applies another erroneous model: If, during a period of family conflict, the wife herself, suddenly, declares to her husband that their joint child is not from him, and why the man will reconcile with her without applying sanctions, he will again have a pale appearance in her eyes. They will not respect him.

- The man forgave his wife for betrayal / s or obvious flirting with other men (his swearing and tears do not matter), after which he communicated with her as if nothing had happened. If, at the same time, no sanctions were applied to his wife, or there was no obvious remorse for her actions on her part, as a result of this whole story, the wife will only finally be convinced of the complete “spinelessness” of her husband. Marriage will definitely not strengthen it.

- In response to the specific proposal of the legal wife to have a child (it does not matter which one: the first, second, third, etc.), for no apparent reason, the husband refused. Interpreting this in such a way that the husband does not see a joint family future, the wife considers herself free from moral obligations towards her husband. And if she firmly desires more children, she begins to look for another man for herself.

- As a result of family conflicts, the man repeatedly left the family, living with his parents, friends, mistress, in the garage, in the country, in the office, in the car, etc. After that, he asked to go back to his wife, or he returned home, or as if nothing had happened. Such unstable behavior does not correspond well to the male standard: “The man said - the man did!”. The level of female respect for such a "shuttle husband", as a rule, falls.

- Being caught in adultery, a man offers to live separately for some time, asks for a period of time incomprehensible for the wives of the whole world in order to “understand himself; unravel because you are confused; prioritize and so on. To be in a state of forced waiting for the decision of their Destiny, many lawful wives consider it humiliating for themselves. And they are quite understandable: after all, such vague and doubtful behavior is difficult to recognize as masculine. If you did not want to start another family, easily admit your mistake and refuse your mistress. If you are in love with another woman, have the courage to go to the one that loves and awaits you. If you cannot decide on anything, you are not a man.

- Being caught in adultery and promising his wife to stop communicating with his mistress, the man not only secretly continues this communication, but also begins to invest a lot of money in another woman: he buys an apartment for his mistress, or a car, or a business, takes loans for her and etc. So a man falls in the eyes of his wife three times: he is a liar, he steals from his own children, he is a pitiful object for manipulation by another woman. Hence, there is no point in going through life with someone who secretly creates an alternative family future for himself (especially if his mistress already has a child from him).

I emphasize: if a man did not promise to leave his mistress, or actually abandoned her and was found with another woman, or he communicated with the former purely consumerist, without spending money on her, wives, as a rule, forgive all this. But, only to those men who are strong, strong-willed, and promising for their wives. The behavior of which does not apply to the first and third models. That is, problematic and unpromising husbands, wives, in the event of their betrayal, are abandoned. Doing it right away, or spending some time in order to improve your own situation, save money for the first time, or slowly pick up some more worthy man for yourself. Or someone who at first seemed like that.

Simply put: her husband's betrayal leads a woman to think about divorce only in one case out of ten! And even then, as a rule, only if there are other reasons from among the above and below listed.

The wife will always forgive cheating on her purposeful, successful husband, not greedy, loving children, fulfilling the promise.

Husband - addicted, rag, hopeless, will not be forgiven

nothing. Even his indignation at the betrayal of his wife herself.

Speaking of this, I do not at all justify male infidelity. I am simply illustrating a Roman proverb: "What is permitted to Jupiter is not permitted to a bull!"

- After going through the procedure for divorcing his wife, the man openly robbed his wife and his children, taking away his main assets from an honest partition; being a well-to-do man, he paid the children paltry alimony. Then he decided to restore the family, and his ex-wife agreed to this for mercenary or other other reasons. However, having seen the "true face" of her husband in the process of divorce, such a woman is simply better prepared for her future departure. By doing this, first of all, at the expense of the strangely behaving husband.

Model No. 3. "The husband is hopeless."

Hopelessness is a very broad feminine concept, both not a man's success in finance and career, and a description of such masculine behavior when a woman does not feel necessary for him, and therefore is not sure of the future, are embedded in it. More often than not, women mean the following:

- The man did not live up to the expectations of his wife in achieving success in his career and increasing income. For example: a family still lives in poverty and without its own home; my husband could not get a higher education, did not become a boss, often changes jobs, she is low-paid. Or in general, in fact, the man turned out to be a lazy and parasite, an empty theoretician-windbag, and not a practitioner of life. Such a man, according to a woman, can give little to his children.

- A man frankly degraded during a relationship or marriage: due to mistakes in his behavior, he lost his past connections, lost his position, the level of his moves and, hence, the standard of living of the family dropped noticeably. Such a man does not show hopes for improving his life. Thus, his past attractiveness for his wife, especially a young and ambitious one, tarnished.

- The man turned out to be very mean and selfish. Even earning good money, he spends money mainly on himself. Rides around the world, dresses expensively, buys cars, boats, motors, guns, equipment for kitesurfing, mountaineering, diving and yachting (etc., etc.), while the house has not been renovated for many years, the family is rarely goes to resorts, the wife is forced to always beg for money for her current life. What most women consider to be extremely humiliating.

- Based on the specifics of his work or personality, a man lives parallel to his family: one is engaged in his hobbies, one goes on vacation, does not tell his wife anything about his life and work, and is regularly on long business trips. That is, such a man, on the one hand, seems to exist, but on the other hand, it is as if he does not exist. This state of affairs, when a married woman is, in fact, single, does not suit everyone.

- A man clearly lives not in the interests of his family, but in the interests of either his relatives or his friends. He throws all his family affairs at their first request, from which the wife's patience, one day, ends.

- The man turned out to be a bad father: he does not play and does not communicate with children;

- A man all the time treats his wife with distrust, like a stranger. Buying apartments, cars, summer cottages, land, enterprises - all this is written down to his relatives and friends. According to his logic, "so as not to divide in case of divorce." This offends women who see no reason to continue living with someone who is ready at any second to deprive their loved one of all family material wealth.

- The husband completely classified his life from his wife: the phone and social networks - with a password; bank card - in your pocket; his income is not known; where he goes - usually a lie; social circle is not clear; what he is doing is not clear; He doesn't like going out to public places with his family. Etc. etc. The wife does not feel the need for such a man and, quite logically, seeks to find herself someone who will cherish her and behave more transparently.

- A man for months, and often even for years, clearly shies away from conducting an intimate life with his wife. Since the stable conduct of an active intimate life is an important element and a positive attitude towards life and longevity, many wives decide to part with such a strange husband.

- In the understanding of the wife, the husband has degraded even in the matter of betrayal: he meets with such obviously fallen and hopeless women that it causes shock and condemnation even among his entourage. They are so clearly inferior in all respects to the existing spouse that it is beneath her dignity to remain close to someone who collects casual ties with the most unsuccessful representatives of the female world. And the very logic of his actions and the adequacy of his behavior raises doubts.

- During the marriage, leading the wrong lifestyle, not hearing the timely warnings of his wife, the man acquired some kind of mental disorders, or lost his intimate or reproductive functions. This seriously reduces the comfort of family life and creates a lot of difficulties and problems for his wife who are completely innocent of this.

Now I will tell you the most important thing. What, unfortunately, is usually not understood by those men from whom their wife left. First, it's important to understand:

The departure of a wife from her husband is almost always not connected so much

with the current state of affairs in the family, how much with the mistakes in the husband's behavior that were made

in the past, including in the early years of the relationship.

Because it was then that the initial relationship of the wife to her husband was formed, which was subsequently either strengthened or destroyed. It is this basic opinion of the wife about her husband as a man, and the husband's ability to preserve, improve or worsen him, that further determines her female family behavior. In this sense, everything is simple:

The departure of a wife from her husband is always associated with the fact that this man

could not meet certain women's expectations.

From stupidity, bad manners, weakness, laziness, selfishness, cowardice or dependence on another woman - for a woman who is disappointed in him, it does not matter anymore. Secondly:

The departure of a wife from her husband is almost always associated not so much with some

a fresh conflict in the family, how much with an improvement in financial

and / or social status of a woman, growing up of a child

or the appearance of another man in her life.

That is, the logic of female behavior in the case of leaving her husband is usually simple: New family conflicts are superimposed on the base in the form of a husband formed due to indecisive behavior and his mistakes, disrespect for him as a man. If a woman has a small child, an obvious financial dependence on her husband and there is no confidence in the emergence of a new partner, the woman will prefer to endure and stay with her husband. If the child has matured, money of her own has appeared, or someone from outside (parents, girlfriends, sponsored lover, new friend, etc.) has helped, or falls in love with someone else, a woman may take the risk of leaving the family and try to start a new life. If there was no child in the family, or the man pushed for an abortion, or, against the background of conflicts, the pregnancy was interrupted by a miscarriage or fetal freezing, the woman is all the more prone to abrupt actions. If, during this period, she develops a relationship with a man from another city, region or country, she will decide even faster to break up and leave her husband.

Accordingly, if his beloved woman or wife left a man, he should very critically and objectively assess his own male behavior throughout his love and family history. If his masculine behavior was perfect, he has nothing to worry about: the wife will most likely come back on her own. And here it is for him to decide how masculine it will be to take her back.

If he clearly sees his numerous male mistakes, then the likelihood of his wife's return will be very small. And again, not the fact that it should be returned. After all, if a man in this case again behaves not like a man and humbly beg to forgive him, this may not improve his male reputation in her eyes. Thus, it will not increase his male attractiveness. In such cases, sometimes it is more logical to part and start a new relationship with another woman, but without repeating your past male actions.

If there were few male mistakes, or they had already been corrected by real male behavior in the subsequent years of communication and family life, there is clearly a chance for the return of the departed wife. It does not consist at all in the sobbing of a man and not in his humiliation. And in the fact that a man behaves like a man even when his wife is gone. Only in this case can she not only return, but the restored family will become even stronger. What I sincerely wish to all men who find themselves in this difficult situation.

Now, re-read the reasons described above and analyze your male behavior. This may be useful to you even if your wife is not leaving you anywhere, or even if you are not married at all. In this case, you will know how to behave like a man, or you will be able to correct your male mistakes in a relationship in a timely manner. Eliminating any danger of conflicts with your wife and her possible subsequent departure from you.

If you need help in assessing the prospects of your family situation in a conflict with your wife, or after your wife leaves you, or if you need advice on choosing the optimal strategy for your male behavior in the family, I will be happy to help in a personal or online consultation mode.