Work Of Grief

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The work of grief is an internal activity that our psyche produces to cope with the loss, which consists in recognizing the reality of the loss that has occurred, as well as the gradual withdrawal of the psychic energy invested by us (love, affection, attention, mental strength) from the image of the lost object in our soul and return it to your own I, to your personality. A lost object can be both a loved one and something that was dear to us, with which we connected ourselves - for example, place of residence, work, favorite business, homeland, our ideals, beliefs, etc.

This process is accompanied by severe mental pain arising from the "breakthrough" of our psychic defenses (relatively speaking, the filters through which we look at the world and which protect us from recognizing unpleasant and unbearable facts of reality), as well as because of the strongest disappointment in that the hope for the return of the lost will come true.

At the end of the work of grief, at the end of the time of mourning, the withdrawn energy returns to us back, which makes it possible to invest it in new objects, new relationships, new activities. At the same time, the image of a lost object finds its place in our soul, no longer causing such severe pain, and the time spent with it is built into the system of memories as an acquired experience, thoughts about it are accompanied by a feeling that can be called "bright memory."

As Benno Rosenberg wrote, the work of grief is paradoxical: it guards the future and serves our Self, which is responsible for living in reality here and now (the returned energy feeds us, giving us the opportunity to create something new), but this work can only be done by repeated “re-living of the past - after all, it is produced as a result of the actualization of the memories of the lost object.

When we return in thoughts of what we have lost, we sort through old photographs, or things of the departed, little things related to him, listen to songs that remind of him, visit places where we were with a loved one, talk with people who remember him, water flowers, that he planted, etc. - at this time, our psyche produces painful work of grief, and withdraws energy from the past, directing it into our I, so that upon completion of this process we could start life based not on a hopeless feeling of loss, but on an experience that stays with us forever.

This work requires a large expenditure of psychic energy, which the grieving person withdraws from the world around him, actual relationships, as well as time and the ability to withstand pain. In this regard, a person seems to be detached from everything, he cannot lead the same lifestyle, as actively participate in relationships with people around him, as it was before the moment of loss.

That is why the advice “forget”, “distract”, “you will find new”, “do something else that will cheer you up”, “don’t remember, don’t worry about your wounds,” and so on, do not work, when the process of mourning is not yet complete. Only when we have enough time, opportunity and mental strength to remember and experience the loss, we have a better chance of ending grief and adapting to life without the one who left, to start building our destiny without him.

If, due to various circumstances, the work of grief cannot be done, our psyche, which always strives to continue life, finds other ways to adapt to loss, for example: depression, self-soothing activities (workaholism, alcoholism, severe overload in everyday life, sports, obsessive cravings for entertainment that do not bring pleasure and serve as a way to get away from unbearable experiences, etc.), or comes to a somatic solution and develops diseases of varying degrees of severity.

V. Worden points out the following factors that can complicate the mourning process:

a) Features of the relationship with the left person, such as:

• strong ambivalence (the simultaneous coexistence of conflicting feelings towards him - love and anger, anger and affection);

• latent hostility;

• narcissistic type of relationship, in which his departure from a person causes irreparable damage to the social and mental functioning of the grieving person, his sense of his own usefulness;

• relationships of strong dependence, violence;

• such relationships where the needs of the grieving person for love, care, affection were not satisfied.

Paradoxically, it is a good, warm relationship, full of love and mutual affection that helps the psyche of the grieving person to quickly let go of the departed, while difficult relationships, dissatisfaction in them during life together, complicate the process of grieving.

b) Circumstances under which the loss occurred:

• suddenness, violence of loss;

• the inability to see the actual death, for example, when a person “disappeared”;

• accumulation of traumas - many recurring traumatic events relevant at the time of loss;

• feeling of guilt that “did not do everything possible” so that the departed would stay;

• “shameful” and socially unacceptable circumstances of loss (prison, sexually transmitted diseases, suicide, alcohol or drug addiction) leading to death.

c) Personal history of the grieving person - the number of losses experienced, disappointments in the past and incomplete grieving for them, for example, the loss of a loved one in early childhood, despite the fact that the environment was not able to provide sufficient support for its processing, insecure attachment.

d) Personality traits of the grieving person, such as: mental fragility, difficulties in experiencing disappointments, a tendency to avoid experiences, suppress them, high sensitivity to shame and a sense of excessive responsibility.

e) Features of interaction in the family, such as the lack of the ability of loved ones to mutual support, the resolution of the manifestation of feelings and emotions, the ability of others to accept and share the feelings of others, the impossibility of mutual replacement of roles in the family system.

f) Social conditions, the inability of the grieving person to receive help in his environment, including material (in case of difficult circumstances) and psychological support, etc.

Literature:

1. Trutenko N. A. Qualification work "Grief, melancholy and somatization" at the Institute of Psychology and Psychoanalysis at Chistye Prudy

2. Freud Z. "Sadness and melancholy"

3. Freud Z. "Inhibition, symptom and anxiety"

4. Warden V. "Understanding the mourning process"

4. Ryabova T. V. The problem of identifying complicated mourning in clinical practice

5. Rosenberg B. "The masochism of life, the masochism of death"