The Grief And Depression Of The Emigrant. What We Were Not Warned About Before Leaving

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Start here Our expectations of emigration

As already mentioned, when planning a move, we often and a lot prepare, collect information, try to spread straws in different areas, etc. And nevertheless, there are things that we cannot avoid. This is depression and grief. If you have read works about psychologists of immigrants, you know that regardless of the conditions that we face in another country, one way or another we go through the stages: euphoria (when we like everything, we are delighted with everything and are waiting for the beginning of paradise life); tourism (when we begin to realize that we are part of a new society and the rules apply to us as well as other residents); orientation (when you have to deal in detail with the peculiarities of all spheres, health care, legislative, social interaction and reveal the discrepancy between reality and desires. It is this stage, as the most stressful, that becomes a resolving moment for psychosomatic disorders and diseases); depression (when the amount of accumulated negativity prevails, and regardless of preparation, each emigrant takes a pause for reflection and reconciliation) and activities (which, depending on the psychological study of the emigrant, comes faster or slower and has the character of a harmonious orientation or escape into any of the areas (someone gets hung up on work, someone on communication, someone on somatic diseases, and someone gets stuck in the phase of depression and runs the risk of joining other psychological disorders)).

Not many people realize that grief (loss) is an integral part of any move, even within the same country. Often people think that they have thought of everything and have work and friends, etc. and nothing bad should happen to them. However, grief, as a reaction to global loss, is always present, because a person loses not only a specific home, job, social circle, habits, etc., but all those emotions and experiences that he received due to what he had. He is emptied. Sometimes people say that everything was so bad for them that they had nothing to lose, on the contrary, only to gain. However, at the level of physiology and unconscious processes, a person was not in a vacuum, he dreamed and was inspired, planned, stayed in a state of expectation of positive changes, which in itself also caused certain positive experiences and the production of important hormones, which now will not exist (from the series "waiting for the holiday is better than the holiday itself"). The paradox is that often, when people move from bad conditions to very good ones, it is the absence of plans and fantasies about the beautiful that stops the production of those very supportive conditionally positive hormones, and he cannot use stimuli from outside to get pleasure. For various reasons, either because he does not adapt (he does not know the language, does not have friends, does not go anywhere, etc.), or because from childhood he has been taught to fight and put off all good things for later, or he is ashamed of his status, is preoccupied with in order to create a favorable impression, therefore, it seeks not to show its "primitiveness" (how to deal with certain benefits of civilization that were previously inaccessible in experience) - there are a great many options, but this is not about that.

The point is that one way or another, a person experiences emptiness, confusion, loss of strength, loss of normal functioning (since habitual patterns of behavior become irrelevant), etc. Someone feels this painful emptiness more, someone less, the situation largely depends on the conditions in which the person finds himself (whether the new place compensates for the lost, whether there is support) and from his psychological properties, character (rigidity of thinking or lability, creativity, addiction, etc.). One way or another, it is important to remember that the experience of grief is a process, although inevitable, but normal, it can last about 1 year (sometimes more) and in order not to linger in it, you can do various techniques aimed at working with loss. The minimum that a person needs is to remind himself that this process is natural and that this will not always be so. Then he will take care of his body, normalizing nutrition, sleep, rest, or vice versa physical activity. Understand that a decrease in libido during this period may well take place and therefore you should not require your partner to "fill the void" through sex, etc., for example, lack of appetite or inadequate perception of their state of health. Therefore, it is important not only to listen to yourself, but also to analyze the state of "how long and what I ate, how long and how much I slept, how often and a lot I began to smoke or drink, when the last time I did something that brings me pleasure etc.", while not expecting something special and fast from yourself. In dealing with grief, we always say you need to take some time for yourself. From the point of view of psychological correction, written practices, various techniques of introspection, vocalizing their experiences, etc., have proven themselves well. Of course, people who have moved urgently and / or "forcedly" the need to receive treatment, children were transported, etc.). In general, in order to work out their condition, it is important for emigrants to adhere to general recommendations: to learn the language, find a social circle, get a job and / or study, find a hobby, etc. At the same time, it is important to remember about the other 4 points that we often miss from the view:

1. Nostalgia … Our memories of the past are memories of our feelings and emotions. Nostalgic for the past, we actually want to return the wrong apartment, car or something else, in fact, we want to experience the emotions that we experienced when we were in that apartment, city, with that person, etc… A particularly important cognitive error is temporal. Years later (why the older a person is, the more difficult it is for him to move), it seems to us that it was good there, because it was “there”. In fact, it was good, because we were younger, healthier, more active, we had more energy, plans, prospects, opportunities, etc. The point is not in the locality, but in what we were 20 years ago. Even if not 20, all the same, the opportunities and feelings associated with them are constantly changing and with age there are more obstacles and difficulties (yes, positive psychotherapists forgive me, but the reality is that the body simply "wears out" and loses its former productivity. The less we do it development and maintenance, the faster the process of oppression of certain psychophysiological functions occurs). Even if this is a time parameter of 2 years, then 2 years ago we were saturated with the idea of moving, it warmed us and inspired us, etc., now we have moved and where can we get the energy of inspiration, achievement, overcoming, etc.?). This is also confirmed by people who returned from emigration, but managed to return to a happier life. Because they were nostalgic not for the place, but for their emotions, which cannot be returned due to time. Thus, in order to reduce nostalgia, it is important to understand that you do not grieve for the place, people and opportunities, but for those emotions and feelings that accompanied you there with those and then (especially since modern technologies allow you to communicate with loved ones and even travel visit each other). Finding and compensating for missing experiences is a key factor in healthy adaptation.

2. Depression … The realization that depression will somehow enter your home gives you the opportunity to face it with understanding and acceptance (as a protective depression, as an opportunity to stop and think, weigh the pros and cons, plan, etc.), instead of to think that "I feel bad, because everything turned out to be wrong, I expected, there are no prospects now, there is nowhere to go back and there is nothing to catch here, I was straying, I am a loser, nothing will come of it" and so on.

This can be compared to a diabetic who knows that he has diabetes and therefore, when he feels a certain way, does not panic, but simply measures sugar and gives an injection. Knowledge does not cure him of diabetes, but when he accepts and realizes what is with him - instead of fuss and wasting energy in vain, he takes and does so that it is right, so that it is good. As I wrote in the previous article, people with untreated mental disorders are at risk, because depression is not just a bad mood, it is primarily hormonal changes, a disruption in the work of physiology, which cannot but affect other mental processes and the health of the body generally. Masked depression (including somatized depression, in the form of psychosomatic diseases or the so-called prolonged acclimatization, (more about this was in the first article) is one of the indicators that adaptation is impaired and there is a high probability that without the help of a specialist the process will only get worse.

3. Xenophobia … We are being prepared for the fact that "if you want to join the society, talk less with" your "people." However, it often happens that when moving to another country, emigrants find themselves in conditions of multinationality - they live among the same emigrants only from other countries. This presupposes a mixture of cultures, barriers in communication, interaction, establishing contacts, etc. The categories of emigrants with adolescent children, preschool and primary school age are especially vulnerable. It is important to remember that the difference is not in nationality, because even in our native country and our hometown, there are many people who are completely different from us in culture, worldview, attitudes and behaviors. Moreover, when contacting other emigrants, it is important to remember that, in a sense, all participants in the process build interaction through their pain, through their loss. Therefore, it is advisable not to make hasty conclusions about how others adapt, and most importantly what they are (and they are most likely partly in defense, partly in loss, in avoidance), etc. The more we focus on the difference, the more difficult it will be for us to find our place in a new country. And also, the more we defend our right to raise children in accordance with the norms adopted in our country, the more we may face the difficulties of the law, etc. For many emigrants it is very difficult to accept that this is not another country that came to us. house, and we came to another country, to other laws, rules and norms of life. The sooner acceptance comes (awareness alone is not enough), the easier it will be to build constructive interaction with the new society. Pronouncing the differences and similarities with an emotionally independent person with you helps to see destructive stereotypes of thinking, delusions and prejudices, find compromise solutions and, instead of rejection, start exchanging new, interesting and useful ones. My experience in the field of transcultural family psychotherapy makes it possible to assert that relatives and friends in this case more often act as a destructive factor, instead of helping in acceptance, they support your desire to look for a difference and confirm that “we are good, but they have horror. horror". This approach only alienates emigrants from objective analysis and healthy adaptation.

4. Successful people … At one time, studies of people's reactions to loss have shown that people with significant financial and / or psychological resources are more susceptible to negative reactions. This is due to the fact that they get used to perceive the world as predictable and manageablethat they can control everything, easily solve any problem, that they know almost everything, etc. Such people cannot admit that something gets out of their control (this becomes a decisive moment for the manifestation of a somatized neurosis - cardioneurosis, neurosis of the stomach, bladder, etc., they begin to feel that they are losing control of their body), and even such circumstances force them to seek help. In fact, this leads to the fact that they ignore the symptoms that indicate problems and refuse to work with specialists until the disorder or disease drives them to a standstill. However, in psychosomatic psychotherapy, such a client may note that he really has an ulcer, but deny that he is experiencing any difficulties in relationships, in everyday life or at work, that he has any psychological problems, that his behavior is possibly destructive and etc. Most of the therapy is interrupted because they believe that the psychologist is not doing what is needed (I came to you to treat an ulcer - to learn to be less nervous, and not to talk about dad). If you recognize yourself in such a description, it is important to understand that this is how defense mechanisms are manifested, and the sooner you decide to trust a specialist, the higher the likelihood of a favorable outcome. Unfortunately, when the "inner voice" remains unheard, the psyche is forced to resort to physical sublimation of the problem. The loss of health, both mental and physical, sooner or later begins to affect all spheres of life - family, work, rest, communication, etc. The further the problem goes, the more difficult and longer is the recovery process.

At some point, the reader may have the feeling that there are continuous problems in emigration. In fact, everything is not so scary, and behind every depression, every grief, etc., there is adaptation and enlightenment, when we do not hide in a shell "maybe it will somehow resolve" - any problem has its own solution. After all, when choosing a country, we didn’t just point our finger at the globe, but probably saw special advantages in it, what we were betting on when moving. Having understood yourself, having analyzed the situation, changing what can be changed and accepting what cannot be changed, and most importantly filled with, we can finally take advantage of the opportunities that relocation gives us. Taking into account the factors noted above, and using generally accepted recommendations, adaptation is faster, easier and more effective. We put the main emphasis on the analysis of personality, self-identification, since the new environment gives rise to a "new I", and only by placing our real I and ideal I in places, we find answers to many questions, in particular - how to use this opportunity - moving and realize yourself as much as possible and with pleasure.