ALFRID LANGLE: WHY DO I NOT DO WHAT I WANT?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The topic of will is one that we deal with every day. We are not even moving away from this topic. Every person who is present here is here because he wants to be here. Nobody came here involuntarily. And whatever we do during the day, it has to do with our will. Whether we eat, whether we go to bed, whether we have some kind of conversation, whether we resolve some kind of conflict, we do this only if we have made a decision in favor of this and we have the will to do so.

Maybe we are not even aware of this fact, because we do not say so often “I want”, but we clothe it in such expressions: “I would like to”, “I would do”. Because the wording “I want” conveys something very important. And will is really strength. If I don't want to, nothing can be done. No one has power over me to change my will - only myself. In most cases, we do not even realize this, but intuitively we have a feeling that it is will that is meant here. Therefore, we say more gently "I would like", "I would like" or simply "I will go there." “I will go to this report” - this is already a decision. To complete this thought, which was a kind of introduction, I will say: often we do not even realize that we want something every minute.

I would like to divide my report into three parts: in the first part, describe the phenomenon of will, in the second part, talk about the structure of will, and in the third part, briefly mention the method of strengthening the will.

I

Will is present in our lives every day. Who is the person who wants? It's me. I alone command the will. Will is something absolutely my own. I identify myself with will. If I want something, then I know that it is me. Will represents human autonomy.

Autonomy means that I set the law for myself. And thanks to the will we have at our disposal the determination itself, through the will I determine what I will do as the next step. And this already describes the task of the will. Will is the ability of a person to give himself a task. For example, I want to keep talking now.

Thanks to the will, I release my inner strength for some action. I invest some strength and take my time. That is, the will is an order to perform some action that I give to myself. In fact, that's all. I give myself an order to do something. And since I want this, I experience myself as free. If my father or professor gives me any assignment, then this is a different kind of assignment. Then I am no longer free if I follow this. Unless I add their commission to my will and say, "Yes, I will do it."

In our life, the will performs an absolutely pragmatic function - so that we come to action. Will is the bridge between the command center in me and the deed. And it is attached to I - because I have only my will. To put this will in motion is the task of motivation. That is, will is very closely related to motivation.

Motivation basically means nothing more than setting the will in motion. I can motivate my child to do their homework. If I tell him why it is important, or promise him a chocolate bar. To motivate means to lead a person to want to do something himself. An employee, friend, colleague, child - or yourself. How can I motivate myself, for example, to prepare for an exam? In principle, by the same means as I motivate the child. I can think why this is important. And I can promise myself a chocolate bar as a reward.

Let's summarize. First, we saw that will is the task of doing something that a person gives to himself. Secondly, the author of the will is myself. There is only one personal will of mine, in me. None other than me "wants". Third, this will is at the center of motivation. To motivate means to set the will in motion.

And this puts the person in front of finding a solution. We have some kind of assumption, and we are faced with the question: "Do I want it or not?" I have to make a decision - because I have freedom. Will is my freedom. If I want something, when I am free, I decide for myself, I fix myself in something. If I want something myself, no one is forcing me, I am not forced.

This is the other pole of the will - lack of freedom, compulsion. To be forced by some greater force - the state, the police, a professor, parents, a partner who will punish me if something happens, or because it can have bad consequences if I don't do something that someone else wants. I can also be compelled by psychopathology or mental disorders. This is precisely the characteristic of mental illness: we cannot do what we want. Because I have too much fear. Because I am depressed and I have no strength. Because I am addicted. And then I will do, over and over again, what I don’t want to do. Mental disorders are associated with the inability to follow one's will. I want to get up, do something, but I have no desire, I feel so bad, I am so depressed. I have some remorse that I didn’t get up again. Thus, a depressed person cannot follow what he thinks is right. Or the anxious person cannot go to the exam even though he wants to.

In the will we find the solution and we realize our freedom. This means that if I want something, and this is a real will, then I have a special feeling - I feel free. I feel that I am not being forced, and that suits me. It is again I, which realizes itself. That is, if I want something, I am not an automaton, a robot.

Will is the realization of human freedom. And this freedom is so deep and so personal that we cannot give it to someone. We cannot stop being free. We must be free. This is a paradox. This is indicated by existential philosophy. We are free to a certain extent. But we are not free not to want. We have to want. We have to make decisions. We have to do something all the time.

If I’m sitting in front of the TV, I’m tired and fall asleep, I have to decide whether to continue sitting because I’m tired (this is also a decision). And if I cannot make a decision, then this is also a decision (I say that now I cannot make a decision, and I do not make any decision). That is, we are constantly making decisions, we always have the will. We are always free because we cannot stop being free, as Sartre put it.

And since this freedom is located at a great depth, in the depths of our essence, the will is very strong. Where there is will, there is a way. If I really want to, then I will find a way. People sometimes say: I don't know how to do something. Then these people have a weak will. They don't really want. If you really want something, you will walk thousands of kilometers and become the founder of a university in Moscow, like Lomonosov. If I really do not want, no one can force my will. My will is absolutely my own business.

I recall one depressed patient who suffered from her relationship. She constantly had to do something that her husband forced her to do. For example, my husband said: "Today I will go in your car, because mine has run out of gas." Then she was forced to go to a gas station and because of this she was late for work. Similar situations were repeated over and over again. There have been many similar examples.

I asked her: "Why not say no?" She replied, “Because of the relationship. I ask further:

- But because of this, relations will not improve? Do you want to give him the keys?

- Me not. But he wants to.

-Okay, he wants to. What do you want?

In therapy, in counseling, this is a very important step: to see what my own will is.

We talked a little about this and she said:

“Actually, I don’t want to give him the keys, I’m not his servant.”

And now a revolution arises in the relationship.

“But,” she says, “I have no chance, because if I don’t give him the keys, he will come and take them.

- But before that you can take the keys into your own hands?

- But then he will take the keys from my hands!

“But if you don’t want to, you can hold them tightly in your hand.

- Then he will use force.

- Perhaps so, he is stronger. But this does not mean that you want to hand over the keys. He cannot change your will. This can only be done by yourself. Of course, he can worsen the situation in such a way that you say: I've had enough. All of this hurts so much that I no longer want to hold on to my will. It will be better if I give him the keys.

- This means that it will be compulsion!

- Yes, he forced you. But you changed your will yourself.

It is important that we realize this: that the will belongs only to me and only I can change it, no one else. Because will is freedom. And we humans have three forms of freedom, and they all play a role in connection with will.

The English philosopher David Hume wrote that we have freedom of action (for example, the freedom to come here or come home is freedom directed outward).

There is another freedom that is above external forces - this is freedom of choice, freedom of decision. I define what I want and why I want it. Since there is value in this for me, because it suits me, and, probably, my conscience tells me that this is the right thing - then I make a decision in favor of something, for example, to come here. This is preceded by freedom of decision. I found out what the topic would be, thought it would be interesting, and I have a certain amount of time, and out of many opportunities to spend time, I choose one. I make up my mind, I give myself a task and realize freedom of choice in freedom of action by coming here.

The third freedom is the freedom of essence, it is intimate freedom. It is a feeling of inner harmony. Decisions to say yes. That yes - where does it come from? This is no longer something rational, it comes from some depth in me. This decision, associated with the freedom of the essence, is so strong that it can take on the character of an obligation.

When Martin Luther was accused of publishing his theses, he replied: "I stand on that and I cannot do otherwise." Of course, he could have done otherwise - he was a smart man. But this would contradict his essence to such an extent that he would have the feeling that it would not be him, if he denied it, he would refuse it. These internal attitudes and beliefs are an expression of the deepest freedom of a person. And in the form of inner consent, they are contained in any will.

The issue of willpower can be tricky. We talked about the fact that will is freedom, and in this freedom it is strength. But at the same time, the will sometimes seems to be a compulsion. Luther cannot do otherwise. And there is coercion in freedom of decision too: I have to make a decision. I cannot dance at two weddings. I cannot be here and at home at the same time. That is, I am forced to freedom. Maybe for tonight this is not such a big problem. But what should the will do if I love two women (or two men) at the same time and, moreover, equally strongly? I have to make a decision. I can keep it secret for a while, hide it so that there is no need to make a decision, but such decisions can be very difficult. What decision should I make if both relationships are very valuable? It can make you sick, it can break your heart. This is the agony of choice.

We all know this in simpler situations: do I eat fish or meat? But this is not so tragic. Today I can eat fish, and tomorrow I can eat meat. But there are situations that are one of a kind.

That is, freedom and will are also bound by compulsion, obligation - even in freedom of action. If I want to come here today, then I must fulfill all those conditions so that I can come here: take the subway or car, walk. I have to do something to get from point A to point B. To exercise my will, I have to meet these conditions. Where is freedom here? This is a typical human freedom: I do something, and I am squeezed by the "corset" of conditions.

But maybe we should define what “will” is? Will is a decision. Namely, the decision to go for some value that you have chosen. I choose between the different values of this evening and choose one thing and implement it by making a decision. I make up my mind and say my last yes to this. I say yes to this value.

The definition of will can be formulated even more succinctly. Will is my inner "yes" in relation to some value. I want to read a book. The book is valuable to me because it is a good novel or textbook that I need to prepare for the exam. I say yes to this book. Or meeting a friend. I see some value in this. If I say yes, then I am also ready to make some effort to see him. I'm going to see him.

With this "yes" in terms of value is connected some kind of investment, some kind of contribution, a willingness to pay for it, to do something, to become active. If I want, then I myself go in this direction. This is a big difference compared to just wanting. It is important to make a distinction here. Desire is also a value. I wish myself a lot of happiness, health, to meet a friend, but desire does not contain the willingness to do something for this myself - because in desire I remain passive, I wait for it to come. I wish my friend would call me and I am waiting. In many things, I can only wait - I can not do anything. I wish you or myself a speedy recovery. Everything has already been done that could have been done, only the value of recovery remains. I tell myself and the other that I see it as a value and hope it will happen. But this is not the will, because the will is to give oneself a commission of some kind of action.

There is always a good reason for will. I had a good reason to come here. And what is the basis or reason to come here? This is exactly what value is. Because I see something good and valuable in it. And this is an excuse for me, a consent, to go for it, maybe to take a risk. Maybe it turns out that this is a very boring lecture, and then I wasted my evening on it. Doing something with will always involves some kind of risk. Therefore, the will includes an existential act, because I take risks.

With regard to will, two points of misunderstanding are common. Will is often confused with logic, rationality - in the sense that I can only want what is reasonable. For example: after four years of study, it is reasonable to go to study in the fifth year and finish your studies. You can't want to stop studying in four years! This is so irrational, so stupid. May be. But will is not something logical, pragmatic. Will springs from a mysterious depth. The will has much more freedom than the rational beginning.

And the second moment of misunderstanding: it may seem that you can set will in motion if you give yourself the task of wanting. But where does my will come from? It does not come from my "wanting." I cannot "want to want." I also cannot want to believe, I cannot want to love, I cannot want to hope. And why? Because the will is a commission to do something. But faith or love are not actions. I don’t do it. It is something that arises in me. I have nothing to do with it if I love. We do not even know on what soil love falls. We cannot control it, we cannot "do" it - therefore we are not to blame if we love or do not love.

In the case of will, something similar happens. What I want grows somewhere in me. This is not something where I can give myself an assignment. It grows from me, from the depths. The more the will connects with this great depth, the more I experience my will as something that corresponds to me, the more I am free. And responsibility is connected with will. If the will resonates with me, then I live being responsible. And only then am I truly free. German philosopher and writer Matthias Claudius once said: "A person is free if he can want what he has to."

If this is so, then “to leave” is connected with the will. I must freely give up my feelings so that I can feel what is growing in me. Leo Tolstoy once said: “Happiness is not about being able to do what you want…”. But freedom means that I can do what I want? This is true. I can follow my will and then I am free. But Tolstoy speaks about happiness, not will: "… and happiness lies in always wanting what you do." In other words, so that you always have an inner agreement in relation to what you are doing. What Tolstoy describes is existential will. As happiness I experience what I do, if I experience an internal response in it, an internal resonance, if I say yes to this. And I cannot “do” inner consent - I can only listen to myself.

II

What is the structure of will? I can only want what I can do. It makes no sense to say: I want to remove this wall and walk along the ceiling. Because the will is a mandate to act, and it assumes that I can do it too. That is, the will is realistic. This is the first structure of the will.

If we are serious about this, then we should not want more than we can, or else we will no longer be realistic. If I cannot work any longer, I should not demand this of myself. Free will can also leave, let go.

And this is the reason why I don't do what I want. Because I have no strength, I have no ability, because I have no means, because I bump into walls, because I don’t know how to do it. Will presupposes a realistic view of what is, given. So sometimes I don't do what I want.

Also, I do not do something for the reason that I feel fear - then I postpone and postpone it. Because I may be in pain, and I am afraid of it. After all, will is a risk.

If this first structure is not fulfilled, if I really cannot, if I have no knowledge, if I feel fear, then this disturbs me.

Second structure of will. Will is yes to value. This means that I must also see value. I need something that will also attract me. I need to experience good feelings, otherwise I cannot want. I have to like the path, otherwise the goal will be far from me.

For example, I want to lose 5 kilograms. And I decided to start. 5kg less is good value. But I also have feelings about the path that leads there: I should also like that I eat less and exercise less today. If I do not like it, I will not come to this goal. If I don't have that feeling, then I won't do what I want again. Because the will does not consist exclusively and only of reason.

That is, in the end, to the value to which I go in will, I should also have a feeling. And, of course, the more depressed a person is, the less he can do what he wants. And here we again find ourselves in the sphere of mental disorders. In the first dimension of will, this is fear, various phobias. They prevent a person from following his will.

The third dimension of will: that what I want matches my own. So that I can see that it is also important to me, so that it fits me personally.

Let's say a person smokes. He thinks: if I smoke, then I am something of myself. I am 17 years old and I am an adult. For a person at this stage, this is really what corresponds to him. He wants to smoke, he needs it. And when a person becomes more mature, then perhaps he no longer needs a cigarette for self-affirmation.

That is, if I identify myself with something, then I can also want. But if something is not personally important to me, then I will say: yes, I will do it, but in fact I will not do it or I will do it with a delay. By the way we do something, we can determine what is important to us.… It is a diagnosis of the structures that underlie the will. If I do not identify myself, or if I go around what I find important, I again will not do the things that, in fact, I would like to do.

And the fourth dimension of will is the inclusion of will in a larger context, in a larger system of interconnection: what I do must make sense. Otherwise, I cannot do it. If there is no more context. Unless it leads to something where I see and feel that it is valuable. Then I won't do something again.

For a real "want", 4 structures are needed: 1) if I can, 2) if I like it, 3) if it suits me and is important to me, if I have the right to do it, if it is allowed, it is allowed, 4) if I have a feeling that I have to do it, because something good will be born out of it. Then I can do it. Then the will is well rooted, grounded, and strong. Because it is connected with reality, because this value is important to me, because I find myself in it, because I see that something good can come out of it.

There are various problems associated with will. We have no practical problems with will if we really want something. If in our “want” we do not have complete clarity in the aspect of one or more of the listed structures, then we are faced with a dilemma, then I want and still don’t want.

I would like to mention two more concepts here. We all know such a thing as temptation. Temptation means that the direction of my will changes and moves in the direction of something that I, in fact, should not be doing. For example, today they show some good film, and I need to learn the material - and now, this is a temptation. There is delicious chocolate on the table, but I want to lose weight - again a temptation. The consistent direction of my will deviates from the course.

This is familiar to every person, and this is an absolutely normal thing. This includes other attractive values that are also important. At a certain intensity, temptation turns into seduction. There is still will in temptation, and when there is temptation, then I begin to act. These two things are getting stronger. the more the need for me grows. If my desire to live too little is fueled, if I experience little good, then temptations and temptations become stronger. Because we need the joy of life, there should be joy in life. We shouldn't only work, we should also have fun. If that's not enough, the easier it is to seduce me.

III

Finally, I would like to present a method by which we can strengthen the will. For example, in some business we need to do our homework. And we say: I will do it tomorrow - not yet today. And the next day nothing happens, something happens, and we put it off.

What can I do? We can really strengthen the will. If I have a problem and I can't get started, then I can sit down and ask myself: What value am I saying yes? What is it good for if I write this work? What are the benefits of this? I have to see clearly what this is good for. In general terms, these values are known, at least you understand them with your head.

And here the second step is risky, namely: I begin to ask myself "what are the advantages if I do not do this?" What will I gain if I don't write this work? Then I would not have this problem, there would be more pleasure in my life. And it may so happen that I will find so much valuable that it will happen to me if I do not write this work, that I really will not write it.

As a doctor, I have worked a lot with patients who wanted to quit smoking. I asked each of them this question. The answer was: “Do you want to demotivate me? When you ask me what I will win if I don’t quit smoking, then I have so many ideas!” I replied, "Yes, this is the reason why we are sitting here." And there were patients who, after this second step, said: "It became clear to me, I will continue to smoke." Does this mean that I am a bad doctor? I move the patient in the direction that they quit smoking, and I have to motivate them to quit - and I move them in the opposite direction. But it is a small problem if a person says: "I will continue to smoke" than if he thinks for three weeks, and then he will continue to smoke anyway. Because I don't have the strength to quit. If the values that he realizes through smoking are attractive to him, he cannot quit.

This is the reality. Will does not follow reason. The value must be felt, otherwise nothing will work out.

And then the third step follows - and this is the core of this method. Let's say in the second step someone decides: yes, it will be more valuable if I write this work. Then it's about adding value to what you will do, making it your own. As therapists, we may ask: have you ever experienced this - writing something? Maybe this person has already written something and experienced a feeling of joy? This can be cited as an example and ask: what was good about that then? I have had many examples of a similar situation in my practice. Many people told me about writing from the negative side: "It feels like a professor is standing behind my back, watching what I am writing and saying:" Oh, Lord! " And then people are demotivated. Then you need to separate the book from the professor and write for yourself.

That is, the core is the value in question. You need to feel it, how to bring it inside yourself and correlate it with previous experience. And look for values in a specific way of acting.

And the fourth step: why is it, in fact, good? What sense does that make? Why am I doing this at all? What am I studying for? And a specific situation goes into a larger context, on a broader horizon. Then I can experience an increase in my own motivation - or not.

I had a friend who, after a long work on his dissertation, suddenly noticed that there was no point in writing this dissertation. He was a teacher, and it turned out that he had no interest in pedagogy - he just wanted to get an academic title. But why sacrifice so much time for something that doesn't make sense? Therefore, he internally unconsciously blocked the work on the dissertation. His senses were smarter than his mind.

What practical steps can be taken here? You cannot expect from yourself that you can write everything quickly at once. But you can start with one paragraph. You can take something from some book. That is, we see that we can shape our life. We see it is important to take your life into your own hands. In the problems of will, we can do something too. Namely: look at the structure of the will. Because if the structures are not fulfilled, then nothing will work out with will. We can also ask ourselves an open question in relation to some task: what speaks against this? should i really do this? or should I free myself, leave this task? It is in the context of “leave” that the real “want” can arise. As long as I force myself, I will cause a paradoxical reaction.

Man is so free that we want to remain free before ourselves. Thank you very much for your attention.

Prepared by Anastasia Khramuticheva