Mother And Daughter

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In early childhood, an almost complete fusion with the mother is necessary for the child in order to survive. “The sense of security that comes from this symbiosis helps him to grow, mature and gradually start an independent life. But if there was no such closeness, the desire to merge with the mother, to feel her unconditional love may remain the most important, the main thing."

That is why so many adults look at the world through the eyes of their mother, do what she would do, hope for her approval and appreciation.

Remaining in a close relationship with her mother, the girl stops growing up, because she does not feel like a separate person. Only by moving away, you can discover the differences: "How am I different from her?", "What am I?", "Who am I as a woman?" By keeping her daughter close to her, the mother prevents her from finding answers to these questions.

“Gradual separation, separation from parents, creates a mental space within us, which is necessary in order to feel our characteristics and desires, including our femininity.

It is the ability to discern what belongs to me and what belongs to another."

A woman's natural desire to become independent can be hindered by the mother's desire to keep her close to her, often unconscious. She does this in several ways.

Guilt. Some mothers use guilt to exercise control over their daughter. From such mothers you can often hear: "Selfish, you think only of yourself", "Whom do you leave me to?" her own experience. The daughter, in turn, cannot cope with the feeling of guilt from the fact that she inflicts a wound on her mother.

An overbearing mother can use guilt feelings to reflect her daughter's claim to ownership of her own life. Feelings of guilt will remain in adulthood when the daughter grows up and leaves the parental home, and which will arise again and again when she takes life into her own hands.

The mother may also unconsciously exhibit behavior that shows that if you disobey me, I will abandon you. For example: when a girl tries to start growing up, sets boundaries and begins to live her life, ceasing to indulge and satisfy the needs of her mother, as well as cease to replace her mother's deficiency, such as loneliness (be with me) pain (heal my wounds, be a plaster demonstrates my mother). Do not choose your life, be with me so that I am not alone. And the girl does not choose, she subconsciously refuses her own family, her happiness, her beloved man, etc.

After all, if she chooses herself, then she will have to leave her mother alone with her own feelings, who, in turn, does not want to meet them at all!

Anger and aggression. The daughter cannot bear the mother's anger - she either breaks out of this relationship, or becomes intimidated. Neither alternative leads to freedom and personality building. Independence should be encouraged by the mother, not violated. The mother can convey to the child one of two messages: either "I love your unique individuality" or "I hate your individuality and will try to destroy it." The child cannot resist such an onslaught and develops in the direction that suits the mother.

You can also single out another way to slow down and postpone separation - this is to inspire the child with thoughts about his dependence, weakness, worthlessness. The mother can, with a smile on her face and even with care, instill this in the girl, saying something like: "Oh, let me do it myself, you will not succeed" or "Take a rest, I will do it myself, you will still work, get ready, etc." … Or he can do it in a rude form, for example: “But who needs you besides your mother, you’re such an inept,” “All good men look at beauties, and you don’t make faces with us”, “Oh, what would you do without me”,“Whoever will tolerate your character, I can hardly bear it as a mother”,“Who needs you with a brood, then bring up the children, otherwise she’s invented something else, she’s going to establish her personal life”,“You don’t know how choose men "," I was ashamed of you then. " There are a lot of such examples.

If you look at the relationship between the mother and the child from the inside, then all of these above signs lead to ambivalent (opposite) feelings, both in childhood and in older life. Continuing to fight with the mother, the adult himself slows down the process of separation from her.

The more there are feelings of guilt, resentment, anger towards the mother, or towards both parents, the deeper the attachment to them. Good questions to ask yourself: "I still need my mother, because …", "What do I hope for, continuing to sort things out, making up, quarreling, reproaching, or, conversely, pleasing and rolling my mother?" "What am I hiding from myself, explaining all the problems of life by pressure, influence and the need to take care of the mother?"

Where is the line between good, trusting relationships and complete dependence on the desires and moods of the mother? It is not always easy to find the answer to this question. Especially now, when friendly relations with the mother ("mother-friend") are becoming the ideal of many women. But often they hide the lack of distance, the very “not cut umbilical cord”.

Daily calls, seeking advice, intimate details - this is how it looks in real life. But the constant conflicts, and even the gap between mother and daughter, do not mean that there is no emotional connection between them. Distance is also not an indicator. "A daughter can be extremely dependent on her mother, despite the fact that they are separated by thousands of kilometers, or live with her in the same house and be independent."

Real independence comes when a woman critically evaluates the attitudes she inherited from her mother, ways of behavior, life scenarios. It is impossible to completely abandon them, since this way she will be isolated from her own femininity. But to accept them entirely means that she, remaining a copy of her mother, will never become herself. I wish you to be free and happy.