From Victim To Tyrant And Back

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"The whole world is a theater, and the people in it are actors." If the classic knew how fair it would be in this assessment, maybe he would have refrained from such radical statements. Psychologists are sure: many people do not live - they play. Day after day, pronouncing the texts assigned to them according to their "role". If you like the role - no problem, play on. But it happens that you catch yourself on the same words, actions, reactions to other people and already on the wall you want to climb from the constantly repeating system of mistakes, beloved "rakes" that you endlessly step on. Tatiana Kuznetsova, an analytical psychologist, a member of the Perm Association of Analytical Psychology, tells about the favorite roles of various people, and most importantly, about the ways to get out of the rather boring "performance".

Many psychological games that arise in various life situations and are often found in our society are usually reduced to a communication model called the Karpman triangle.

Its three corners are three roles: "Victim", "tyrant" and "Lifeguard" … In these roles, dependent relationships are fully realized, no matter what participant in these games we are talking about.

The participants in this “game” are constantly changing their roles, so this “game” does not get bored for a long time and sometimes it can continue for a lifetime. Of course, each role has its own advantages, so at first the participants play with great pleasure. But then the time inevitably comes when the destructiveness of this "game" begins to exceed the pleasure of it.

If we talk about who is who, then the most socially approved, most prestigious role will be “ rescuer". Therefore, it is very easy to agree to this role. " Rescuers »They know the answer to any question, it is very important for them to help, advise, save in order to feel needed and important. The Rescuer always takes responsibility for the well-being of others. For all the wonderfulness of such a role, the “rescuer” needs to give himself an account: while he is dealing with other people's problems, his own are only accumulating. The “rescuer” usually has an unconscious belief that his personal needs are not important, that he is valued only for what he can do for other people. That is, no matter what you want and can do for yourself, it is much more important to save others. Please note: no one says that you do not need to help other people, it is important to give yourself an account of the reasons for this. If from helping someone, a person feels extremely proud and significant or, on the contrary, used, this may be a signal that he is playing the role of a “rescuer”.

"Victim" - this is an offended, offended person, the one who suffers, whether from unhappy love, hard work, alcoholism, drugs or something else. All relationships in the Karpman triangle are built around “ victims ”And, paradoxically, on her initiative.

Why? Because the unfortunate victim »Receives many privileges from his inferior position. She can be irresponsible, lack of initiative, she will be “saved” anyway. This person is constantly pitied, he is constantly in the spotlight, he does not need to take responsibility for his life, he can simply do nothing. This role can be taken by a person who, for some reason, decides that he is not able to take care of himself, that others, society, hard life, unhappy love, illness, etc. are to blame for everything. and there must certainly be someone (a rescuer) who will come and arrange his life for him.

The third member of the triangle is the so-called " tyrant"Is the one who, from the point of view of" victims ”, Causes various troubles, exerts pressure. Wherein " victim"In search of protection, refers to" lifeguard"And if someone agrees to this role, then the triangle has taken place.

Roles in such triangle constantly changing. Often " tyrants"Consider themselves" victims ”, Believing that their behavior is self-defense. To justify themselves, these people often live under the slogan “ the world is so cruel that only heartless people can survive in it, which means I will be like this ". Often the weak and defenseless become tyrants, they attack to protect themselves.

"Triangular" relationships can develop in any life situation. This is most clearly manifested in families where there is a person with addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction) or a very sick person. In short, someone who, by all accounts, needs constant care. People are often "saved" from love when someone loves so passionately that they spend all their strength on a person who does not reciprocate. In this situation, the lover will be a "victim"; his object is perceived as a "tyrant"; the lover's environment, as a rule, falls into the position of a "rescuer". In such a relationship, for a very long time, everything can go in a vicious circle.

Note that two people are quite enough for the Karpman triangle. Sometimes it is these relationships that unfold in married couples: husband and wife constantly changing roles, playing that " Tirana", then " sacrifice ”And regularly saving each other.

It is curious that it is not profitable for anyone in the triangle to play out his role to its logical conclusion. If we take destructive relationships in a family where there is an alcoholic, we can see that a wife who regularly rescues her husband, or, conversely, suffers from him, plays a socially approved role " victims" and " lifeguard »At the same time, receiving an unconscious benefit from such relationships in the form of pity of others or a feeling of self-importance in the life of this person, and thus unconsciously supports these destructive relationships.

If the wife works lifeguard ”, She constantly receives approval from society, and she herself feels like a significant figure, whose life is filled with the meaning of fighting her husband's illness.

If the wife is in this relationship " victim", Then she again in the eyes of neighbors and friends on the podium:" Look, what a great fellow Maria! With such an unlucky man, everything keeps on her, both the children and the house! " If the husband stops drinking, she is no longer a heroine! This is called a codependent relationship. Unfortunately, many women fulfill themselves through such destructive relationships.

Sometimes Karpman's triangle is called "shame generator" … Shame is the cementing force in such relationships, because everything is tied to feelings of guilt. And one of the main tasks inside the triangle is a game called “ find and punish the culprit". Perhaps this is the reason why such a communication model is very common in Russia. There is a Russian folk amusement - to look for the guilty. In a huge number of situations we have someone to blame, but not myself. The participants in the triangle in no way take responsibility for what is happening. There are very few women who, on reflection, can honestly say: "My husband drinks, including because I somehow provoke him to do it."

Very often people get stuck in the role of “ victims" or " Tirana", Which is practically the same thing, because" victim ”At some point, it changes its status and itself begins to tyrannize its offender.

As a rule, in order to get out of such destructive relationships, the help of the fourth figure is needed - the "observer" who stands in a neutral position. Obviously, this person can be a psychologist, or someone from the participants who are tired of playing "rescuers", "tyrants", "victims". Very often, such a scenario relationship can last a lifetime, and the fourth in them is superfluous. The reason may be that people are completely unaware of what is happening, or they are quite comfortable with such a life.

If, for some reason, you no longer want to play in this flawed triangle, first you need to correctly identify it, become aware of yourself in this triangle, realize the role that you play in it (with which you entered this triangle).

We are talking about a triangle if a person is asked for help for a reason, but in exchange for something. "I will quit drinking if you drive my friends out (you will sit next to me all the time; you will find a good specialist, etc.)." In this case, the one who makes the request is clearly trying to shift the responsibility for his condition onto another. If the one to whom they turn is “bought” for it, then we are talking about a codependent relationship. I will allow myself some advice: do not rush to help if you are expected to help with a condition. You are drawn into the game. As soon as an adult refuses to take responsibility for himself, he enters the role of "victim" and looks for a "rescuer" for himself. However, everything in life is the result of our actions. Illness, failure at work or at home, bad relationships with friends, absolutely everything is a consequence of our personal actions, let's be honest with ourselves.

If you realized that you are in a scenario relationship, first of all, you need to take responsibility for your feelings, actions, reactions: “ How do I personally help keep this relationship going? »Understand what the situation gives you personally, why you do not leave this game.

Next, the next question arises: to continue the relationship according to the prevailing scenario or to get out of it. If a person remains, then one must honestly tell oneself what dividends he receives from his sacrificial role or role " lifeguard" or " Tirana". Perhaps this is a tough position, but an adult and conscious one.

How can you stop being a “lifeguard”? Try to share your responsibility and someone else's, be responsible only for yourself, for what is in your power, keep your own boundaries. You don't have to do anything for " sacrifice ”, Give advice, help only when asked, emphasizing: this is my opinion, you decide for yourself. It is important to take the position " observer". Be ready to help, but only at the moment when the victim begins to do something on her own. After all, a lying person can only be helped to lie down, but a person who is getting up can already be helped to get up.

There are situations when one participant in the triangle has already "gorged" on this scenario, and the second is not going to finish it. To continue and hold the first one, he will use all possible levers of influence, for example, start to get sick. Don't try to force others to live right; allow yourself and others to have the right to make mistakes. First of all, it is yourself that needs to be taken out of the script, in my practice I am constantly convinced that if at least one participant changes in the Karpman triangle, then the relationship changes completely, it becomes impossible to continue the previous scenario.

Images: Artist Joshua Burbank