You Give Birth To Me, And I Will Call You Back

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Video: You Give Birth To Me, And I Will Call You Back

Video: You Give Birth To Me, And I Will Call You Back
Video: When You Call - Cyrus Reynolds ft. BELLSAINT (Life is Strange: True Colors) 2024, March
You Give Birth To Me, And I Will Call You Back
You Give Birth To Me, And I Will Call You Back
Anonim

Author: Mikhail Labkovsky Source: snob.ru

Give birth to me

I'll call you back!

Vladimir Vishnevsky

Both in life and in practice, I have met few good fathers. Men are generally not like good fathers. This is even a little unnatural. In principle, they are arranged differently! The paternal instinct is a myth. In any case, one is not born with it. Fathers love children with social love: they become attached to those children with whom they spend time, whom they care about. Even if forcedly … At least at first. A good father is always the product of a woman's correct behavior strategy. Getting married and giving birth is not a trick. The most difficult and most important thing is to raise a caring dad out of a husband.

And it's worth starting with the fact that in advance, BEFORE pregnancy, find out if your partner wants children and is ready for everything connected with them. Only in this case can you then make demands on him, share responsibility and worries for two. And if you find out that you are not ready, it is better to postpone childbirth or honestly rely only on yourself.

So I was going to write about fathers and address them - real and potential, but it turned out that again all the bumps on women. After all, everything depends on you, and let's admit it again.

Now, remember what the late Dr. Spock advised? Come out of the hospital, hand the child into the hands of the father, and go for a manicure yourself. Exaggerated, but the idea is clear. And she is faithful.

Often women move their husbands away from the crib with the words "everything should be sterile here." Or they snatch the little bag with the baby out of his hands - "you will drop it still." Or inexplicably whisper "I myself" at the sound of wah in the middle of the night. And then a mother-grandmother arrives, a man-mother-in-law, and the defense is even stronger. Plus, in some families it is customary to hire a nanny, and more than one. Thus, a distance arises between the father and the child, almost a line of alienation. It is believed that the age of up to a year, or even up to three, is not the time when a father can be useful on the farm. Is that for diapers to drive, kiss the heel and be touched.

And now, the moment is missed!

I very often hear from fathers of children of all ages: “What to do with him? Small, snotty, he can't talk. They are not interested, bored and a little scared at the thought that they will have to spend an hour or two alone with a child. According to the recollections of Leo Tolstoy's daughters, he began to communicate with them after their 20th birthday. But if your husband is not Tolstoy, I think you can make a decent father out of him.

Advice on the topic. If the child is awake, a normal, loving man will get up to him at least once. You, most importantly, do not stop him.

Never reject an offer of help, no "come on, I can handle it." Well, if there are no offers of help, you yourself actively involve your husband in serving the baby. It is necessary to change diapers (from time to time) there was simply no one - except him! Bathing - only together and only with dad. “It’s very difficult and unsafe for me alone,” and this is the truth. Don't start straight until he gets home.

Walking with a child is a sacred thing for a father. The text is like this: "I am preparing dinner, I will be waiting for you in two hours."

In a word, dressing, undressing, putting to bed - all this can and should be done together or in turn. Establish parenting rituals in the family as early as possible in the childcare process. Some responsibilities should be solely in the jurisdiction of the father!

And, besides, under various pretexts, leave the child face-to-face with his dad. Let him get used to it. “I need a break,” “I urgently need to go to the clinic,” and ran … There is nothing selfish and frivolous in this - remember, you are raising your child's father, you are saving your family and your common future. Only by investing in the child his time and energy, walking, changing diapers, bathing, getting up to him at night, a man is able to firmly attach and love the child. By the way, not necessarily your own.

Unfortunately, for today's fathers themselves, childhood most often passed without fathers. It is not a fact that they grew up in single-parent families or that their dads were alcoholics or bad people. They could simply not take care of their sons, not really participate in their life, maybe they could not even make a "goat" for a child. And now we have really helpless men who have no idea how to feed, dress, put their baby on a pot … They say: “How do I know what he wants and what he yells?”, “How to PLAY with him when is he still not on his feet? " How do they even know that a man can do this in a family, when their harsh fathers and grandfathers considered communication with children an unmanly affair? If anyone is wrong, congratulations! The rest will have to start the right traditions in the family for the first time.

Position: “I bring money to the family and this is my contribution! What else do you want? ", And even more so -" I work, I get tired - I have no time for your snot "- I consider stupid and completely unacceptable. A father is not only (and in modern times - and not so much) a breadwinner, but a person who participates in both the care and upbringing of children, who communicates with them, is interested in their life, on whom the child can rely and always knows about it ! This is the only way parents manage to raise healthy, self-confident people, and not neurotics with attention deficit and a bunch of complexes.

The worst thing to choose in a family scenario is the role of the bad investigator. And, unfortunately, her father most often plays. And then he, like a moron, is being led to an elementary female provocation: "Go, figure it out, I can no longer." In 99% of cases, this means that he will now start yelling or even take a belt, instead of calmly saying: "Sonny (daughter), what happened here?" And they are to blame for every scene with the father's anger - both the mother, who "drains" the child and often uses the threat "I will tell dad," and the father, who finds it easier to ritually get angry than to fundamentally change the approach and make a systemic restructuring of relations in the family.

Another serious problem with fathers is jealousy. For some men, it is a complete horror when all attention is turned to the child. Being infantile, they become incredibly tormented and jealous. And aggression towards children in most cases is manifested precisely because of jealousy!

I had a client in my consultation who told with horror that every time the whole family sits on the couch - she, her husband and their little son, the son inevitably ends up on the floor, because his husband imperceptibly STEPS off the couch, moving and moving in its direction. Well what can you say? Children, especially small children, really require 100% of the mother's attention, and yet it would be good to somehow contrive and preserve the relationship of the "man-woman" level and not transfer them to the level of "man-mother of a man's child." It is very difficult, important and possible only on condition of love and friendship between the spouses.

An important difference between men in approaching a child is that they are much more ambitious than women and constantly burden children with their high hopes. You see, they always think that their child is NOT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH! That, as a rule, results in a childish neurosis of "unjustified expectations." How many tragedies and children's tears have I observed when 12-year-old girls were sent to schools near London or Bern, when their sons, against their will, were forced to enter the Higher School of Economics or the correct faculty of Moscow State University - simply because their father decided so. My father once dreamed of studying there himself. Like, "what the fathers did not finish, we will finish!"

Or one dad of a 7-year-old girl said that her daughter is engaged in gymnastics, and everything is tough there, but he agreed with the coach that they would not "break" her until she was 12 years old. Thus making it clear that he is not such a crazy parent as everyone else … In my opinion, it is generally strange to admit the idea that your child will be "broken".

Mothers are not so raging about their studies, they care about the health of the child more than school performance. But the fatherly ambition in this theme flourishes in lush color! As in the topic of control, especially for girls. Here dads behave especially aggressively, trying to severely restrict freedom - not so much out of a desire to protect from troubles, but out of fear and, again, jealousy …

A few words about divorced fathers. There is a category of men who go to another woman, create a new family, have children there, and forget about the "previous" ones. And these men are not so few as people think. This again refers to the question of the social nature of paternal feelings - there is something from "out of sight - out of mind" in this.

And for those who, in a state of divorce, keep in touch with children, two mistakes are characteristic. The first mistake: when meeting with a child, "turn on the teacher" and reduce all communication to control questions about studies, grades, lessons, discipline, extra classes, "what are you just thinking about?", And "now we need to get together and push." The second way Sunday dads misbehave is to have a continuous celebration. Move from the cinema to the cafe, from there to the zoo, there on the carousel, then to the Children's World, to the pizzeria, and so on ad infinitum.

And the child, meanwhile, like air, needs normal human communication! So that dad asks about what worries the child, feel his mood, state, be interested in his relationships with friends and the opposite sex, etc

But we have to admit that instead of this, fathers often fence themselves off from their children, first buying toys for them, and then (at best) paying for their studies. To offer money instead of yourself is generally a common situation in our country. As well as male infantilism and unwillingness to take responsibility. Plus, emotional underdevelopment, when men do not know how to show good feelings, even really cannot hug a child, but they are perfectly able to show aggression … All this is, and all this is a fact of our life. But all of this can be worked on. There would be a desire.

And in the end I will try to appeal directly to the representatives of the stronger sex:

- do not marry, or do not agree to have a wife give birth, if you do not feel the need to become a father. Ideally, you should be ready, you should want it, and most importantly, have the energy and time for it;

- develop your emotionality, learn to give and take love, learn to feel and express your feelings;

- if you want you to have a real, close, trusting relationship with children, do not wait until they turn 15 - bathe, swaddle, bottle and spoon feed, get up at night and walk during the day, always be there - not literally, so soul and thoughts.

- learn to play seemingly senseless children's games;

- do not burden children with your expectations, do not raise excellent students, astronauts, Bill Gates, Landau academics from them - accept them as they are …

If anyone had a father who could do all this … How grateful we are to him, right? Forever grateful.

Those who had and still have such fathers have grown up as people who are confident in themselves, and of course happier and healthier than everyone else …

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