On Spousal Compatibility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Love is a very capacious and multidimensional word. We are used to the fact that most people consider love to be the basis of a happy and fulfilling family.

However, is it worth focusing on love as the basis of marital compatibility? What is the point of relying mainly on the concept of "love" in marriage, if everyone puts into it his own meaning, only accessible to him? But what about those whose feelings of love have dulled and subsided over time, and does this mean the end of a happy marriage? Maybe there is something else besides this mysterious word - more accessible and understandable for two?

I'm pretty sure that successful marriages are not made in heaven, but on earth. From the very beginning, they are almost mathematically “doomed” to become successful. And it is not so important how the spouses approached this. Someone set a "rough calculation" as their goal, but mind you, if the calculation was correct - isn't it luck? Someone just long and stubbornly searched for “their man”, but if you think about such a search, it turns out that the person at first clearly imagined who could become his “soul mate”, that's why she was found.

That is, for a happy married life, the initially correct choice of a companion is very important, which will create the necessary ground, a platform for building further relationships, for their development into something more than cohabitation in the same territory.

The whole question is how to make this choice.

If a person annoys you, then you chose him wrong.

R. Mogilevsky

My hypothesis of a successful marriage is simple and unpretentious: in order for the union of two people to develop, the future spouses should have as many common (or complementary) life guidelines as possible, the so-called points of contact. I single out a number of such points and I believe that the more coincidences, the more chances are to live with your chosen one "to a ripe old age and die on the same day," even taking into account the practical impossibility of coinciding on all points at once.

I think, if you wish, you can take a closer look, try to "step out into the auditorium from the stage of your own family life" and predict the future of the family, or look from the outside at the picture of what is happening. In addition, a timely “inventory of relationships” is another chance to strengthen the union and rethink the goals with which each of the spouses marries, analyzing their own expectations and correlating them with the real possibilities of the couple.

What are these compatibility indicators?

So, in my opinion, in order for family life to develop as harmoniously and comfortably as possible for everyone in a couple, it is desirable for spouses to coincide or complement each other at different levels of marital interaction, which I would divide into 4 main groups:

- psychophysiological level;

- psychological level;

- socio-psychological level;

- socio-cultural level.

The psychophysiological level includes such parameters as:

● Age compatibility (taking into account the chronological age, as well as the age of psychological maturity);

● Individual psychophysiological personality traits (such as, for example, temperament, level of emotionality and reactivity of the organism, stability of the psyche, etc.);

● Physiological compatibility (the so-called concept of "morality" for a number of indicators);

● Sexual compatibility;

● General level of physical, and especially mental health;

● Coincidence in daily biorhythms;

etc.

The psychological level includes the following:

● Compatibility of characters;

● Intelligent compatibility;

● Lack of barriers in communication;

● Attitude to bad habits (such as alcohol, smoking, etc.)

● Culinary preferences of the spouses;

etc.

The following important factors can be attributed to the socio-psychological level:

● Social environment and level of education of the spouses;

● Relationships of spouses with parents, friends and relatives of each other, as well as personal relationships of each with their immediate environment;

● The educational level of the spouses;

● Unity of views in matters of family, procreation and upbringing of children;

● Complementary social roles in the family;

● Consent in financial matters (stability of the financial situation of the family);

● Living conditions of the spouses;

● Compatibility in the issue of housekeeping (including the division of responsibilities in the family);

● Unity of views on the attitude of pets;

etc.

The sociocultural level includes such factors as:

● Religious views of the spouses;

● Political views / beliefs;

● Professional compatibility;

● Community of hobbies / interests (cinema, TV, music, theater, literature, art, etc.)

● Attitude towards sports;

● Similar preferences in spending leisure time (daily, weekly rest, vacations);

● Common goals, positions, views on life;

etc.

I am more than sure that it makes sense for two people who immensely love each other and strive to create a strong family, even before making the fateful decision, to discuss with their chosen one the above, and possibly other issues, to find out the preferences and position of each (if this position exists at all).

By the way, the presence of one's own realistic and honest position on this matter, it seems to me, already testifies to a sufficiently high level of psychological maturity and is another point "FOR", which speaks of a person's readiness to approach the creation of his family with full responsibility.

In the end, I will say that there is one more little secret, the so-called zest, without which all these "… twenty" points can simply be zeroed out, and a coincidence, even in most of them, will not lead to anything good.

O relationship between peopleand - this is not something stable, once and for all legalized by a stamp in a passport or by a church ceremony. This is a fickle substance that is constantly changing, as well as the participants in the relationship themselves.

Successful marriage - this is not an end in itself, not the result of some planned investment with a guaranteed return, not an end point. This is a whole path, a long and winding road to building, caring and forming these relationships between people, which in turn requires real - physical, psychological and moral labor costs from each side:

- to understand the other, - readiness to compromise, - the desire to discover new facets in your spouse, - the interest and desire to consider in it what deserves sincere admiration (even when it seems that nothing new can be found).

In fact, marriages fail not only because one spouse turns from “ideal” to “mediocrity”. Usually it is not the person who changes so drastically, but the other person's idea of him. Or if the spouses have run out of strength to maintain the illusion about the ideality of their soulmate, they have lost (for various reasons) the desire to SEE amazing new things in a loved one and accept their imperfection in them.

Therefore, obtaining a realistic picture of compatibility at the initial stage of the relationship will not allow future spouses to acquire unnecessary fantasies and illusions about each other, which subsequently will protect from the painful collapse of unrealizable hopes - and, as a result, will save from the most difficult disappointment in the same love, mentioned many times earlier. …

In other words, living in such a way that your life partner does not irritate you requires a lot of effort even when he is very suitable for you initially. And if it doesn’t fit, it’s probably impossible at all.

(R. Mogilevsky).