About Love, Insecurity And Ex-wives

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Every time I start my new article, I ask my subconscious mind what topic will be most in demand for the readers of my subscription. And since the subconscious mind can do everything and has access to that field of information that is inaccessible to the mind, then I try to listen to its prompts. Hints can come from everywhere: an intrusive thought, a book or article that accidentally caught your eye, questions from my clients

Today's prompt came in the form of a consultation request. Request subject: a woman is in a relationship with a man and is already planning to live together. And right now doubts have arisen about the expediency of this step. The woman is “afraid” that she will not be able to “replace” the man with his former family, where his ex-wife and children remain, and the man still has a great emotional connection with this family.

If we abstract from the particulars and look at the situation in general, then it is about the woman's fear that her man could theoretically return to his ex-wife. And she, quite understandably, would like guarantees that living together will be joyful, trouble-free and the man will not go anywhere.

I would like to point out that an appeal to a psychologist subconsciously, and often consciously, means that he will give a ready-made answer or a ready-made method of what needs to be done and what cannot be done so that everything is fine. A person endows a specialist with certain alchemical qualities and is ready to follow the recommendations unquestioningly. When you begin to understand the request deeper and get to its essence, then I hear the traditional question: "What to do?"

The roots of this kind of comfort go back to childhood. In childhood, we learn a norm of behavior based on the vertical of power. There is a charter. Point one: the parent is always right. Point two: if the parent is wrong, see point one.

The active nature of the child thirsts for knowledge and discovery, in the process of which he acquires his first life experience. It is rare for a parent to support the child's research activities and, within reason, allow the child to fill their first bumps. Often, the child's activity is suppressed by prohibitions, horror stories, threats.

Of course, the baby must know the boundaries of what is permissible in order to quickly adapt to the world around him and develop the first skills of self-control. A small child cannot control himself, so he needs the help of an adult in setting the boundaries of acceptable behavior.

But all is well - if in moderation.

Total prohibitions, punishments, suppression of the child's opinion just because he is still small, leads to low self-esteem and to the program setting "be invisible, be nobody"

"If you want to avoid criticism, don't do anything, don't say anything and be nothing."

Most often it is girls who inherit this program. It is also called “ complex of excellent pupils . She, by all means, needs to meet someone's expectations and ideas. She cannot afford the luxury of her own point of view, if it goes against the opinion of teachers and parents. She's a good girl, and good girls should obey, please parents and teachers.

If she does her homework well, they will be pleased with her. And it turns out that it is OK through the prism of external assessments and under someone's dictation.

Why did I plunge into the topic of childhood and the role of authorities in our life in such detail?

Because girls grow up, and complexes do not disappear anywhere. In adulthood, such girls are looking for different mentors, coaches and psychoanalysts who will tell her what and how to do to become OK. Along the way, she will also listen to the opinions of her friends, colleagues and relatives.

In understanding how she needs to live, she will listen to the opinions of those who are authoritative for her. She thinks that anyone knows about her and her life better than herself. She just needs to hear what to do and she will dutifully do, and with honors, she is a good girl. Her "goodness" continues to be seen through the prism of someone else's opinion.

And for these opinions, she goes to a psychologist, not wanting to listen to her own opinion, and most importantly, desire.

In this situation, I consider it my task to return the "good girl" to her roots and help her to hear herself as the only correct decision in any situation.

Life lessons are not school lessons. If at school you can cheat, cheat, get sick in time in order to get a good grade, then in life everything is not so. Life will return you to the penalty loop and force you to re-pass the failed lessons. And so it will be until the lesson is fully learned, i.e. lived in person, with the adoption of their own conclusions.

And if you are used to relying on someone else's, authoritative opinion in everything, relying on someone else's experience, then life with enviable constancy will return you to a skipped lesson.

I will return to the request.

I really like the phrase: “ Life does not provide any guarantees, but only opportunities . The Creator endowed us with free will, and we have the right to use this. Not a single living creature, except man, has this opportunity. That is why it is so important to be able to hear both your desires and your fears in order to exercise your will in this life. Stop waiting for outside clues. A psychologist can only help to remove the internal noise and tune your signal to the frequency of life you need. There are no universal techniques and practices that are equally useful for everyone. What one trash, another - a treasure. It is important to be able to convey what you have heard through your inner feelings. And the main thing is, finally, to take responsibility for your decisions on yourself.

And learn your lesson on your own, even if not with honors.

- Lord, is it true that sex without love is a sin?

- Why are you fixated on this sex? Anything without love is a sin.

To create a relationship with fear “what if it doesn't work out” means to tune your receiver to a wave of uncertainty, suspicion and something dubious. And if you take into account the presence of an ex-wife and her constant presence in your life due to the fact that there are children from this marriage, then it turns out to be a very dangerous adventure.

With your attention, you add energy to things you don't want

I remember in childhood, when my mother started a big wash (and in Soviet times there were no automatic washing machines, so washing took her all day and was a very hard job), she would say with a smile: “This is the idea of washing and it will definitely rain . And what do you think? It must have rained on this day, and all day long, without a hint of the sun coming from behind the clouds.

Roughly the same is the case with my husbands' car wash now. He goes to the car wash and chuckles that it will probably rain in the coming days. And as on request: despite the weather forecast, it rains.

Call it what you want: the law of meanness or the law of attraction, but it's a fact.

Not even though, we focus our attention on those moments that will hinder the development of relations. And if you look for them carefully, they will certainly be found.

Conduct a simple experiment: within one minute, find all brown objects in a visible space. Only brown. Then close your eyes and mentally list all of your findings. Good. Now, without opening your eyes, name all the objects of blue that are in space.

Most likely, the second task will be more difficult for you to complete than the first, since your focus was only on brown objects.

And so in absolutely everything: what we pay attention to, it tends to grow and fill our attention even more.

"Don't Think About the Yellow Monkey"

When we choose a partner for our life together, we simultaneously take into our life his entire past life. This means that his ex-wife, children, friends, parents are now part of your life. And if you start to avoid it, convince yourself that all this does not concern you, you thereby displace part of your life, try to fence off from it with a granite wall. You want to skip this life lesson, but it will come back over and over again in your life.

Men themselves sometimes do not speak flatteringly about ex-wives. And they are echoed by the current companions. And this is not correct. The ex-wife is part of his past, and if there are children, she will always be invisibly present in his life. And from your attitude to it will depend on what impact it will have on your own life.

Remember, we always increase the value of what we pay attention to.

How do you react to your man's ex-wife? As a potential danger to you, or as a woman your husband once loved? Yes, most likely there was once love and why deny it. You do not deny that the Earth revolves around the Sun. You do not argue with gravitational forces and other forces of nature, as you understand the whole pointlessness of this event. Now I will not talk about how an ex-wife should behave with her ex-husband. This is a waste of time and energy, especially considering that no one owes us anything. All that is important to you to remember is how you decide to react to it. You decide, because here you have the right to decide on your own.

There can be dozens of options for a relationship, but in fact it is a choice between accepting a man with his past experience or giving up part of his life, a ban on it.

In the first case, we allow, in the second, we prohibit. If we allow something, then we are sure of it, if we prohibit it, then there is no certainty. And in what or in whom there is no certainty? In your ex-wife? But you are not going to build a life together with her. In a partner? Then the question is: why do you need a partner in which you are not sure? Not confident in themselves and in their ability to give him what he needs? Then the question to myself: is the ex-wife and my chosen one to blame for these doubts?

Obviously, they have nothing to do with it. This inner state of insecurity will only strengthen your partner in you. In your relationship, the roles will be clearly defined: you doubt, he gives cause for doubt. If there is a victim, then the aggressor will always be there.

"If at the beginning of the play there is a gun hanging on the wall, then (towards the end of the play) it should fire."

Your partner will only strengthen what is within you. There is uncertainty - it multiplies; there is love - and this will strengthen the partner.

And it is your lack of self-confidence that makes you demand a guarantee from your partner.

What guarantees can we generally talk about in a relationship? Strong relationships are possible where they are worked on. And even then, no one guarantees anything to you. Relationship guarantees are a myth.

Constancy is not originally inherent in human nature. Loyalty, responsibility is part of a conscious choice. We make thousands of choices every day: we decide what we eat for breakfast, what we wear today, how we get to work. And every day we choose our partner again. We choose to stay close to him and not go to someone else. But if today we have chosen a family, this does not mean that it will always be so. This does not mean that we will never again be able to choose another partner for ourselves, or we will never regret our choice.

We just make a choice in favor of our partner every day, throughout life, at a time when life will provide us with other options.

And this is important to understand. By not fully choosing your partner every day, you start focusing on the negative aspects of your life together.

Ask yourself the question more often: "Why do I choose it today?"

If you haven't found the answer to this question today, ask yourself tomorrow. Day after tomorrow. And if within a few days there is no answer and your relationship comes to a standstill, it's time to let go of your partner.

Give him and yourself a chance to find a partner who will choose you daily and unconditionally.

What to do if ex-wives, insecurity and love have appeared in your life?

Firstly: stop looking for ready-made solutions for your situation. In life, you will meet a huge number of prompts, well-wishers, who for some reason know what to do. If you tend to listen to the opinions of others, then most likely you are irresponsible. Responsibility is the ability to be responsible for your decisions not only to people, but, above all, to yourself. You can listen to dozens of opinions, including the opinion of the author of this article, but make decisions only on your own. Did you know that there is an ex-wife, there are children, there is a great emotional connection between them? If so, then never again consider this fact as your own punishment, a hindrance to your family, a reason for reproaches. They saw the eyes that they took.

Secondly: accept this situation. There is no need to fight windmills and deny the facts. The past is the past, it is no longer there. As simple as it sounds. The fact that someone decides to deny the Sun, it does not cease to shine. If there are children, the bond between the former spouses will continue. It is important to remain calm and remember that each of us makes choices on a daily basis. Did your man stay with you today? This means that at the same time he refused to choose in favor of other women. At the same time, ask yourself why you chose this man. And then you will remember that before you is not the ex-wife's ex-husband, but a beloved man, with a set of qualities peculiar to him, for which you continue to love and choose him every day.

Thirdly: outline the rules of the game on the "shore". Family life is a great voyage in the open, stormy sea of life. The ship was built in order to go to sea, and not stay in a quiet harbor. But before embarking on an exciting journey called family life, it is important to outline the rules of conduct on board the ship and the route to follow. If the past begs to be aboard your ship, it is important to immediately outline your personal boundaries: what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. Tell your chosen one about this immediately, without demands and threats. It is very important for men that his woman trusts him and accepts him for who he is. Your ultimatums and demands can be perceived as mistrust, jealousy and a desire to keep him under control. Talk about your boundaries calmly, explain why it is important for you and for him. A man deliberately works on relationships when he realizes his benefits from them. And the benefit for him will be your trust, a smile on your face and love.

Fourthly: even if in your joint voyage everything does not go as you agreed "on the shore" - don't make harsh decisions … Postpone important decisions. I understand that with this phrase I risk unleashing a sea of indignation from both women and men. But do not rush to condemn. Now we are not talking about Christian obedience and humility. Everything in this life has a price. And often for family happiness you have to pay with patience. I tell you this as a woman who has been married for over 12 years

And I can safely subscribe to the favorite phrase of Radislav Gandapas, which sounds like this: "Marriage is based on the constant postponement of divorce."

There are enough grounds for divorce in any marriage - any family person will confirm this to you. Sometimes it will seem that everything, there is no further strength to put up with what is happening. But…. The darkest time of the day is before dawn.

Sometimes a delayed decision makes fate.

Fifth. Love and be loved … I think that explanations are superfluous here.