Self-esteem And Self-worth

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Raise self-esteem, improve. This expression occurs so often. What is self-esteem? What does it mean to raise? Have you asked yourself this question? Maybe yes. Everything seems to be clear here. Let's try to take a closer look.

So, self-esteem … Representation and attitude to oneself, feelings experienced in relation to oneself. Or evaluating yourself.

And if the assessment, then it can take place as in mathematics. That is, according to some parameters, everyone chooses it himself, but for sure there are several of them. Further, these are some invisible, but measurement scales, where there is zero, and there is some figure, conventionally taken as the maximum. Further, again, everyone must determine the assessment criteria himself, that is, answer the question: "why am I giving myself such an assessment?" Or with respect to what or who I give myself such an assessment. There must be something I compare to. And here is the first danger. Because most often, in this case, we can look at the outside world, at someone from the outside world and compare ourselves with him or others. Then the question is, is it really self-esteem in this case?

The second question is, who evaluates? Everything seems simple, it's me. But already in the very sentence “I am evaluating myself,” duality is felt, that is, the separation of some evaluating subpersonality from oneself. And again I have a question, is this evaluating subpersonality really yours? Try to take a closer look at her, maybe she looks like your mom or dad, or maybe a teacher at school, or your girlfriend (friend). What is this inner critic, evaluator? And are all these criteria really yours or someone else's, imposed on you? And you are trying in vain to meet other people's criteria, feel disappointment and a sense of guilt that you cannot improve your self-esteem in any way.

And if we consider intrinsic value? And consider not from the standpoint of a critic, but from the standpoint of a loving person. This value is inside me and for me, assimilated and does not require any scales, assessments, criteria, because it is for me, it does not require confirmation from others. If she is noticed (and will be noticed), she may be treated differently. Someone will be attracted, warm up, thank, someone will be curious and leave, someone will be hurt and attacked, testing their strength. But in any case, if it is already a learned value, it will change little. Like a diamond, you can scratch it as much as you like, but the marks do not remain on the diamond. Its value may be more or less, it may change over time, and I think this is a normal process.

I am not talking about narcissistic narcissism, where a false perception of one's “I” is formed, as a belief in one's own special uniqueness and superiority. How to tell? Such personalities require all the time from others to confirm their superiority and recognition of their talents and successes. And when they do not hear such confirmation, they begin to humiliate others, attack, trying to show their inconsistency, and due to this they rise. And inside there are narcissistic swings, from elevation to self-abasement.

What can be valuable to oneself?

Most likely, these are some qualities, traits and personality traits recognized by oneself and valuable to oneself. And this, as it seems to me, is the most difficult moment. Because we can consider and assign to ourselves one or another of our qualities, first of all, through communication with other people who can give feedback, express our opinion. The basis is formed in childhood ideas about oneself through communication with parents, relatives, peers. It's good when they were imbued with love, warmth, friendship, acceptance and respect. But, unfortunately, this is not always the case or not fully. Therefore, it is so difficult to form your own vision of the true "I" already in adulthood. But, nevertheless, it is other people who can help us. As much as it hurts sometimes.

You experience different feelings, giving a person feedback, showing those advantages and his best sides, which he himself sometimes either does not see or does not recognize. You feel joy when you see how the face becomes enlightened, a smile appears on the face, the body straightens. You feel regret that sometimes a person has never heard these words (or maybe he listened, but did not hear). You experience bitterness when your words are not trusted, return to their despair and criticism. And the hope that the result will still be, drop by drop the personality is filled with respect for oneself, love returns.

It seems to me that it is precisely the self-recognized, appropriated self-value that is the core of the personality together with meanings and values. The core, which allows you to hold on and survive, despite the difficulties, which allows you to develop and move forward.

As a result, I will quote Virginia Satir: “A person, whose self-worth is high, creates an atmosphere of humanity, responsibility, compassion and love around him. Such a person feels important and needed, he feels that the world has become better from the fact that he exists in it. He trusts himself, he is able to ask for help from others in difficult times, but he is sure that he is always able to make independent decisions and take deliberate actions. Only by feeling his own high value, a person is able to see, accept and respect the high value of other people. A person with high self-worth inspires trust and hope. He does not use rules that contradict his feelings. At the same time, he does not follow the lead of his experiences. He is able to make a choice."