(NOT) EFFECTIVE PARENT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Ineffective parent

1. Fears. Cannot cope with the fear of the possible loss of the child. Holds children accountable for their own fears. Broadcasts to the child: "You must not do anything dangerous and that can make me fear for your life." Invests in an illusion: something can be done to stop being afraid for our children, instead of being able to reduce risks and withstand them emotionally.

2. Wine. Overwhelmed with parental guilt. Often unable to distinguish between the child's mistake and his own. For a child's poorly written test, a child will receive more negative feedback from an ever-guilty parent than from a parent who can handle mistakes. The child of an eternally guilty parent is also eternally and excessively guilty, therefore, with low self-esteem, excessively diligent and tense.

3. Anxiety. He can hardly withstand uncertainty, and the accompanying anxiety will try to get rid of it with all his might, inducing, infecting everyone around him. Including their own children. Lives in a regime of catastrophic expectations. He does not believe in himself. Doesn't believe in his ability to cope with life, which he projects onto children. Therefore, everything is trying to foresee, plan, think over. But this does not really help to cope with anxiety, because often life still gets out of any plans. Therefore, even the threat of disrupting a planned event often falls emotionally on the shoulders of their children. All the time he focuses on the child's problems, on what he cannot and cannot, and constantly reminds him of this with the message “correct”, be different, otherwise … Therefore, their children do not know at all about their abilities and talents.

4. Anger. Afraid of his own feelings, especially anger. Holds him back, experiences intense guilt when anger breaks out. Selects passive - aggressive, indirect or manipulative forms for the manifestation of their aggressive feelings.

Effective parent:

1. Fears. Able to deal with his own fear. He gives the child a message: the world is different. It is both safe and dangerous. There is something in it that is difficult to understand right away: whether it is dangerous or not, you need to be able to understand this. Obviously, you need to either avoid or do something to protect yourself as much as possible. It's more important to be included rather than avoidant. To be able to listen to yourself and to what is around, then it is easier and more correct to react.

Message: dangerous - let's make it as safe as possible, but we'll do it if it's important. Difficult - let's overcome it, I'll be there, difficult - yes, it's a challenge, let's accept it and answer it. Then, going through this, the child learns to face the world, and not to avoid it. He will feel strong, attentive, capable.

2. Wine. Able to make himself in his own decisions, both successful and unsuccessful. Able to respond not in the best way, but optimally based on what is possible at the moment, it is important in the environment where the child grows up, is most suitable and possible in this situation.

Teaches children to be calm about mistakes, to take responsibility for them, which helps them not to try to direct it to another because of the fear of punishment. Teaches children to perceive a mistake as a consequence of a decision made that can be discussed. Understands that the child's task is not easy to feel bad and guilty (don't do that anymore!), But to see what kind of decision he made and what it led to. And also teaches the child to deal with the damage that was caused by his mistake. Shares childhood mistakes, natural for a living person, and his parental role. Realizes that he is a good parent if his children are wrong. This means that they are doing something.

He knows that the experience gained is worth mistakes, so he does not focus on avoiding mistakes, but teaches children to reflect, try, respond and gain experience.

3. Anxiety. Broadcasts to the child: let's plan, but if something goes wrong, you have yours: ingenuity, dexterity, intelligence, sociability, strength, etc. He teaches the child to rely on himself, on his abilities and talents, which helps not to get lost even in an unusual situation, but to act, allows children to go through a difficult situation. That helps children to conclude: "I can do it."

Faith in himself and his child helps him to survive the unpredictability of the future. He teaches the child to recognize himself, to see his strengths, resources, capabilities, ability to cope.

4. Anger. Expresses aggression directly, verbally and appropriately. Knows his "painful" points and warns his loved ones about what can cause angry reactions. He is also able to withstand aggressive feelings directed at himself, including children.

Thus, an effective parent is one who is more capable of knowing himself, accepting and expanding, instead of hiding, cutting back, correcting, eliminating, and fighting. etc….

(you understand that this is not a call or a requirement for the parent, these are just guidelines).