Our Childhood Needs And Adult Challenges

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are five basic needs, the satisfaction of which affects how harmoniously and holistically a person will develop.

1. Secure attachment. (stability, security, love, unconditional love and acceptance) We are loved for who we are. Not for something, not for grades, not for sitting with a younger brother or sister. We are not compared to other children.

Secure attachment is a kind of foundation for healthy personality development.

We have a built-in attachment program, it is very important for a child to feel that he is loved, that he is cared for. This program is in us, and it waits until it is activated, when the child begins to see the very emotional return from the parents.

When a baby is born, it has two key categories of needs: Physiological and emotional needs

The question is, how does the child articulate their needs? He cries or laughs, urging us to communicate, to meet his needs.

The cycle is as follows: 1. Physiological or emotional need –2. the child is crying or smiling (a way of communication) - 3. parents see and satisfy this need as it should, then the child feels safe. He has a feeling that the world is stable, secure, that my requests are being answered.

Parents walk in such a circle for the first year of a child's life a huge number of times, which forms useful beliefs within him that I am loved, I am accepted, they hear me, my needs are satisfied, people are kind, you can rely on them.

If a child is born in a dysfunctional family, and does not receive due attention, emotional response, satisfaction of his needs, then destructive deep beliefs are formed. I am bad, I am not worthy of love, attention, the world is dangerous, the world is unstable, people are bad, and so on.

2. Autonomy, competence, finding yourself. This is the child's need for learning. For example, when a child himself tries to put on tights for the first time. It is important that the parents do not interfere, have patience, wait until he succeeds. Then the child understands that I have coped, I could. Consequently, useful beliefs are created: I am talented, I didn’t know how, but I learned, I can learn this, I’m great. Otherwise, the scheme of incompetence turns on, I am not capable of anything, I am a loser, a loser, etc.

3. Realistic boundaries and self-control. Setting certain boundaries with love. It is important for children to know what is good and what is bad. Do's and Don'ts. Otherwise, they will not learn self-control, which is very important in adulthood.

Example: If a child has painted a wallpaper, it is important to softly explain that it is impossible to draw this way, that it is possible to draw in an album, it is important to say this in a warm, positive tone.

Satisfying the need for realistic boundaries and self-control gives a person the opportunity to bring the matter to the end, to make a choice of what is important to me and what is not, develops self-control.

Otherwise, procrastination develops (constant postponement.)

4. Freedom of expression of emotions. It is very important that the child can feel an emotional connection with other people, with their parents. Had the ability to express emotions to the fullest. Otherwise, the conviction develops not to talk about your needs, since they are not important, because I am not important. If the child was criticized, shouted or beaten for expressing emotions, for example: Why are you crying, well shut up quickly, I'll arrange for you at home, then in an older age, such people, in principle, find it difficult to show emotions. The deep conviction of these people is that my needs are not important.

5. Spontaneity and play. The basic need, which is responsible for the ability to enjoy life, spontaneously includes a part of the child in us.

Unfortunately, due to the workload, a huge number of problems, tasks, sometimes adults lose their “inner child”. Where does our inner child turn on, under what conditions?

For example, when we play beach volleyball in the water, or we sled with our children or friends, we play with animals. If the child was forbidden or did not give the opportunity to play in childhood, for example, under the pretext of looking after a younger brother. This leads to perfectionism, when a person does not enjoy the work done, he is constantly overly picky about himself, overly self-critical, does not feel the fullness of life.

In general, even very good parents who take care of a child cannot ideally meet all of the child's needs one hundred percent. But, unfortunately, if a child lived in a dysfunctional family, and his needs are not met, this forms negative beliefs about himself, about the world around him and leads to very specific problems already in adult life. Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy is successful in correcting and solving problems of this kind.