2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Eat what they give
I remember myself when I was 4-5 years old. I’m sitting at the dinner table and until nausea I don’t want to eat milk with nasty froths, or boiled slimy onions, or a strange soup that smells of something incomprehensible, and an always busy mother or a kindergarten teacher, who has 15 more fidgets under supervision, say: “Eat what they give! There will be no other. There is no time for your whims!"
Do you, dear readers, remember how it happened with you?
For me and my companions in misfortune, events unfolded according to three possible scenarios. The first is to swallow hated food, suppressing disgust in yourself, turning off all your feelings. The second is not to eat anything at all or to search for something not so disgusting in taste and smell in the plate, the result is that hunger is not satisfied. The third is to throw a tantrum and get, in the end, edible food or punishment in the form of a dark room, a corner and an empty stomach.
With any development of events, there is no satisfaction, let alone pleasure, from the very meal. In all three cases, there is violence, negative experiences and experiences that the need to satisfy is extremely difficult or impossible.
The experience gained carries over into adulthood
Similar situations occur in everyone in childhood repeatedly. And they're not just food related. Children also have other needs: attention, love, support, communication, safety, respect, contact with others - the satisfaction of which can also be accompanied by great difficulties and unpleasant experiences.
The experience gained forms a picture of the world and life scenarios, which are safely transferred into adulthood.
How do the scenarios in adulthood, described at the beginning of the article, develop
First - swallow hated food, suppressing disgust, turning off all your feelings. When a person does this many times, over the course of many years, the ability to feel the danger / safety of what is included in his life, the ability to understand his desires is eventually turned off. A person ceases to be aware of his own needs, focuses on the desires and needs of others.
This scenario leads to the fact that the person is regularly a victim of circumstances. Unfavorable working conditions, dependent or codependent relationships, uncomfortable interaction with someone, achieving other people's goals (parents, spouse, children, guru), etc. Depression, depression, apathy, low self-esteem, dependence on people around, insecurity, guilt and shame become companions of such a scenario.
Second - do not eat anything at all or strenuously search for something not so disgusting in taste and smell in the plate, the result is that hunger is not satisfied. The second scenario transferred to life leads to a constant feeling of "hunger" - dissatisfaction from oneself and from life, no matter how much a person receives. His inner expectations from what is happening usually do not coincide with reality: "I expected that he would be attentive and caring with me, but he is always busy at work and forgets to buy the fresh cakes that I love so much." Or: "I thought that at work I would be treated with due respect, given my education, and they send me for coffee."
The leading belief in this scenario is: "What comes from the world is indigestible." As compensation, starting from childhood, a person fantasizes a lot about an ideal life. Reality is replaced by illusions, which leads to frustration when interacting with the outside world. As a result, there is a constant background of resentment and irritation, endless claims to others and to oneself, difficulty in performing actions and achieving goals. Such a person is characterized by excessive control, criticism, distrust of the world.
The third - throw a tantrum and get, in the end, edible food or punishment in the form of a dark room, a corner and an empty stomach. In the development of the third scenario, the main beliefs are: “All life is a struggle. You have to fight for everything. You need to knock out yours by force. Compared to the first two, this scenario has a plus - a person takes an active position in life and takes steps towards what he wants. But since actions are based on the belief that the world is hostile, the interaction takes place with the help of aggression.
As a result, the life of such a person is filled with tension, conflict and destruction. Often there are situations when the result is disproportionately less than the effort expended - the impression remains that the effort was wasted. The constant tension present at every moment of life leads to loss of strength and rapid aging. A person with such a scenario is characterized by aggressiveness, anger, conflict, impatience, inability to hear another, despotism and imperiousness are possible in relationships.
Which scenario will prevail depends on the innate temperament of the child, on what kind of adults surrounded him, and what methods of upbringing they used.
The past cannot be changed, the present can be changed
In all three scenarios, there are some external circumstances that are an obstacle to getting what you want, and the main character is in a dependent position. In other words, the child's situation continues to be played, where there is a “hungry” child and a parental figure whose function is to satisfy the child's needs, but for one reason or another she cannot do this.
Each person reaps the benefits of what was laid down in childhood. Character, ways of interacting with the world and with oneself, life scenarios - all this begins and develops in the early years of life. No one can change their own past, much less change the behavior of adults in relation to themselves in childhood.
But everyone has the opportunity to change their life scenario as a result of actions in the present. To do this, you need to become your own wise and caring adult who will create the conditions to learn to be aware of your needs, to separate your own from others and be able to satisfy them.
Best wishes, Svetlana Podnebesnaya
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