2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Unhappy parents' hang
around the neck of their children with a heavy load
Unhappy in the dictionary is defined as deprived of happiness, joy.
An unhappy person is, in principle, unpleasant in contact. Feelings are known to be contagious. And after spending some time in contact with such a person, you notice how you yourself begin to be saturated with negativity. One wants to run away from such a person and henceforth not meet with him.
An unhappy loved one is already serious. You can't just run away from a loved one. You have to be with him for a long time, involuntarily plunging into his chronic toxic state. In extreme cases, you can divorce or divorce a loved one.
An unhappy loved one is a tragedy. We have the most difficult situation when it comes to parents. You cannot leave your parents, it is impossible to divorce them. Parents are forever!
The influence of unhappy parents on a child is inevitable.
Unhappy parents:
- Surrounds the child with guilt;
- They form negative attitudes towards life in him;
- They lay in him a negative experience of attitudes towards life;
- They broadcast a ban on happiness to the child.
In this case, the child constantly lives with a feeling of total chronic guilt and an exorbitant duty to his parents. Such a child will inevitably have difficulties in separation. He continues to look "back" into the past and is closed to the experience of contact with the world. In constellations, these children usually face their parents and their backs to the future. Their life energy is directed towards the past.
The situation of the child's development described above is chronic and over time "grows" into his personality structure, becomes a character trait. As a rule, nothing changes after the death of the parents. Parents, as you know, do not die. The ban on happiness they broadcast lives in an already grown child in the form of an inner parent who does not allow him to be happy. The inner unhappy parent is "built in" into the child's contact with the world, distorting it.
In the mind of such a child, the parent's voice sounds like a constant refrain: "You are not good enough!"
It is in this way the position of the parent himself, who does not accept himself, is broadcast. In my opinion, the ability to experience happiness and joy is based on acceptance of oneself, one's true identity. This is precisely what the unfortunate parents lack. The super task here is to learn to notice and appreciate what is in yourself, and not to remake and improve yourself!
The inability to experience happiness can be transformed into a desire to make Others happy. "You do not have the right to be happy when someone is bad …". This is the position of a rescuer - a person who wastes his life in fruitless attempts to make others happy.
Unhappy parents sacrifice their life to their children - their unlived life! Such a parental “gift” cannot be accepted without the idea of the need for a reciprocal sacrifice commensurate with the price of the gift. The child's life becomes such a commensurate reciprocal gift.
The ban on happiness can manifest itself, in addition to the aforementioned lifeguard syndrome, in the following symptoms:
- The presence of a large number of obligations (I must, I need);
- Difficulty in highlighting desires (I want);
- A high level of self-control, manifested in self-violence;
- The prevalence of a bad mood;
- Dissatisfaction with yourself, your appearance, body and a constant desire to change something in yourself;
- Difficulty relaxing;
- Selectivity in the perception of reality, the predominance of the pessimistic attitude: "the glass is half empty";
- Fixation on the negative, if it is impossible to hold on to positive experiences - difficulties in noticing and appropriating positive experiences;
- Difficulty experiencing the joy of life.
The psychotherapeutic work in the described case goes in the direction of identifying the inner parent with the function of forbidding happiness.
It is important to learn to begin with recognizing and distinguishing the voices of the parents in yourself. This is the first step towards getting out of the parental merger.
The next step is to establish contact with the inner unhappy parent in the form of internal dialogues. This will allow you to get out of the inner merging with him and thus stop the negative unconscious program. The result of this work is the ability to establish direct contact with life without an intermediary.
The biggest gift that parents can give their child is to be happy themselves.
Happy parents for a child are:
- Permission, blessing for happiness;
- An example of how to be happy;
- Providing the opportunity to choose your happiness;
- Allowing you to live your life and be happy without feeling guilty.
Psychotherapy is a good opportunity for parents to realize and work out their life attitudes in fixing on the negative and, as a result, to change the generic scenario in passing on the "relay of unhappiness" to their children.
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