2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The most common problem for women is the problem of relationships with men. Very often women complain about their "problem" men, that they do not care about them, that they do not pay enough attention, they sit on their necks, they can be aggressive and disrespectful …
At the same time, many women are ready to completely give themselves and their lives to a man (sometimes not the most worthy one). They step over their feelings, betray themselves, doing what they really don't want to do. They don't feel happy in a relationship. Why do women feel like they always choose the “wrong” ones? This is far from an accident, not a "villainous fate", it is THEIR conscious, or rather an unconscious choice!
One of the internal criteria that determine the choice of a partner is the parental scenario - the chosen one is similar either to the parent, or to the image that was inspired by the parents as an ideal spouse, or, conversely, in case of negative relationships in the family, a certain image of the parent is deliberately avoided. Often, it is the scenario behavior that makes you choose your partners. The scenarios determine the selection criteria, motivation for marriage, motives for marriage, behavior during the premarital period and in marriage, attitude towards a spouse, duration of marriage, number of marriages, etc. - in general, the entire personal life of a person.
The first relationships that arise in the family are decisive. Our choices in life - loved ones, friends, bosses, and even enemies - are derivatives of our childhood connections. And in adulthood, the scenes of our childhood are played out, although this is not always realized. The life of a teenager, boy or girl, adult, friendship and marriage is a reproduction of unfinished plots of what began in early childhood.
The contact style of communication with people around, including with the opposite sex, is also formed in childhood. Through the prism of the attitude of parents and other significant adults towards us in childhood, our image of "I", attitude towards ourselves and self-esteem are formed, with which we go into an independent life, and on which the type of relationship depends.
Unfortunately, a fairly large number of Russian (and not only) women have not formed internal reserves of a good attitude towards themselves. Self-esteem, self-love are formed through the accumulation of facts of recognition of their merits, results, merits.
Why women are unhappy in relationships
And those who do not love themselves are unlikely to be able to love others: such women (and men too!) Often build deliberately hopeless relationships, preferring “problem” partners to normal ones: this gives the desired feeling of oneself: “I exist and see myself only through others” … A person with an unsatisfactory sense of self strives to complete his “self-image”: “I am good,” “I am a beloved,” through the attitude and assessment of oneself by other people, who now have to “finish” what their parents did not do in their time. But this assessment, this good attitude towards oneself, in the opinion of these people cannot be obtained just like that, they MUST BE DESERVED, as once in childhood, when it was necessary to prove to parents: “I am good, you can love me”. Therefore, a “problem” partner appears in our living space. “Problematic” can be “saved”, regretted, “improved”, changed, thereby fully feeling your importance, need, necessity - such desired feelings of an unloved and unrecognized child. Here we go to the origins of the concepts of "conditional" and "unconditional" love, which were introduced by the famous psychologist Erich Fromm: Unconditional love is totally accepting, involved, unvalued. Usually that kind of love is the love of a mother. Conditional love depends on evaluation, it must be earned, it is akin to respect as recognition of merit. Often it is paternal love.
Parents certainly love their children (we are not considering extreme, pathological cases), but they show their love in different ways, in exactly the same way, and exactly as much as they received in their childhood. Everything they do is always with the best intentions, but not always the methods of parenting and examples, subsequently lead to good results.
If in childhood we received a sufficient amount of "unconditional" love - inside us the "reservoir" of love, respect and acceptance is full, we do not experience a deficit of love, we fully and completely accept ourselves with all the advantages and disadvantages, we have formed personal boundaries, we love and respect ourselves … Accordingly, we treat our partner as well - we respect him, are ready to accept him as he is, take care of him disinterestedly while maintaining our freedom and individuality.
If, in childhood, there was a deficit of love, rules and conditions were often established under which (or only under which) it was possible to earn praise, affection, attention and love of parents (tell a rhyme, bring good grades, or just “be an obedient girl”) - we reproduce these habitual patterns of behavior in relationships with a partner, also trying to earn praise, affection, attention, often abandoning our own desires, from ourselves, merging with a partner, not accepting ourselves entirely - we cannot accept a partner and now we have him we save, we regret, we carry on ourselves - we carelessly, expecting gratitude, recognition of our dedication and merits, and … we do not wait! Why? Because nobody asks us about it! This is our need! Our choice!
And no one likes to feel “flawed”, so the “problematic” partner begins to recoup his helplessness with negative behavior. And now, already for our "love", "devotion" and "care" - we receive reproaches, scandals, claims, and even in the face … in sincere bewilderment "For what" ???
Analyze your past and current relationships and answer the questions (just honestly):
Have you ever complained about a lack of attention, care, love?
Have you ever felt that you are giving more than your partner?
Have you been cheated on?
Have you had to give up your desire to please your man?
Have you ever been in a relationship where you:
- convince yourself from month to month that your man needs very little time to improve his life and get on his feet;
- tell yourself that no one really loved your man and that you will be the only person who, loving, will change him;
- you feel that no one understands your man and that only you know what he is - "you do not know him as I do";
- apologize to your friends and family for the fact that your man is not attentive enough to you or for his unworthy behavior;
- you feel that you cannot leave this man, because this can strengthen him in a sense of his uselessness, and then he will never change;
- You convince yourself that even if your man does not pay you with warmth and cordiality for your care, you still need to continue to maintain a relationship with him, and someday he will appreciate your efforts and love for him, and everything will be fine.
- often defended your partner or apologized for his behavior to others and made excuses for him.
If you answered at least three questions "YES" - there is an unconscious feeling inside you that you are not worthy of love, which means that you attract men into your life who confirm your attitude towards yourself. THEREFORE, it is important to REVEAL and reformulate your internal attitudes and "curses" of family scenarios that prevent you from building harmonious, healthy relationships with men, relationships that give joy and satisfaction, which can only be built on the basis of genuine mutual respect.
If you have a feeling that something in your life is going wrong, not the way you want, not the way it should go, if there is a desire and need to change your life, significantly improve the quality of your personal life, you need to work out the following aspects of your life, work through the following issues:
Self-esteem.
Unfinished business of my childhood, or work with a parental family.
Working with feelings.
Personality boundaries.
Dealing with past trauma.
Circles of intimacy.
Personal growth.
Healthy interdependence instead of codependency.
They do not fall into "problem" relationships, do not step on and do not get stuck - they are created in co-authorship with another person. This is a process, which means that there is a choice: to participate in it or not. To be able to make an informed choice, you need to learn to recognize the rake of these “problem” relationships, and for this you need to have a FULL IMAGE ABOUT YOURSELF, ABOUT THOSE UNCONSCIOUS MOTIVES THAT MAY MOVE BY US.
Recommended:
Why Do Women Hate Women?
The most terrible, most disgusting product of the patriarchal system is internal misogyny. Hatred of women towards women. There is no female solidarity. We demand punishment for those who have stumbled, we blame the victims, we cripple the psyche of our daughters "
Why Men Are No Longer Men And Women Are Women. Psychoanalytic View
In the modern world, we are seeing changes in both male and female functions. Men have become more feminine, infantile and passive. They stopped taking responsibility for themselves and their families. For women, being successful and socially active becomes more important, and family and children are relegated to the background .
Why Do Women Get Divorced After Women's Trainings? Part 2
Are you an intelligent, educated, young, purposeful beauty who has achieved a lot in this life? But personal life is somehow not happy? Do men either sit on your head, or scatter as soon as you start talking? Have you already attended many trainings and master classes to change something in your personal life?
About Women's Condemnation, Women's Fear Of Women, Women's Trauma And Its Healing
The topic of this text has long been in the air for me, in client sessions, in what I observe in society, in some of my personal matters, and that's when I saw the video “Be a Lady. They said”and its great resonance, I decided to write my thoughts on the topic of women's condemnation, women's fear of women, women's trauma and its healing.
Why Some Women Don't Have Relationships With Men
Building relationships is always not easy, but this question is especially acute when it comes to age, or rather, about relationships that are created taking into account past experience. There is a certain type of women who, according to them, strive to create a new family, but for some reason they do not succeed over and over again.
