We All Need Attention. Psychological Stroking

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I would like to express my gratitude for the inspiration and idea of the article to Alla Dalit and the International Institute for Developmental Transactional Analysis MIR-TA.

I think you've watched cats come up to a warm human hand and start demanding to be petted. And when you start stroking them, they purr gratefully in response and you feel warm and comfortable from mutual tenderness. Do cats only need stroking? And is it only physical? And if not physical, then which ones?

We all need stroking in one way or another. Stroking means acceptance, recognition, care and love. It can be conditional, for example, for the work done, or it can be unconditional, just for what you are. Stroking can be expressed both physically and verbally. And sometimes a smile or a look may be enough.

Claude Steiner, one of the founders of transactional analysis, created the theory of stroking economics from research. He said that “stroking is as necessary to preserve life as the satisfaction of other primary biological needs - food, drink and shelter. As well as the named needs, the need for stroking, being unsatisfied, leads to the death of the individual."

It turns out that we are aware of it or not, but we all need stroking, regardless of age or type of activity. We write posts on social networks, dress up in beautiful clothes, spoil homemade delicious dishes, participate in various competitions to get confirmation that the world is not indifferent to us.

Sometimes we do it differently: we provoke with our eccentricity, as if we say: "Look! I'm not like everyone else! I will not do anything for the sake of society, I" don't care "about your opinion!"

And we cause a lot of gossip with our behavior, and we ourselves do not notice how we bathe in this compote of positive or even negative strokes.

Yes, it's true: negative reactions of people are also stroking, even if against the grain, the way is unpleasant, and sometimes even painful. In spite of everything, all these responses tell us that we exist, we are not ignored, they recognize our existence.

In fact, our whole life is about seeking strokes, even if we deny it.

It begins from the very time when we are small and defenseless lying in the crib and watching how these strange creatures react to us, who come up to us and take us in their arms. Some make us feel calm, others make us want to scream or hide.

At that age, we didn't even understand the words. But they very well felt the mood with which they approached us, caught the changes in voice and facial expressions. No matter how stern the faces bending over us, no matter how hard and rough the touches were, we still understood that we were. And on the basis of what kind of facial expressions and mood they approached us, we drew conclusions about ourselves.

The most terrible thing for us is the feeling that we are not. No matter what we do, no matter how we shout or smile, we are ignored. A sense of hopelessness arises, which becomes our gloomy companion for the rest of our lives.

A person needs stroking no less than food. If we do not receive any reactions to our actions, then, like a flower that is not watered, we begin to wither.

If we're lucky, and our parents were generous with praise and hugs, and our basic need was met, then as an adult, we will not scour for strokes like a street cat looking for food.

It will be difficult to manipulate us and we will not succumb to the manipulation “do what you don’t like and you will get candy”. We are, in principle, full and have a pleasant feeling of slight hunger that can lift us off the couch and send us to a good restaurant, where we will taste dishes specially prepared for us. And we can refuse a dish if we did not like it, without the risk of being mortally hungry.

In the event that we were not so lucky, and in childhood we were not given stroking simply by the right of our existence, we get used to conquering them by any means.

We experience eternal hunger, which cannot be satisfied in any way, no matter what we do. Because this unmet need remains forever. And all our lives we have been looking for an object that could fill this void: be it a boss, a partner or a casual passer-by. But no one and nothing will fill this barrel, because there is an unfilled emptiness inside us. We are always dissatisfied and unhappy. And it would seem that here we are also talking about the search for strokes, but there is a big difference between a healthy need and addiction.

A healthy need is expressed in the fact that, having received stroking, for example, in the form of a prize for good work, we experience natural pleasure, and with a smile we go to continue our business. But without receiving, we do not die, because we know that this is not the only source of stroking. Even if no one is around at the moment, we can praise ourselves and remain satisfied with the work done. We have knowledge of where the treasure chests are, and at any time we can get there without harming our health.

Addiction can be expressed in such a way that without receiving approval from the outside, we ourselves devalue our work. As a result, we lose heart and we are not able to continue what we started. Or we start to be so zealous to get this praise that we lose our health, family and, in the end, ourselves.

It may be different: having received an award, we begin, as it were, to work out it additionally, believing that it is undeserved.

A person who forbids himself to accept and receive stroking does not know how to build relationships based on emotional closeness, which is why he often feels lonely and unnecessary, which can lead to deep depression.

Claude Steiner identifies five main prohibitions that prevent us from receiving and giving stroking:

1. 

   Do not give strokes when you want to share them with someone.

2. Don't ask for strokes when you need them.
3. Do not accept stroking when you want to.
4. Don't give up stroking when you don't need or like it.
5. Don't give yourself stroking. "Modesty is the best virtue."

Let's take a look at examples.

1. Do not give strokes when you want to share them with someone

This is often part of the mentality. For example, in Russia it is not customary to smile at strangers; I don't know where it came from; perhaps out of distrust or fear of appearing stupid. One way or another, we usually do not smile at passers-by. And a smile is also stroking. Living in Germany, I felt this difference. But here another unpleasant surprise awaited me. I was acutely aware of the lack of compliments. At first I even thought it was me. And only after a couple of months I learned that in Germany this is not only not accepted, but also fraught with consequences. The man made an innocent compliment - and he was accused of harassment. Here you will definitely think a thousand times before saying something pleasant.

In fact, giving stroking also gives us pleasure. So don't stop yourself when you want to say something nice to someone. If you liked the dress on your friend - tell her about it. Heard a good lecture - thank the lecturer. Smiled at you on the street - smile back. And you will understand how, from your own sincerity, it becomes warm and cozy inside.

2. Don't ask for strokes when you need them

Immediately an association - don't believe, don't be afraid, don't ask.

Remember the words of parents and caregivers: "Do not brag! What will people think?"

There may be several more within this belief. For example, if you ask for stroking, then it will lose its power; that people have to guess for themselves what to do and in what quantity.

Or asking for stroking is simply embarrassing: this is a manifestation of weakness and a sign of low self-esteem.

Once, on one of my trips, I walked very quickly, in my thoughts, and when I am in my thoughts, I must say, I look stern. I casually glanced at one nice guy, and he shouted to me: "Madam, you can only smile, nothing else is needed!" Of course, I smiled, he smiled back, and we went each in our own direction. But the pleasant sensation remained for a long time.

3. Don't accept stroking whenever you want

Remember how in childhood we were taught to be modest and to belittle our dignity, so as not to seem like an upstart. God forbid they begin to envy. Who needs it?

It would seem that we would like to be appreciated our efforts, but any, even positive feedback, causes discontent or even offense. One friend of mine once shared that when she went in for sports, switched to proper nutrition and spent a lot of energy to lose weight, her friends began to compliment her. And it terribly upset her. “This means that they used to think I was fat,” she said.

Or another example: you made a new hairstyle, and in response to how it suits you, you answer: “No, nothing special, I just washed my head.” And this depreciation is literally in everything: from appearance to scientific achievements. It simply does not allow a person to receive stroking. It is impossible - that's all.

At some point, people will stop saying and noticing anything. And such a person will only confirm his assumption that no one needs him, and no matter how hard he tries, no one will notice him anyway. And this, as I said above, is a direct path to depression.

4. Don't give up stroking when you don't need or like it

Here is the other extreme. I can directly hear the words of my parents - "eat what they give."

I remember when I was a child, when I was two or three years old, I had huge cheeks and a good friend of my parents loved to pinch me very much. He came to our house and the first thing he said to me was: "Come on, I'll pinch the cheek." I frowned, but I went and turned my cheek. I didn't like it, it even hurt. But I really liked this uncle and did not want to offend him. I thought that if I didn’t allow myself to be pinched, he would be offended and would no longer love me, and then he would not pay attention to me at all.

And how often and in adulthood we do the same. We pretend that we like something because we are afraid of offending or angering, or that they will stop loving and noticing us altogether.

How to do it differently?

Remember the funny Youtube video about the greedy girl? There the girl was taught to share toys, but she did not want to. Dad said: "Masha is good," thereby hinting that good girls share. But the girl defended her position, saying: "I am zha-de-na", demonstrating with all her looks: "I may be a greedy person, but I play with my toys myself, for me it is now more important than being a good girl."

I would very much like to teach myself a little one so not to accept stroking, but

some do not like..

5. Don't give yourself stroking

"Modesty is the best virtue"

Not being able to give yourself strokes is like going into the desert without water supplies only with the hope of finding an oasis on the way. But it may so happen that the oasis will not be for a long time and then there is a great chance to die of thirst.

If a person does not know how to give strokes to himself, he will with special fanaticism look for them on the side, with other people, and he will always have little.

We were taught to be humble and not acknowledge our merits. “So what, why did you do it? I could have done better,” sounds in my head. And I seem to have worked on a project for a long time or wrote an article, but I got even more upset because it seems that it was not enough that I could have been better.

Modesty in our mentality sounds like "do not acknowledge your merits", while in fact, modesty is an adequate assessment of yourself. I, for example, will not be able to build houses; naturally, I will not say that I am an expert in this. But I will be able to create comfort in it, and for this I will praise myself and I will enjoy my creation.

I know how difficult it can be to get rid of prohibitions and stereotypes. When I re-read this article myself, I see how many “yes, but” can arise. Yes, but suddenly I ask for a stroke, and they tell me that I did not deserve it. Yes, but suddenly I will give myself a stroke, and then I will relax and I will not be able to do anything. Yes, but suddenly I will make a compliment, and they will laugh at me, or they will think that I am pestering. Yes, suddenly I will not accept stroking, and they will be offended at me or think that I am inadequate.

I am familiar with each of these fears and agree that it is a risk. And, perhaps, the answer is yes and yes. Yes, this is a risk and yes, you can continue to be afraid and still do it.

If you listen to yourself and your intuition, you will be able to distinguish those who say something nasty from those who will gladly accept your compliment and smile at you with the warmest smile.

And if you make a mistake and get a negative reaction, you can not take it to yourself and say inside "forgive my friend, but this belongs to you and I will not take it for myself."

You will find that you are not dependent on such strokes, because you will know that you will receive them when you walk in.

Perhaps psychotherapy, and in particular transactional analysis, is concerned with showing people how to learn how to give and receive strokes. The life-giving source is always in the public domain, and in order to get drunk, you do not need to be manipulated, role-playing and fighting. And sometimes in order to believe and accept it, it will take more than one month of psychotherapy. But when you find out. that the source is always with you, life will bloom like fertile soil after rain.