2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sting sang at our wedding, and despite my almost native English, the full meaning of what I heard only reached me a year later.
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every step you take
I'll be watching you
Oh can't you see
You belong to me"
(translated by the author: Your every breath, your every movement, your every step - I will follow you. Don't you understand that you belong to me?)
In relationships with psychopaths, I was several times in different statuses - wife, friend, client, business partner and co-author in a creative project. I must say right away that in most cases at the beginning of a relationship I did not even suspect about these "features". Only twice did the acquaintance begin with the words “hello, I'm a psychopath”, and even then it happened in a professional environment. The experiences and consequences of communication were different.
The man, whose diagnosis I did not know, made me feel in my own skin all the "delights" of life with a psychopath - from dysphoria to psychopathic rage. I fled from him, saving my life and mind. The story ended with stalking and receiving a restraining order. Sting's song turned out to be prophetic. Putting a wedding ring on my finger, this man discreetly threw a stranglehold around my neck, which he periodically tightened, checking how strong our union was. He considered me, my every step, sigh, and even thoughts as his own, and was genuinely perplexed when I suddenly discovered my own opinion and desire to fight for the right to my life. I survived - that's the main thing.
Another husband immediately spoke honestly about the "difficulties of translation" and sincerely tried to control himself. He is a wonderful person, a highly qualified specialist, and until now he has never let me down in word or deed. Yes, through trial and error, I learned how to handle him correctly, and he learned how to create a comfortable and safe environment for me. As you can imagine, we are not talking about love, in the generally accepted sense of the word. However, we interacted quite successfully, divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with his diagnosis, and are still friends.
I had the experience of a successful business and an equally successful creative tandem. And no, I don't choose psychopaths on purpose. We talked a lot about this with my psychologist friend (yes, a psychopathic psychologist). We agreed that they are attracted to me by a highly developed empathy, and me - by their professional uniqueness and the habit of calling things by their proper names.
Psychopaths are first of all people, and like all people they are different. Not everyone becomes murderers, not everyone takes pleasure in other people's pain and suffering, not everyone puts on a monster costume and prowls the dark alleys in search of a victim. Most in the morning put on business suits and go to prestigious jobs - to the office, city administration, to the university, to the cozy office of a psychoanalyst.
They will communicate with clients and partners, smile, joke, slap a secretary in love in the ass, and translate an elderly lady across the street. Upon meeting you will be charmed by their professionalism, erudition and sense of humor. And it will never occur to you that you are facing a person with a personality disorder, deprived of a basic set of feelings, by definition without conscience or other brakes invented by society, which means that he is successful, ruthless, and does not disdain anything in order to achieve his goal. It is not for nothing that the authorities call psychopaths “snakes in suits”.
Psychopaths are great at mimicking "right" feelings. Their compensatory abilities are amazing. Socially adapted psychopaths can be great friends as well as great husbands. By the way, some of the serial killers, pouring out their aggression "on the side", in the family circle also looked tender and loving. These people are great mimics. They easily change masks depending on the situation. The ability to think logically and the lack of clouding emotions allow people with ASD to offer others the image that guarantees the desired outcome. This is not a cunning plan to take over the world. This is a vital necessity. Without such skills and abilities, they simply cannot survive in a society where any manifestation of “dissimilarity” is punished.
I will not write here either about the features of mental development, or about the physiology of psychopaths. Volumes of academic literature have been written about this. In open access, a lot of studies have been posted that analyze the organic features of the structure of the brain of psychopaths (lumbar system), which largely determine their further behavior and the corresponding restrictions in the emotional sphere. I only beg you, if you are really interested, read real research, and not burp "guru from psychology", which has nothing to do with the truth and is designed solely for the high rating of the #psychopath tag.
Strictly speaking, psychopathy is not a disease. This is a violation of the integrity of the personality (a kind of mental disability) - most often congenital and directly related to a violation of higher nervous activity. The classification of types of psychopathies is very extensive. The list and interpretation are constantly changing and supplemented. Gannushkin is becoming a thing of the past, giving way to modern research - for example, Haer, on whose work I like to rely.
Depending on the type of psychopathy, the behavior of a person also differs. The image of a psychopath-monster, replicated in thrillers, is rather collective. The asthenic psychopath, for example, suffers from anxiety, timidity, insecurity, and increased sensitivity. These people are prone to reflection and dwelling on some idea.
Excitable (explosive) psychopaths are constantly in a state of tension and irritation. They experience bouts of rage, dysphoria, excessive selfishness and stubbornness. These people are rude and aggressive. This behavior is not typical of a highly functioning socially adapted psychopath. They are closer to the characteristics of true psychopathy. These people are wonderful actors looking for recognition and demonstration of their own uniqueness and exclusivity. They are prone to lies and ostentatious bravado. Their speeches are full of solemnity - they either assure you of eternal friendship, but declare you sworn enemies. However, such an emotional swing is characteristic of an immature psyche and is a sign of a violation of logical thinking.
There are also paranoid psychopaths (paranoid psychopathy) - extremely conflicted, intractable, suspicious and prone to over-ideas. But schizoid psychopaths, although emotionally limited, are vulnerable and sensitive. True, outwardly they give the impression of being cold and detached - a kind of cinematic image of a misunderstood vampire burdened with age-old wisdom. Such personalities are not very successful in society, since they are rather unceremonious towards others, not hiding contempt and some ostentatious cruelty. Although for many exalted young ladies, this aspect becomes especially attractive.
The point of my overwhelming opus is that you shouldn't demonize psychopaths, and you certainly shouldn't lump everything together with sociopaths, narcissists and other personality disorders, despite the common spectrum (B). Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty evoke different feelings in us, although they are stylized images of disorders of a similar nature. So a psychopath is not necessarily a monster. Just like the word "person" is not a guarantee of kindness and prudence.
There are many relatively healthy people in the world who have properties inherent in psychopaths - deceit, tendency to manipulation and cruelty. And if you are faced with such manifestations, do not waste time on diagnostics. It's not the label that matters, but your feelings and your safety. Evaluate the situation from the standpoint of your own well-being, do not enter into dubious relationships, increase your own self-esteem, and do not rush to save someone who does not need it. Believe me, you can live your whole life next to a psychopath without noticing this sad circumstance. Stay safe!
Disclaimer:
- the author does not promote relationships with psychopaths
- the author does not condone crimes committed by persons with any diagnosis, including psychopathy
- the author does not call for anything and does not dissuade from anything, but only shares his own knowledge and experience in an attempt to shed light on the problem of demonizing people with personality disorders
- here and in further articles on this topic, the author mainly speaks about diagnosed high-functioning psychopaths according to Haer's classification
- the author recommends to scoop up information about this issue in books of academic value, and not in numerous popularizing articles on the Internet (including this one)
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