2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
“HEAVY IDENTITY”: VOICES FROM THE PAST
A huge number of people are suffering
from unrequited love for yourself
Karl Meninger
Parents give wings to one child, another - weights
(from text)
I often hear from my clients various options for devaluing themselves. I call them "I am not …"
I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm weak, I can't do anything, I'm not capable of anything, I'm no good …
These are examples of a negative image of I. And this image determines the attitude of a person to himself, to the world, to others, influences all his thoughts and actions, shaping his destiny. A person becomes a hostage of a negative identity. He is entangled like a spider web in a heavy identity imposed by others. Why different, you ask?
Others are always behind our I
People are made of people. We are all woven from the opinions of other people. Other people "mold" an image of my I, which imperceptibly becomes my identity. Over time, the voices of others are not recognized as the voices of Others, they become the voices of my Self.
And significant, close people from our childhood are of decisive importance here. Children are psychologically naked. Children don't have a filter against grading. An adult can defend himself by being critical of the assessment of another. He can answer - real or mentally. He can be selective about external evaluations: This suits me, but this does not! The child cannot do this. The child perceives everything as the truth.
Hear the voice of the Other
In working with a negative “heavy” identity, I offer my clients the following author's technique, which I call “A Voice from My Past”.
1. First, I suggest making negative statements about yourself: “I am not beautiful … I am not capable of anything! I'm stupid! I can't do it. I can’t do anything….”. Each person has their own “favorite” set of self-depreciation.
2. Let's reformulate them into You-statements:
You are not beautiful … You are not capable of anything! You're stupid! You can't do it. You can't do anything …
3. Let's try to find the author (s) of these You-statements. As a rule, the circle of these people is quite predictable - parents, grandparents, aunts, educators …
They have their own image of my I, a picture of me and I must / must match and support it. I can't hear myself here, I don't trust myself. It is important to understand that this is not my real self! This is an opinion. Opinion of Others. They loaded me with it, attributed it to me, frightened me! This is their opinion, this is their fear, this is their experience! This is a heavy identity imposed by someone.
I'm not here. Nobody hears me here, they don't care what I feel, they know it better for me! All these mothers, fathers, grandmothers and other teachers of life.
4. And now let's try to answer this not-I.
“I don’t want to listen to you!”, “I’m not interested!”, “Shut up!”, “Leave me alone!”
Here it is important to somehow relate to what is attributed to me. You can send, explain, ignore, joke … Any I-Thou dialogue is important.
When you do this, you come out of the merger. You return the imposed negative identity to the author.
Conduct a revision of your identity, your self-image.
It is important to free your negative imposed identity from this heavy knowledge.
It is important to pull yourself out of this childhood experience. From the situation where you were weak, dependent, and they were big and strong. Pull out into an adult, real position.
What can you get from such exercises? You can find yourself, your I! And further strengthen the voice of your I, hear and listen to it.
I found a loved one
I will give an example of this exercise with one of my clients. I wrote down the statements verbatim. (Agreed with the client)
- I was looking for this person outside, but I found in myself …
- I am the person with whom I would like to live …
- I found the person with whom I would like to live my life..
- I went on a date with myself … treated myself …
- I communicate with myself and I feel good, I communicate with a loved one …
- I got a sense of value, joy that I am …
- I said that I will not give up anymore, I will not betray myself …
- I'm starting to bloom!
We are all hostages of the experience of our relationships with the people who matter to us. And here, as anyone is lucky. Parents give wings to one child, weights to another. It is important to remember that negative inheritance in the form of a heavy identity is not a verdict. You can and should do something about it.
And psychotherapy is a good option for correcting and rewriting your negative identity.
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