You Compromise - Do What Others Want

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

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You make compromises - you live someone else's life

Compromise is inferiority and self-deception, and self-deception out of fear. Fears can be different, and their origins are almost always the same, as are the consequences of compromises: a person does not live his life, never knowing who he is and what he really wanted.

When a husband or wife celebrating a golden wedding is asked how they managed to live so many years together, they usually answer that, they say, patience and work will grind everything and compromises are the basis of peace in the family. Bullshit.

And some men also think that they have deceived the whole world by finding a compromise: even if the wife is bitchy, but she is neat and cooks deliciously, and if anything, he also has a gorgeous mistress. A compromise option. And they do not understand that happiness is when the wife is beloved and you want to go home.

And some women think that this is nothing, that the husband does not work, but he behaves well, quietly, does everything that is asked. And they do not understand that he behaves this way out of fear under the name "if only he did not scream." And so on …

Five typical stories about harmful compromises

The first story is about ours, about girls, although everything is conditional, and in the center of any of the situations there can be a representative of either sex. They are all recognizable and they are all around us.

The wedding is on the way, and the bride does not really understand how she relates to the groom. And he begins to reason: I am already well over thirty, and I have never been married. This is the first thing. Secondly, I already had a boyfriend whom I loved very much, was worried, did not sleep at night, but he did not treat me seriously, did not even offer to move in, now he is married to a shabby washcloth. What the hell is that love? Thirdly, the mother is itching: "Look, you are pushing." And of course, of course! I am very afraid to be alone. Well, in the main, comrades, I understand that my future husband is a good man who will become both a good father and a reliable companion in life. But to be honest, I don't like him.

The second story is about work

The girl graduated with honors from the philological faculty of Moscow State University, and works as an assistant manager in a small company that sells compound feed. The logic is this: yes, my salary is small, and it’s a long way to get to the office, and certainly compound feed is not what I dreamed of preparing for the exams at the Romano-Germanic department. But now there is a crisis in the country! How many specialists are looking for work! And in general, where have you seen millionaire philologists? And at seven I am already at home and I can do what I want. Although the chef is sometimes annoying on weekends, in the middle of the working day I can read fiction and learn Italian under the table. It’s not a century to go to secretaries, maybe someday I’ll start sending my resume to various respectable vacancies.

Third story. About friends

A bachelor who has not acquired people who are close in spirit. It happened. As a result, he drinks drinks that make him sick in the company of people who are not interesting to him.

Anamnesis: I have a constant company of "boys" with whom I am not so much fun to spend time. And because instead of “hello” they start drinking, and I’m not on this business. And because, after getting drunk, they start talking about women and football, and it seems to me that I'm back in the pioneer camp. But what will I do if I stop seeing them? Sitting in front of the TV all alone? I imagine it too vividly, I shudder, and therefore, when they call and say "at eight, as usual …", I answer that I am already dressing.

The fourth story. About Roman holidays

Wife, children, work, all the way, money is not that chickens do not peck, but enough. And, nevertheless, the most important journey in life is somehow postponed. The dream remains crystal, the man does not feel completely happy, but he knows how to listen to the arguments of reason and is very proud of it. Like: yes, as long as I can remember, I dreamed of going to Rome and Venice. I thought, as soon as I earn money, I will immediately buy a ticket and go there! But instead, for 12 years now I have been going on vacation with my family - either to Egypt or to Turkey. Because Europe is, as it were, expensive, and it is not known whether you will rest there? And then all inclusive, eat and drink as much as you like, service, sea, and also excursions to various historical places. Egyptian pyramids - of course, not the Roman Colosseum, but, eptit, one of the seven wonders of the world. I took a picture in the background, posted it in Odnoklassniki and VK.

And the fifth story. About parents

When, at the age of 40-50, a person suddenly realizes that life has passed, but there is no happiness, he begins to look for the guilty, "rewinds back" and often discovers that the parents are to blame. For example: I wanted to be a firefighter until grade 5, then I didn't want anything, and from the age of 15 I dreamed of studying at Moscow State University. I also liked the Faculty of History, the Institute of Asian and African Countries. I was preparing and I think I could do it. But my father, in a tone that did not tolerate objections, said that there was no need to meddle with my abilities as a "slightly above average", that in the army they would quickly explain everything to me about history, but, for example, in MISIS the passing score is quite real, "let's look at the situation soberly - we hand over the documents there. " He studied through a stump-deck, later began to look for ways to make money, now I sell mixed feed and envy my secretary - she graduated from Moscow State University. And, as Karabas-Barabas said in a well-known anecdote: "I dreamed of not such a theater …"

What's wrong with them?

All these details are not immediately clarified, but when a person comes to a psychologist with prolonged depression, complaints of lack of energy, lack of fulfillment in the family and work, a crisis. And I must say that the described behavior patterns are characteristic not only of Russian citizens. (But, for example, in our country, teachers and kindergarten teachers are not at all those who adore children, but the wives of the military). But this, so to speak, is a common human problem, and it comes from childhood, of course.

And parents who did not support their children, did not take into account their desires, ignored their requests - they are really very guilty here. Most likely, they themselves worked at an unloved job and got married, maybe by accident, and at home they never hugged, much less kissed. The children absorbed all this depression, routine and general dissatisfaction with themselves and life.

“Don’t climb”, “don’t touch”, “what are the hook hands?”, “Oh, you are MY MOUNTAIN!” sheer disappointment "," do not go there "," all the more so do not go there "(you can continue indefinitely) and other characteristic expressions kill in the little man faith in his own strength, forever instill in him a feeling of anxiety and fear and the conviction that he has ANYTHING IT WILL NOT PERFECT - neither intelligence nor talents will be enough. Hence the conclusion: they say, you need to somehow adapt, make compromises with yourself and with everyone around you. In general, live not as you want, but as you can. And this is awful.

A child who hears from childhood: “You will eat what I have prepared,” “you will wear the T-shirt that your mother and I bought you,” “you will go to the camp that we have already chosen. We are paying for it! " - over time, he becomes convinced of his inferiority. (Assault is a separate topic. Now I will say that it is completely unacceptable). And having matured, in situations where it is necessary to make a choice, he makes compromise decisions: "Than nothing will work out at all, I guarantee myself at least a minimum of benefits" (a non-drinking man, an institute with a low passing score, a job with a small salary, etc.). he does not believe in himself or in the support of others. He has no idea what it is and where to get it all. And he is also afraid.

There is this type of clever way to make a "balanced" decision, when a sheet of paper is divided in half and the pluses are written out in one column, and the minuses of the choice in the other for one benefit or another. I am actively against this method. It is used by people with deep inner conflict. And, having made a choice, they do not get rid of this conflict. The vaunted list of pluses and minuses dangles inside them, provoking a neurosis, but they still doubt their decision.

I am not a supporter of such family building, when a psychologist examines the conflicts of a couple and, together with their spouses, is looking for opportunities for a compromise. I am sure that the husband will not lift the toilet lid for a long time in exchange for the fact that the wife does not smoke in the kitchen (and because the psychologist asked him). A couple has a chance only if the husband lifts the lid simply because his wife asked, and he loves her very much and does not want to upset. Not because life is about compromises.

What to do?

- When making decisions, be guided, first of all, by the criteria "I want-do not want" and, lastly, "so right," "so effective." Focus on your desires, intuition, inner feeling. No rationality.

- And most importantly, try on your own to do something that did not happen to you in childhood: love yourself. And this is very specific.

- Never tolerate from anyone that which is unpleasant to you. Train yourself to immediately talk about what you don't like. After all, any compromise forces you to do what you do not want and do not like. This means it makes you unhappy.

If that bride gives up the idea of marrying the unloved, treats herself and her feelings with respect and love, she will definitely meet the man of her dreams and be happy.

If the assistant manager believes her ability (and other baseline) to qualify for the dream job, she will get it. And not just one.

If a man once leaves the bar, the company that has long been sick of it, and begins to develop his personality, his individuality, do what he is interested in, go wherever he wants, then, of course, he will meet new friends, and even get married for love.

Well, and the head of a company selling compound feed, having fallen in love with himself, will understand that even at 50 it is not too late to go to study as a historian and be realized in the business to which the soul lies.

This is how it works. I would even say - this is the only way it works. People who do what they love feel the drive, they rush through life, they get pleasure from work and, as a result, earn much more than those who "pull the strap." Therefore, there are millionaire philologists and impoverished psychologists. But I, for example, make good money …

Compromise is when you do what you don’t want to do. And this is the whole tragedy. Because a person is happy in his personal life and effective at work only when he does what he loves.