Healing From A Toxic Childhood

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Healing from a toxic childhood. The words you need the most

How to Unstuck and Move Forward - Healing from a toxic childhood. I bet you're wondering what those two words are: Move on. Forgive them. Be kinder. Be careful. Try to understand. Distance yourself. Look ahead. This past. Stay strong.

No. This word is let go. Just one word - nine letters in total - is extremely important, because contrary to popular belief, which always tells us that everything is given through effort and perseverance. It's hard to leave and let go. The reasons for this are both complex and simple.

We're much more likely to stay put than to move on because we prefer the status quo - even if it's lousy and painful - to the unknown.

People are a priori not inclined to take risks

Psychologist Daniel Kahneman won the Nobel Prize to prove it. We are more motivated to get what we want from time to time than to get it all the time or never. This is especially true if you grew up lacking love, approval, and support. And an occasional snippet of any of the above - or even a momentary lull in continuous criticism - will have the same effect as a five-course meal.

In addition, we tend to look at the world through rose-colored glasses and see loss as a "close victory", which is what keeps people at the slot machines when the symbols are almost the same. Again, when - perhaps your mother is vaguely interested in what you are doing, or your brother is actually complimenting you - you are hopeful, confident that victory is near. “They will understand that they are mistaken in me”, “Mom will finally see what I am”, “Maybe the madness will end and my family will be normal”. Likewise, the habit of thinking - more pronounced in women than in men - forces us to focus on difficult and painful situations and interactions, past and present. And it inclines us to replay history and, trying to replay ourselves, rather than act and move forward.

What does it mean to let go

This is not to pretend that the past never happened, that you were not hurt, or that your parent or parents should not be held accountable. It means learning to distinguish between the ways of thinking that you need to let go of and the emotions that need to be thrown aside. The ones that keep you stuck and also develop ways of thinking and feeling that will help you move forward and heal.

When we say letting go, we mean the goal - liberation. It is not a one-step question, like the image that comes to your mind when you think of the words "let go." You can probably imagine a ribbon slithering out of your hand and a balloon rising into the air, or the moment your hand opens and what you are holding hits the ground. This is a process that includes the above.

What does liberation mean?

This is basically a four-step process that involves

• abandoning thought processes that have maintained the status quo (cognitive decoupling),
• managing emotions that accompany rejection or cessation (affective disconnection),
• abandoning this earlier goal (motivational disconnection),
• and putting plans into action for a new goal (behavioral release).

Each of these steps requires a slightly different skill set.

Cognitive disconnection requires you to stop thinking about why you did not achieve the goal you set. Take it easy and / or think about it, or run what-if scenarios in your head that can convince you that maybe you shouldn't give up after all.

Affective disconnection requires you to deal with all the emotions that arise when you cannot achieve what you set out to do, and this includes feeling guilty, beating, or self-blame.

Motivational disconnection requires you to stop thinking about that goal and start planning new goals, including where you want to be now and what you want to try.

Finally, behavioral release requires you to take action and start planning how you will change your future.

How does this relate to a toxic childhood?

Your childhood was one in which you felt unloved, invisible and insignificant. You have been subject to endless criticism and may have been the eternal scapegoat. You did everything you could to protect yourself, or maybe you calmed others down. If anything, you did what you could until you finally moved into your young adult life. It was at this moment that you began to make your choice in where to live, with whom to be friends, how to support yourself, partners and lovers. And also how to build relationships with your family of origin. Most unloved daughters, enjoying the fact that they are emerging from the direct influence of their mothers, do little to challenge the status quo and do their best to cope with the situation.

When their efforts to improve their lives begin to fail, it still hurts them to meet a parent or parents, or perhaps siblings. The inability to cope with emerging emotions does not go away. There is still an urge and challenge to set healthy boundaries. It comes to the understanding that they are "stuck", must leave and find a new way of communicating with their family.

Cognitive disconnection difficult because family culture emphasizes the importance of continuing the course. "She's your mother," "everyone has family difficulties," "You grew up to be a wonderful person, so it's not that bad." And so the unloved daughter is probably not trusting her own judgment. After years of being told that she was undersized and predictable. “Maybe she’s right and I’m too sensitive,” “she did her best, and it may be wrong to ask for more.”

Affective disconnection It’s hard not only because of past pain, which triggers all kinds of emotions, from anger to sadness, but also feelings of guilt, shame, and disloyalty even when the connection with your family changes. It is also the fear that they are right about you and that you are simply wrong at every level. Add to the fact that children who do not receive the attention they need in infancy and childhood still cannot regulate their emotions. And you will understand why this part of the liberation process is so difficult.

Motivational release it gets in the way of what I call the "core conflict" -the tension between your admission that you need to manage your relationship with your mother and family of origin and your constant need for your mother's love and support and hope that it can be won. The conflict is effectively keeping the daughter stuck in the status quo.

And as long as the main conflict continues, action is impossible. Therefore, the stage behavioral disconnection - setting new goals for your life and relationships will never happen.

Small steps to let go:

If you get stuck, these strategies will help you free yourself. Sure, working with a talented therapist is the best way to go, but there are things you can do on your own to help yourself.

Admit it isn't your fault

Self-blame, which is the default, makes you shut up and think that there are some flaws in you that you can fix and everything will be fine. Knowing that you are not at fault brings with it an admission that you cannot fix it on your own. Your parent or parents must cooperate.

Don't normalize abusive behavior

Children normalize behavior in their families of origin, and it is normal for them to continue to do so into adulthood. Don't make excuses or become addicted to verbal abuse; keep track of what is happening and react calmly and directly. You have the right to make rules about how you want to communicate, even with a parent or relative.

Set boundaries

You will need to carve out a mental space to figure out how to manage relationships. And do whatever you need to do - reduce or limit contact - if necessary.

Build your emotional skill set

Try to identify your emotions as accurately as possible - an important part of emotional intelligence - and see if you can trace the source of your feelings. Especially when you think about your relationship with your mother and other family members. For example, the work of discerning guilt from shame, as well as from negative feelings about oneself as worthy of abuse, and from an insensitivity to love.

Control your thoughts

Reflection and worry can completely consume you. Research on obsessive thoughts by Dr. Daniel Wegner shows that trying to suppress thoughts only makes them more persistent. Therefore, you need to try other methods. One of them is to set yourself a worry time. Another is to allow yourself to confront obsessive thoughts and think about the worst case, as if the fears came true and you had to deal with them.

Letting go is an art that is difficult to master, but it is possible to comprehend.