TOXIC MOTHER: IS SHE REALLY DEFINITELY? MANIPULATION AS A METHOD OF SURVIVAL

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Julia Lapina

Not all women are born with beauty and not always a ticket in the genetic lottery coincides with a winning combination of physical traits, worshiped at a particular time in a particular place. Born skinny in today's Mauritania - problems. Born with a size 40 foot in medieval China - problems. She was born today in Russia with a dense physique …

Beauty is a gift, and even escaping over the years, no matter how hard you try. Something uncontrollable and elusive, despite all the advances in plastic surgery and hormone therapy. It would be strange to bet on survival with such a dubious and rare tool. And power and security in most traditional societies belonged to men for thousands of years, what then can bind them to themselves and give them access to resources, if not beauty? What can help you compete with other women?

Manipulation.

I'll make a reservation right away, as any instrument - a knife, medicine, dental instruments (during the Inquisition, instruments for treating teeth and instruments of torture were essentially the same) - manipulation is just a tool and how to use it depends on the will of the manipulator. Manipulation. They not only do not depend on appearance, but over the years, in contrast to beauty, the skill of the manipulator only grows. And whoever got the beauty and still managed to manipulate - such went down in history and still excite the fantasies of screenwriters, like some Khyurrem (Roksolana), who had such an influence on the Sultan that she easily interfered in his political decisions. Whether she would need bloody manipulations if she could realize her political ambitions and talents directly, the question is open.

Beauty is the speed of seizing power, manipulation is the reliability of holding power.

The passion of a male ruler of any rank for a young beauty is short, and no matter how fervent the words of his love confessions, from the moment of sexual intimacy, time works against her. Hence, very careful decisions were prescribed when and with whom - preferably later, so that other communication mechanisms could sprout (Anna Boleyn tried very hard, but alas - important in manipulations, like with any poison, the required dosage - too much in any direction is fatal, for her it happened in the literal sense). And hence the great dislike-censure of affordable women on the part of exactly-all-planning women - for dumping in the market. As today, many European workers are for labor migrants who are ready to work for a bowl of rice instead of a solid salary and a social package. By the way, with the same rhetoric about "dirty" people.

The patriarchy system had a clear message: all men are a resource, all women are competitors: there are more men attached to you, fewer women nearby, especially smart, young and beautiful ones. Moreover, there are more men attached at any level - friendly, sexual, kindred. The most skillful ones combine all levels all in one. No wonder there are women who rejoice at their old age or inconspicuousness - the heaviest burden of daily women's competition and envy falls from their shoulders.

Today's security, albeit at a different level, still depends on men - first of all, this is a different status of a married woman, the status of social security, protection from explicit and implicit attacks of condemners. For example, the absence of an official husband when registering a pregnant woman in an antenatal clinic is still taken into account as a disadvantage factor when calculating the risk category.

Of course, there are also male manipulators such that hoo, but based on the above, women have been massively forced to train this skill for centuries. It is automatic - and this is the answer to a very frequent question "well, it can't be that my mother does this on purpose."This is not on purpose (most often), in the sense that a woman does not sit on the eve of a conversation with her husband / son / daughter and does not build a dialogue plan, this is her way of communication.

The skill of manipulation is also the skill of "burying" aggression-resentment, not manifesting it directly, as men are allowed in battles-battles-direct competition, but through such mechanisms, which, as they say, you cannot find fault with. This is when, after communicating with a toxic mother, an already grown-up daughter has nothing formally to say, but after a phrase like “oh, of course you can go on vacation with this guy, I already need to get used to being the only one who needs an old sick mother, that's understandable” - feelings not pleasant.

The most reliable basis for manipulation is guilt. Feelings of guilt are in no way equal to respect, and even more so to love. Are there people in your environment whom you deeply respect and are always ready to help them? Do you feel guilty towards them? Is guilt necessary for respect and help in a difficult situation? Are there those you love unconditionally without any guilt?

Wine is an effective whip method, but toxic to both sides. All these cliches "I raised you", "I gave up for you", "I endured this marriage for you" - the list is endless - generate guilt for the child with a 120% guarantee. This message does not always come in the form of words, the more complex the personality structure of the manipulator, the thinner the web of guilt is woven. And the thinner it is, the more difficult it is for the victim to see the problem outside himself. And even if we are not talking about deliberate manipulations in the style of diplomats' games, but about really assimilated social automatisms, this does not relieve the manipulator of responsibility. After all, we agree that reckless killing is a crime.

Guilt binds you the most. Because it is such an uncomfortable feeling that a person is ready to do anything to take it off. What do they say there? A guilty husband is the most useful thing in the household. As well as the guilty son. As well as the guilty daughter. The guilty son is under control. A guilty daughter is not a competitor.

In the absence of the experience of experiencing free love on the part of another or out of a deep existential fear of loneliness, a woman can cling to these mechanisms of "binding" known to her and many generations before her, even though there are no objective threats to her financial or other security - as they were in times, for example, of the sultanate, when it was important to become "valid" - the mother of the future sultan and to have maximum influence on her son. And no matter how the young wife laments "my God, how can you not see that your mother is simply manipulating, and not dying of a heart attack from the fact that we did not go to her" - the husband desperately runs to the car to save his mother from certain death, at the same time angry at his heartless wife, however, his mother warned him about the callousness of his daughter-in-law …

Often men really "cannot see these manipulations" - because only those skills that train them develop. It is possible to argue for a long time within the concept of "men from Mars, women from Venus" on the social, genetic, historical level, all this happens or all together a little, but the average temperature in the hospital hints that women cope with underwater emotional levels better. The only question is in what channel they direct these currents invisible at first glance.

It is important to note that the daughter, within the framework of activating the mechanisms of survival, is the same competitive figure as other women - even worse, the enemy is in the rear. She takes away the love of her husband - she is dearer to him by blood than his wife. At the same time, the sacred image of the mother cannot be touched even in fairy tales - and in fairy tales there is a separation. One plot in different ways - the young stepdaughter has grown up, and the stepmother does not find a place for herself out of rage, jealousy and envy. But she is a stepmother only because the image of a mother is inviolable. The stepmother is not such a frequent occurrence that she stubbornly roams about so many stories. To be angry with the mother, to compete with the mother is a direct threat to life, because the mother is the source of this life. The daughter has nothing to oppose to this attack - usually she has to collect everything in herself: illness, excess weight, frequent illnesses, depressive disorders …

The mother loves, regrets, cares, and the stepmother is jealous, jealous and hates. The mother gives birth to the light, and the stepmother lives from the light. And the most difficult thing is when it is the same person who performs various toxic actions with the words "for your own good, you have to go at night into the dark forest of fear."

In fairy tales, only marriage saves the stepdaughter (“I didn't marry for love, just to leave home as soon as possible” - part can be heard). But then in fairy tales, in reality, the toxic parent has his power through guilt and after the child leaves home and even after his death. Through, again, the manipulation of the feeling of guilt, which is firmly rooted in the victim's head.

It can take years of therapy to get out of the web of manipulation, but it's worth it.

- I tried so hard for you, cooked your favorite dumplings, but you don't eat! How can you do this to me.

- Yes, I understand that you are very upset. I'm really sorry, but I just ate and I'm not hungry right now.

- Well, how can you treat me like that?

“I'm really sorry.

“You never gave a damn about my feelings!

- I can see that you are angry now. I respect your right to any opinion about me and my behavior, even if it does not coincide with mine.

Someone needs several months of training to realize such a reference dialogue of calmness and boundaries. Someone years. The skill of reflection and inhibition is not easy. These neural connections don't grow quickly.

Mother-son has its own dynamics. Mother-daughter is a different competition. The awareness and power of maternal love is certainly stronger than the products of social evolution. The ability to reflect and be aware of the meanings of one's feelings and actions, to sacrifice one's emotional comfort for the sake of children's freedom is a difficult skill that requires painstaking work. But without its development, it is very likely that social automatisms can take control over behavior. Weeds always grow lighter than roses. Human freedom begins where there is the ability to get out of the causal relationship, where there is the skill of inhibition of impulses and awareness of one's behavior.

You cannot force this from the outside - you can understand how sometimes children of toxic parents want to “reach out and explain everything,” they think that they just need to find the right words, show their pain, and then the stepmother will turn into a mother. But the processes of change are born only from within. Or not born … The gospel metaphor "Behold, I stand at the door and knock" (Rev. 3:20) about the powerlessness of even God before human freedom of choice, whatever this choice may be.

Guilt is generally a very simplistic construction for explaining human actions. Rather, there are causal traps and wrong choice (s) at some point in time. But this doesn't make it any easier for anyone. The most important thing to be aware of for children of toxic parents is:

You are not to blame for your parents' difficult childhood / marriage / life.

It is not your fault that, having come to this world as a child, you had needs that do not coincide with the resources of your parents.

It is not your fault that your parents somehow failed to cope with their role and did not find the resources to help themselves - even if they lived in difficult times.

You are not responsible for the fact that you were shouted, beaten, humiliated, not accepted - you were just a child with no defense mechanisms.

You are not responsible for everything that happened to you as a child.

You are only responsible for deciding what to do with all this "inheritance" …