Move Away From Toxic People, Including Toxic Relatives

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The decision not to contact a family member is deeply personal

For some of us, the healing of a mother's wound is only possible through contact with the mother. In this scenario, healing creates a new, deeper connection between mother and daughter - and this is infinitely beautiful. I've seen it happen and it's truly inspiring.

But for some of us, it is impossible to be healed by staying in contact with the mother

Detachment from a family member is still considered taboo, especially when it comes to the mother. Sometimes a short distance and a short-term detachment are enough. In other cases, the suspension may be permanent. It takes incredible strength and courage to get through this.

What can lead to suspension?

There are many reasons why people make this decision. But it is rooted in the realization that your mother's dysfunctional behavior is costing you your emotional and mental balance, and you are simply unable to pay that price.

I believe that such a decision is not made out of frivolity or bravado. Most often, this comes after many years of trying in various ways to maintain this connection and transfer it to a higher level. At some point, the price gets too high and you have to make a decision.

This can be the hardest decision of your life. And at the same time, the most liberating

The family is a complex system. When someone stops playing their usual role in it, the system experiences a kind of depressurization or chaos. Conflict can lead to the transformation of the entire system and the transition to a higher level if family members are open and ready to grow and learn. Unfortunately, sometimes the willingness to grow and the attempt to bring about change is met with resistance from the family. In this case, the person who wants to grow has a choice: to remain in a toxic and dysfunctional environment, or to leave an unhealthy system. The choice to break contact is most often made when it is clear that healing in the family system is not possible.

The daughter often plays the role of a mediator, scapegoat, guardian of secrets, or guardian of emotions. If a daughter is on her way to growing up and wants to move beyond her typical family role (perhaps by becoming stronger, shaping boundaries, refusing to tolerate abuse, etc.), her decision inevitably leads to change. The degree of chaos as a result of this indicates how generally dysfunctional this family system is.

If family members are relatively healthy, stable, and open-minded, the family can come to balance without much chaos. However, if family members themselves are deeply traumatized and wounded, the daughter's development can be perceived as a serious threat to the family system. In this case, chaos can deeply destabilize the situation, and it is very difficult to deal with it. Support is very important here.

Unconscious attempts to maintain balance and resist change can lead to attacks on the daughter. A common and dangerous reaction is to "pathologize" the daughter. Then the cause of the conflict is seen in some pathology of the daughter.

The following message is being formed: “Your inability to continue playing in the family system in your assigned role indicates that there is something wrong with you. This humiliating message is essentially a refusal by a mother or other family member to honestly reflect on their own behavior and take responsibility. The daughter's level of mental stability, her sexual activity, her past mistakes, everything about her can be openly questioned, except for the role of the mother in the conflict.

It's amazing how vehemently people resist looking inward and what they are willing to go to in order to remain in denial, including even rejecting their own child. It is actually an unconscious attempt to resist change by projecting all conflict or “badness” onto the initiator of the transformation of the family system.

Ultimately, there is nothing personal here. It just happens when people who close their eyes to their inner state are faced with their repressed pain through a catalytic event. For example, such a catalyst can be a woman who is outgrowing the dominant family dynamics that has kept the family system in balance for generations.

We cannot save our mothers. We cannot save our families. We can only save ourselves

You don't need the understanding of your mother (or another family member) to be completely healed.

Knowing that your mother (or family) is simply unable or unwilling to understand you can break your heart. It doesn't matter how you explain it or how many times you try to get your message across, it all goes nowhere. You seem to speak different languages. They may unknowingly block understanding of you because it puts their deeply ingrained beliefs and values at risk.

Understanding can cause a seismic shift in the very foundations on which their worldview and identity are built. It hurts to realize, but it helps to create a special strength of mind. It becomes clear that you need to be content with your own understanding of yourself. Your own opinion about yourself becomes the main thing. You realize that you can be okay, even if others do not understand you.

Once you leave contact, your life can begin to improve in all directions. I have watched chronic diseases, neurotic fears, and lifelong patterns go away. In fact, sometimes it can even be difficult to accept how much more enjoyable your life has become. Each new level of success, intimacy, joy, and freedom reminds you that your family cannot share this with you. It is during these times that we may experience anxiety and grief. There is nothing to do but feel the grief that rolls in and allow yourself to move on.

Feeling sad doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. In fact, it is a sign of health and healing

Take root in a worldview that gave you the strength to escape toxic interactions. Otherwise, you may be pulled back through guilt or shame. It is very important to get support and give yourself time and space to work through all the emotions that come with this choice. Take root in why you made this choice and seize the opportunity to start a whole new stage in your life.

Suspension is a launching pad for gaining strength

Perhaps you will find something deeply important: you realize that you can survive even when your mother rejects you … Few people come to this realization. It can take you to a new level of inner freedom and determination, initiate a quantum leap in your life. It can fuel a commitment to truth and bring integrity that will affect all areas of your life. This will kindle the fire of truth in you, which has always been there, but only now can it burn in full force. You will feel your inner source.

Sadness, sadness and even more sorrow will lead you to … FREEDOM

Sadness can arise with every transition to a new, higher level that your mother (family) never entered. It can be a sadness that eats bones, an almost tribal and ancestral sadness of going forward without them. But it gets easier over time. I believe that the more lovingly we allow ourselves to grieve, the more miracles, beauty and joy there are in our lives.

There is something deeply sacred about grief that comes with this choice. It can open up the opportunity for us to deeply connect with our truth and embody it at the deepest level. You need to find a new meaning for this loss and use it to improve your life. This is the key to lasting healing.

Your integrity becomes a solid foundation for the rest of your life

“ You don't have to get poor to help poor people, or get sick in order for the sick to be healed. You can only influence from a position of strength, clarity, and centering.”Abraham

It is perfectly normal to walk away from toxic people, including toxic relatives

Healing birth trauma can be a lonely path. But in the new space you have created, spiritual connections will also appear. The need for attachment is the most powerful need in our human nature. To be face to face with rejection means to face your deepest pain, humanity, and to declare the value of your life. Our greatest fear is to be alone. But the loneliness that we fear is already present in the wounds of our kind. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, that over time there will be people who are mentally close to you who can see and appreciate the real you.

The estranged daughters are spiritual warriors

In a world in which women are expected to be silent, caring for the needs of others, in which the dark side of motherhood is not recognized, the experience of alienation can initiate a transition to a new level of awareness that few people can reach. The space is cleared so that you can shine in fullness. What will you do with the light shining in you?

Outcast daughters find each other, creating a new line of mothers; the combination of authenticity, authenticity and truth in each supports an increasing awareness in all. I have seen such camaraderie between women who have followed this path. There are more than many people can imagine. You are not alone!

You need to do what is right for you. Trust yourself

Detachment doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love your family. This does not mean that you are not grateful for all the beautiful things that they have given you. It simply means that you need space to live your own life the way you want it. Women who see no choice but to refuse contact with their dysfunctional mothers create a gap because that is the only way to have a strong message: “Mom, your life is your responsibility and my life is mine. I refuse to be a victim on the altar of your pain. I refuse to die in your war. Even if you are not able to understand me, I must go my own way. I have to choose life."

Healing your mother's trauma is a process of initiation into your full femininity

Patriarchal culture fosters dysfunctional relationships between mothers and daughters. In our culture, there is no ritual for natural adult separation from mother and initiation into one's own life. (There is no such ritual for men either.)

Healing maternal trauma is a necessary initiation processwhether you are in contact with your mother or not. I dream that someday maternal trauma will become a rarity, most women will be cleansed of patriarchal messages like "inferiority", and both mothers and daughters will feel the opportunity to open up and find their full strength and potential, connecting in the heart, but remaining free and separate individuals. The daughter's personality will no longer appear as a threat to the mother because she will have enough love and respect for herself and her daughter.

By healing the trauma of the mother, we are creating a new world for ourselves, for the women of the future and for the whole earth