Adequate Education. Cheat Sheet Number 1

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

You are raising a child. Are you a mom or dad (relatives - adoptive), grandfather or grandmother, aunt or uncle? If you are raising a child, then in any case, you are a significant adult for him, on whom the state of mind and physical health of the future mature personality directly depends. And it also depends on you whether it will be possible to call your “child” in the future “personality” in principle; what psychological characteristics will the "personality" have; and how the “personality” will cope with his adult reality

The information that will be offered below does NOT belong to the category "how to raise a personality, a leader from a child" or something like that, this is not about that! Rather, it will be about that healthy share of adequacy that is necessary in the process of raising a child literally every day, every minute. Adequacy equals responsibility! An appeal to the consciousness of parents can still be clothed with something like the following message: “Dear parents, it would be very useful to ALWAYS remember these simple but important points. Please listen, arm yourself with these recommendations, use. Take responsibility for your own emotional reactions and, as a result, for the psychological health of your children! " Most of the recommendations given are applicable to different ages of children.

Cheat sheet for parents # 1

1. NEVER respond to aggression to a child with aggression

2. About prohibitions. When you inform your child about the prohibition, watch the tone. He should be friendly and explanatory, not imperative. Eliminate phrases like “no, because I said so!”, “No, that's all!” From your vocabulary. Say: "It is impossible because …", explain the cause-and-effect relationship. And it is best to say, starting with the phrase: “I cannot afford to …”, for example - “you overheated in the sun, and then your head and skin ached”.

3. Rights and rules. Constraints, demands and boundaries in a child's life are necessary for their safety and to feel in a reliable, predictable environment. But these rules should not be more than the rights of the child, and it would be good to give the rules sufficient flexibility. There are always prohibitions that are not discussed, they relate to health and safety. But the child also needs a psychological space to train the ability to make a conscious choice, and questions that he can solve on his own. The child is a full-fledged family member and at least sometimes include him in the family council process about making a decision, for example about a purchase (if it is something available), respectfully listen to his opinion.

4. Consistency. All family members who are directly involved in raising the child must be aware of the content of the rules and restrictions for the child; consistency is necessary. The requirements that are presented to the child by relatives should not be contradictory.

5. Temptations and responsibility. Each age period has its own tasks and limitations. For example, a child under five years old cannot be neat - this is the age of "getting dirty" and exploring everything around him. And the baby who crawls or starts to walk pulls everything, turns it over, opens the lockers. These are the temptations that the child is not able to control due to his age, he develops in this way. To avoid unnecessary problems and conflicts, you should balance your own expectations with the capabilities of the child. Take responsibility for your environment. Move valuable and dangerous items out of the reach of children. But do not allow an obvious contradiction between parental requirements and the most important natural needs for a given age.

6. Fifteen minutes. Communicate with your child with pleasure, find time to play with him. No matter how busy you are, make it a compulsory rule to spend 15 minutes a day with your child. He should know that this time belongs entirely to him! It is necessary to spend it the way the child wants, these moments are NOT for training and education, but for the joy of pleasure and a feeling of closeness. 15 minutes a day is very little for a child's happiness and stability.

7. Communication with peers is an important area of the child's development, as well as study and circles. Time for play and friendship should be built into the schedule of responsibilities.

8. The child should have his own space (room or corner)! Adults need to respect these boundaries, not to intrude there without the permission of the owner (regardless of his age). Asking permission to enter.

9. More than one. No matter how many children you have, it is important to remember that each of them has a right to the individual attention of mom and dad. Don't tell your children that you "love them equally." They are close, but still different people, individuals, it is important for them to hear this from their parents. I really believe that you love them very much, but still as two separate people. The message of love for children should not sound comparatively, but simply differently, with differences.

10. Respect and clarity. If it so happened that you punished the child, then it would be good if this was the most extreme case. And here there are urgent recommendations: do not humiliate the dignity of the child by punishing him; he must clearly understand the reason for his punishment; the number of comments is minimal; do not punish in the presence of other people; choosing from two evils - it is better to restrict the child in something good than to make him feel bad.

11. Sincerity. Even if you are very angry or upset, do not deprive the child of contact with yourself, do not ignore him, do not boycott him! Such a reaction is traumatic and destructive for the child's psyche. This nightmare, the child does not deserve EVER, whatever he does! It is much more environmentally friendly to sincerely express your feelings about an action, for example: "Now I am very angry at what you did (and describe his erroneous action)!" And the flip side of the coin - sincerely admit your mistakes, do not be afraid to apologize. It is better to say in such cases NOT "excuse me", but "I am very sorry that I … (and describe my erroneous action)." A child does not need ideal parents, but adequate ones. Let your child criticize yourself. He, too, has every right to be angry.

12. I love you always. After any tense conflict situation or the usual expression of your dissatisfaction, be sure to convincingly tell your child several times that you love him no matter what. “I am angry, I am upset, I am saddened by your act, but I still love you. I love you even when I scold you. I love you, whatever you do. I need you.

Be sure to separate two concepts: a child and his act. Emphasize to the child that you were angry not with him, but with his action - "I was angry at what you did (and describe the action)." Try to exclude from the vocabulary - "I am angry with you", the child hears this as a direct accusation, an attack, he defends himself internally and does not perceive the essence of the rest of the message.

13. Here and now. If the conflict occurred immediately before you need to part with the child for a long time (during sleep, he goes to kindergarten, school, or you go to work), then in no case leave the situation in a "suspended" state, and the child with his experiences in private. End the conversation, clarify to the end, dot all points, let the child speak.

14. No guilt. If there is a discord between parents, quarrels, conflicts in the family, one of the members leaves the family, then the child's psyche perceives these events in a specific way. The child subconsciously blames himself for what is happening - "dad left because I was bad." Since this process is deep, the child is unlikely to voice what is happening in his soul. In any case, in the current situation, it is important for him to explain that he has nothing to do with it, personally he has nothing to do with it, these are the affairs of adults and he is in no way to blame here. This is a job that parents should do as often as possible against the background of a family conflict or family breakdown, just insert into different contexts and repeat as often as possible the phrases “you are not guilty of anything”, “we do not live together, but we love you very much, you will always be our beloved son, and we will be your mom and dad."

15. The straighter the better. Communicate with your child in direct messages, without indirect, double, veiled phrases and hints. Formulate your requests, appeals and explanations for the child very specifically and directly. In the child's perception, any question that does not imply a common answer is deciphered as aggression; a simple statement of an obvious fact without explanation is also perceived as aggression. And for any aggression, a protective mechanism turns on and, as a result, the child does not perceive information.

16. Self-assessment. A child's attitude to himself directly depends on what his parents and close significant people broadcast about him. Positive self-esteem is the foundation of psychological health. The behavior, achievements, successes of the child may not cause pride, but this is not a reason to deny the child love and support. Moreover, the family is the only place in which the child should receive support, even if "the whole world is against him." An atmosphere of acceptance and trust will provide an opportunity to open up to all his abilities over time.

17. Comparison. Comparing oneself to others is a normal part of a child's development in a social environment. The main message that a child should hear from parents when comparing himself to someone is: "You are not worse than someone, you are not better than someone, all people are different and you are special." And it would be useful to praise the child at this moment, to emphasize what is good in him and what is great. If you compare, then only with his own achievements, which were earlier. Give up forever the comparative characteristics of your child with other people.

18. Unconditional Acceptance. The child should know and not even doubt that his parents love him simply by the fact of his existence, and not for some good deeds or exemplary behavior. This is the unconditional acceptance of the child. Your love and acceptance is always present, like air, regardless of any of its actions. This: “If you don’t become obedient, I won’t love you” is a cruel and destructive manipulation of an unformed child's psyche, and by and large is a lie, if you think about it carefully. The real truth is that you experience a temporary negative emotion, and you still continue to love your child.

19. Praise. Praise - praise - praise the child, the praise will never be excessive. Do not miss a single opportunity to praise every little thing, but sincerely, without falsity. Justify your praise, always explain what you are praising for. Communicate your child's progress in front of other family members.

20. Feelings. Do not condemn or devalue the child's feelings, do not forbid him his feelings, even if they are openly aggressive. Any experience must find its way out so as not to become toxic to the psyche. If a child knows that he will be accepted by loved ones with his experiences, then he will not have to share somewhere where his experience can be misinterpreted and any unnecessary advise.

21. Hugs. Hug, kiss, touch, stroke your child at any age. Hug often, much, sincerely, with love. Hugs work wonders, sometimes one touch can replace a thousand words!

In subsequent articles from the Adequate Parenting series, expect Cheat Sheet # 2 - dedicated to adolescence and Cheat Sheet # 3 - for parents of toddlers.