Adequate Education. Cheat Sheet Number 2

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article, we will NOT be concerned with parenting. The information block proposed below is devoted only to some of the developmental features of adolescents, which are typical, but they do not lie on the surface of behavior. Rather, these are deep unconscious processes that are the reason for the not always explainable behavior of adolescents. It is important to keep these nuances in mind for all parents and understand how to deal with them, in order to help their beloved "children" (as well as themselves) calmly, adequately and in a friendly alliance to pass along the shaky bridge called "adolescence". A traditional appeal to parents, a call for adequacy: “Dear parents, a lot depends on you! Listen, take note! "

The adolescence period lasts from thirteen to eighteen years. In the life of every person, this stage can also be called a "growing up crisis." "Crisis" is not a scary definition at all. In translation from the Greek "crisis" is a decision, a turning point, the time of a transitional state. At the heart of any crisis lies the struggle between "I want" and "I can not." Teenagers really want to be adults, but they can't yet.

Cheat sheet for parents # 2

1. Understand. Remember. Keep in mind. The adolescent period has one of several major psychoemotional tasks. It consists in the fact that the growing up child INNERALLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY break up with his "ideal parents", BUT! - in order to build other, more mature, conscious relationships with them. Growing up is possible only by breaking away. And you, dear parents, should remember this important component of growing up your child, and take it into account, especially in those moments when it is especially difficult for you to cope, understand and accept your child - a teenager!

2. "Other" parents. A small child subconsciously perceives his parents as idealized. He grows, develops, gains experience, observes this world, participates in various events with his parents, analyzes their behavior and reactions, compares, draws his own "childish" conclusions. And, reaching the turn of adolescence, the child gradually understands that the surrounding reality is far from ideal and there are no ideal parents either. The maturation of such an understanding is a whole complex mental process that is prolonged for the entire adolescent period. The child begins to see his parents with different eyes. They are dear and necessary people for him, but these people can make mistakes, be unfair, they can also fail in life, they are not always liked by everyone, etc. For the teenager himself it is very difficult, a certain internal "breaking". Only the parents themselves, with their correct actions and understanding of the process, can help a teenager.

The following paragraphs will describe several of the most striking characteristic external manifestations that may be the result of a psychological separation from the "parental ideal".

3. Aggression. In the psycho-emotional background of a teenager, outbursts of aggression occur, which are often addressed specifically to the parents. It is almost impossible for a child to restrain and control these aggressive attacks, since they are an integral part of internal psychological changes and are labeled, rather, as natural. Against the background of violent hormonal and mental changes in adolescence, there are moments of a certain age regression (a kind of return to the language of childhood). A teenager can, with a feeling of resentment and anger, recall to his parents old childhood stories (very insignificant at first glance), make claims and blame. Naturally, this is extremely unpleasant for parents, and it is not entirely clear, they burst out, perceive such a message as aggression, disrespect for their child. At such moments it is useless to try to curb the young "rebel" and, moreover, to apply educational measures from the category - "You must respect and obey us, we wish you well!", Or - "How dare you! I didn’t sleep nights because of you…”. This is "not exactly the help" that a teenager needs now, because such aggression is not addressed directly to you personally, but rather to your "not ideal". What to do? Do not deny (even if you do not remember this moment at all)! But also do not make excuses! Just calmly agree. For example:

Teenager (with anger and resentment):

- When I was six years old, you forbade me to be friends with a boy-neighbor !!! And I was interested with him, and he defended me in the yard!

Mother, father):

- Yes, maybe I did it then and now it seems unfair to you.

This parental reaction simultaneously lays the ground for several beneficial consequences:

1) quickly neutralizes the temptation for the further development of verbal skirmish (and, as a result, the aggression goes out);

2) you do not make excuses, but indicate that you notice the feelings of the child and treat them with respect;

3) you broadcast the message - "I'm not an ideal parent, but I see you, I hear you, you are important to me!";

4) the child will hear you and he will NOT have a subconscious need to resist, because you DO NOT raise him, DO NOT shame, DO NOT scold, DO NOT reject.

4. "Caprice". It seems to be big already, but it happens too … Teenage capricious states are akin to anxiety - this is a continuation of the "conversation in the language of childhood" and the inability to sometimes cope with the seething powerful mental processes inside. Throwing objects, stamping feet, demonstrative abandonment of their simplest duties (with accompanying slamming of doors), denial of the obvious, groundless hysterical tears, doing "for evil" - this is how whims performed by a teenager look like (they happen in different interpretations). Parents! At such moments, it is useless to appeal to a teenager's conscience, give logical arguments or punish. One, two, three … We are waiting for the child to “let off steam” - we hug the “whim”, press it to us, stroke it. Only without irony and "s-s-kaniya"! In this context, it is also important to mention such a manifestation as unreasonable (all of a sudden, for no reason - for no reason!) Abdominal pain, which is often found in many adolescents. This is a psychosomatic component - the child reacts with his body to mental events. Bodily contact with the parent is also important here. Hug your growing child more often, he needs it no less than a toddler.

5. Responsibility. The great temptation for teenagers is not accepting responsibility. The child can and wants to resist the responsibility imposed by the parents, if it is presented exclusively under the slogan “Must and must!”. There is no doubt that parental authority, directiveness in some issues and the set of mandatory rules have not been canceled, it is necessary and useful in metered quantities for the educational process. But if parents take care of a better approach to the process of forming responsibility in their child, then the results will not be long in coming. You will notice how the teenager independently, with a sense of his own dignity, takes responsibility, even one that you have not delegated to him. Feeling respectful and attentive attitude of his parents towards himself, he himself will want to try. But for this you, as parents, need to take on your part of the responsibility in the relationship with the child.

This is a job that no one will do for you:

- in various situations, give the teenager the opportunity to feel like a full member of the family, whose opinion is taken into account;

- be patient and tolerant, contact in a calm and polite tone, negotiate, more often compromise;

- do not evaluate categorically and do not condemn;

- be careful and anxious about the moments in which your child has a need to talk "heart to heart", put off all your affairs and listen very carefully, sympathetically, without evaluating, looking into the eyes;

- be delicate and tolerant - never use a teenager's frankness against him (even if you are very angry) - this is a prohibited technique;

- Encourage the teenager's impulses for self-affirmation, create positive opportunities for self-realization. Demonstrate your respect for his personality;

- if a problem arises - do not read, do not moralize, but rather take a constructive position: "Let's think together how this can be corrected." By doing this, you will help the teenager learn to solve the problem, and not ignore;

- do not be afraid to present your child, share past experiences. Talk about your experiences, contact him for help and advice, indicate how important his support is to you;

- respect the personal space of the teenager: do not intrude unceremoniously, knock on the door if it is closed; ask for a diary politely and friendly (do not open it yourself, as it could have been the norm in grades 1-3);

- give the teenager the opportunity to decorate his room on his own. Let him choose the style of clothing, hairstyle. If necessary, help him with this or find someone to help him who will do it professionally;

- sincerely thank you for any help, praise - praise - praise for all the good things, but “don't juggle” - teenagers are very sensitive to lies.

Say more often: “I trust you”, and of course - trust;

- try to prevent restrictions and prohibitions from assuming a permanent "petrified" form that has not been transformed in any way over the years.

Review your tough, principled positions periodically, and some of them with your teenager. For example: “Do you think we can change the cleaning rule on Saturday and you take responsibility for cleaning your room as it gets dirty? I trust you!.

6. Falling in love. Two deep inner experiences - the desire to separate from parents and the sensitivity to attachment - compete fiercely in adolescent mental processes. The place in the soul, which was previously occupied by "ideal parents", is temporarily empty. But, often, the “holy place” does not remain empty for a long time and attachment to the adored object is built into it - the teenager falls in love. Tender feelings can arise both for one of the peers, and for an idealized unattainable image. It can be a celebrity or someone who meets in everyday life, but does not belong to the child's close social circle (doctor, neighbor, cafe employee, high school student, second cousin, older sister of a friend, etc.). In both cases, the adolescent ascribes many wonderful qualities to the adored object that, as a rule, he does not have in sight. In fact, it turns out "a person - a fantasy", on him the teenager projects his idealistic idea, with which he would like to interact in close relationships. For such a period of falling in love, the definition of "painfulness" is more appropriate than "true love". As a rule, the return to reality occurs in six months or a year. Be close to your teenager in his crush, listen with interest to his feelings (if you share), in no case devalue or laugh at his feelings. The teenager will experience the state of falling in love, will feel support from the parents, and then the prospect of creating an early marriage will be postponed to those times that are favorable for this. And a growing up person will go through a very useful experience that will be useful for future relationships: sweet love, vivid passion can legally live from beginning to end, while it is not at all necessary, relying on ardent feelings, to create a family every time!

What can be alarming for parents during the period of falling in love with their teenager?

Probably, this is the possibility of sexual relations, their consequences. Quite fair fears. The issue of the child's awareness is the task of the parents, and it would be very good if the child, on the threshold of the period of his active sexual development, would already be aware of the characteristics and consequences of sexual intimacy. Pre-adolescence (10-13 years old) is the most suitable for informing a child about sexual life, since psychological defenses in children are still very powerful and delicate information is assimilated calmly, with natural interest.

You can talk about sex, relying on special children's literature or in your own words, as well as add comments and explanations to the context of a film, an erotic scene that a child could accidentally see. The child should feel emotionality in your explanations and understand that this is natural. Do not hesitate, do not be shy and do not be intimidated by such moments. Otherwise, the child will consider your reaction to such information, he will also learn to be embarrassed next to you and will quench his thirst for interest in sexual relations in some other place where he may not be enlightened correctly. The child should learn about sex and its consequences from close people. In adolescents, psychological defenses are significantly weakened due to high hormonal levels, a large amount of energy and aggression, so they poorly perceive information.

Teenage sexual energy is discharged well in dancing. Excessive energy is useful to transform into physical activity and sports.

7. Peers. Teenagers have a great need to belong to a group

The desire to be in the process of contact does not leave even within the home walls - this is not a hindrance. The teenager seeks to communicate through endless telephone conversations, the Internet space, this is a kind of way to "leave home", move away from parental care. Your teenager will not disappear uncontrollably - where and give reasons for strong concern if you show interest in his social circle:

- speak respectfully about his friends, do not criticize;

- talk about the common interests of your child and his friends;

- let you bring your friends home, make sure that there is always food in the fridge for guests;

- always be friendly with friends, exclude educational impulses towards them (for this there are your parents).

Patience and wisdom and dear parents. Remember that your teen needs you, even if often their behavior indicates that they are not. It's not easy for you right now, but it is even more difficult for your child to cope internally with active changes. You are now psychologically much stronger, more stable and more aware of your teenager. Help your growing up child in this difficult period, and after a while you will look at each other with completely different eyes, with understanding, care, support and a sense of confidence.