The Origins Of Dependencies

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

There are many different kinds of destructive addictions: from alcohol, smoking, drugs (chemicals), compulsive repetitive actions … Socially disapproved. There are also completely acceptable, on the part of society, dependencies: on work (workaholism), food, buying things (filling inner spiritual "voids" with things and getting pleasure from this - shopaholism), on relationships, on recognition, attention and opinions of other people, even from travel …

Dependency is always a kind of excess on something or someone. This is something you cannot imagine yourself without, it is an urgent need for an object that gives "pleasure" and relaxes.

How does addiction arise in a person who pushes the hook of hanging on something, which then becomes an urgent need, without which it is impossible to live?

According to one theory, this may come from family relationships, or rather parent-child relationships.

For example, the mother endlessly criticizes the child's father, denying the male role in him … Then the child begins to deny the part in himself that is responsible for masculinity, decision-making, responsibility … He is in solidarity with his mother, but he loves his father all the same. And unknowingly protects him. The child joins the father, he is also a part of him.

Thus, in the child, a personal conflict that splits him can form. He loves mom and sympathizes with dad. And it is difficult and impossible to choose. Then the state inside becomes, as it were, "suspended", due to the impossibility of making a decision and making a choice. And living in "emptiness" is unbearable …

And from this point of the highest inner tension … an obsession with something less valuable can occur … That will no longer hurt so much and bring mental and mental pain.

Feelings shift from an animate object to something inanimate - to something that will always be with you … And something that you are supposedly able to control yourself.

Although, this is quite controversial and illusory - about the possibility of controlling oneself in such a state.

If we take, for example, the state of alcohol dependence (as the most popular), then those people who consume alcohol quite steadily and see it as a source of fun, joy and simply relieve excessive stress - they believe that they are able to stop drinking alcohol at any time, with time they notice that, on the contrary, no … They can no longer … Take and throw. That this is still a vice that squeezes and does not let go!

That's it - now you have become controllable, which means dependent on some powerful "figure", without which it is impossible to live and which dominates over you completely, over your mind and body.

Will weakens, excessive irritation appears, aggressive behavior becomes commonplace, and a stable depressive state settles in the soul … When you understand that an emotional "dead end" has arisen, it is almost impossible to get out of it yourself.

Dependent people deep in their souls are gripped in the "grip" of tension, suppressed experiences, unfulfilled hopes, destroyed aspirations … …

Just as a baby depends on a loved one, an adult, who will give him food and emotional warmth, and then he can calm down and relax, so an addicted person regresses into a childish state and waits for his "dose" of psychological relaxation and dubious pleasure …

Only a small child is still in the stage of unconsciousness, and an adult deliberately leaves for the "virtual" world, where he will feel disconnected from the complexities of adult real life. He seeks to "disconnect" himself from the intolerable feelings associated with responsibility, choice, overcoming his fears and personal characteristics …

Addiction is an obsessive need to satisfy one's desires, which bring pleasure and relaxation.

Pathological addiction, in general, is an escape from real problems and life difficulties. This is a short-term anesthesia from internal mental pain and incessant stress … And the addict teaches himself to return to this method again and again, because he has no desire to show his efforts for anything else. Either he cannot do otherwise, or does not know how …

In the family, addicts are often "idolized", because they become very convenient "scapegoats" for a sick and destructive family system. The whole load of unconscious problems is dumped on them, they are blamed for all the "troubles" …

Against this background, other family members often look quite decent to themselves, and their "torment" is attributed to the rank of salvation, which bears an aura of holiness. And often, in this way, they can only realize their immense thirst for power and total control over weaker family members and dependent … It is not for nothing that they are called codependents.

The addict depends on his “object of adoration”, and the codependent depends on him … Through him, he realizes himself and satisfies his inner needs. And it happens that such a state of the addict is even beneficial to him in some way …

An addict is extremely not free in making decisions, “entangled” in doubts and lack of confidence in himself and “tomorrow” … Often he has difficulties in building close relationships with other people. And if he begins to feel more confident, feels the taste of freedom in his choices, then the sphere of influence of the codependent on him will diminish … And he will be left alone. And this is already another complex life story for a codependent …

Addiction also grows in families where total control and authoritarianism reign. Where there is little room for freedom of expression and spontaneity, the boundaries of other family members are blurred, there is no concept of personal space and there is no respect for another, different opinion.

Excessive overprotection can also provoke an increase in addiction in a child. When a child is not given the opportunity to make mistakes, they over-control him, punish him for showing independence and “dissent”.

Then the child learns that everything is decided for him in this life and that someone else is always responsible … And therefore he is in no hurry to grow up and get out of the state of dependent behavior.

After all, he was taught to do this from childhood, suppressing the slightest glimpses of independence and uncontrolled freedom. That is, something without which it is impossible to grow up and take responsibility for your life …

One of the characteristics of addicts is that they cannot complete the business and relationship they have begun. Perhaps they lack vital energy, internal supports, motivation in the implementation of their plans, sincere support from loved ones, or simply their life scenario is not aimed at constructive completion and there was no message in the parent-child relationship for “luck and success”?

But the parents simply did not believe in the child's abilities, the realization of the child's personal potential and were able to convey this doubt and disbelief to their child … Or they deliberately suppressed the sprouts of independence and free choice in him.

There is such a childish game in the "blind cat" when a child is blindfolded and he is looking for …

So, an addict, in a similar state, often lives with "tied and frozen" feelings and is looking for an opportunity to free himself from the "fetters" that bind him … And he cannot unravel …

And in his eyes, in these “mirrors of the soul”, one can see the “dim light” of hopelessness, inner desolation and endless loneliness …