I Am You, Are You Me?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"In love, no one deceives us except ourselves." Strong phrase. Like no other, it very succinctly and accurately tells how much self-deception is present in love relationships.

When we talk about love, thousands of pictures associated with the object of love are launched in our head. The problem of not having relationships in life boils down to finding someone to love. We think that loving is easy, but finding a worthy person, attracting his attention and getting carried away is a rather difficult problem.

Merging with another person in love is a powerful aspiration in a person. It is the force that makes us hold on to a relationship not for the sake of a relationship, but against the prospect of being alone.

Merging can be achieved in different ways, but can all of these methods be called true love?

When we talk about love, we mean the closeness of two adults without emotional addiction. Proximity is not merging. Closeness is when “I” is I and “you” is YOU. Merging is the absence of inner boundaries for everyone. In psychology, this phenomenon is called symbiotic relationships.

What is it?

A symbiotic relationship is the desire of partners to establish a common emotional space, the desire to "merge", to feel and think in the same way. It is an emotional addiction and focus on the relationship with another person, even if in fact the relationship is more frustrating than pleasurable. This is when there is a constant desire to "please" the partner. The desire for symbiosis leads to the fact that partners lose their individuality. In their desire to please, they lose themselves and dissolve in each other.

The passive form of symbiotic relationship is submission, or masochism. For a masochist, loneliness is unbearable. He perceives his partner as a “breath of fresh air”. At the reception, you can often hear an absolutely illogical from the point of view of common sense explanation of why a person continues such a relationship: “I understand intellectually that this should not go on like this, but I love him (her) and want to keep the relationship.” A masochist cannot imagine his life without a partner, in his life scenario the partner is endowed with strength and power, much is forgiven him, since without him he cannot see his own existence. The masochist perceives himself as a part of his partner and, in order to remain it, he is ready to give up his own interests.

The active form of symbiotic unity is domination, or sadism. To avoid loneliness, the sadist subjugates his partner, makes him hostage to his will. This is a kind of energetic vampirism, when a psychological sadist gains strength, cultivates his own significance through the worship and dependence of another.

The sadist is no less dependent on his partner: they cannot live without each other, both have lost their individuality. Both merged and formed a single whole.

And even if outwardly such a relationship seems destructive, on the emotional plane, partners satisfy their explicit or hidden desires. They can complain about each other, complain about their fate, even go to see psychologists in order to break out of the vicious circle of burdensome relationships, but all in vain. On a subconscious level, they do not want to change anything and in the opinion of others they always try to find evidence of their innocence.

An example of such a symbiotic relationship would be the situation of two lovers.

For a woman who is in such a love dependence, the emotional component in this relationship is very important. Often it depends not only emotionally, but also sexually, materially. She is firmly attached to a man, elevating him to the pedestal of her life. She deliberately agrees to live in secondary roles and takes the position of a victim, thereby placing responsibility for what is happening in the hands of a man. She does not dare to put a condition in front of a man to make the final choice, since her secondary role is deliberately prescribed and will doom her to loneliness and suffering. She is guided by the fear that one day a man may disappear from her life, and she will have to learn to live anew, will have to take full responsibility for her life and solve difficult problems. The boundaries of their own "I" in such women are blurred. The volume of the inner voice becomes quieter and more unintelligible. From time to time, she may have a desire to stop her suffering and begin to defend her own opinion, but this happens less and less and in such a way that she herself is frightened by the consequences of such outbursts of emotions and the awakened “I”. And in order to return to the usual rut of life, she continues to meekly accept everything that her lover imposes on her.

In turn, a man gradually loses respect for his mistress and often violates the boundaries of acceptable behavior. In his actions, he is guided exclusively by his own desires and comfort.

"If you received a gift from a man on March 6, you are a mistress … If on March 7, you are a colleague … If on March 8, you are a beloved woman …"

And since a woman ceases to designate the boundaries of an acceptable attitude towards herself, a man does not particularly worry about a woman's feelings. Relationships develop according to his rules. Her fear is to be left alone, without a man, stronger than the fear of losing the boundaries of her own "I". His desire is to completely master the will of his partner, to become her god and dominate her desires.

Often, a partner, not only by his behavior, but also by words, convincingly proves to a woman that without him she is no one and they call her in any way, that without his patronage and "love" she will disappear in this complex world where all people are wolves. Violation of personal boundaries also occurs under the guise of reading phone messages, checking correspondence in social networks, the desire to impose their point of view on what is happening, etc.

This is the addiction trap.

Codependency is a need for another person and a characteristic of one's well-being through an attitude towards us. For example: "I cannot live without him", "I miss you", "I will die if he does not return."

The opposite of a symbiotic relationship is mature love.

“Love is not necessarily a relationship to a particular person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character, which sets a person's attitude to the world in general, and not just to one "object" of love. If a person loves only one person and is indifferent to the rest of his neighbors, his love is not love, but a symbiotic union."

E. Fromm

This union is subject to the preservation of their own individuality. Love is a creative feeling that simultaneously separates a person and unites him with loved ones.

"There is a paradox in love: two beings become one and remain two at the same time."

A great delusion and mistake is the desire to give another person his life for safekeeping. It may be that in relation to her they will not only act irresponsibly, but they will easily walk on her in dirty shoes and leave huge traces of resentment, disappointment and betrayal inside.

To prevent this from happening, it is important to always remember about your personal space and its boundaries

What does it mean?

We always know well what we should not allow in relation to another person, but we often forget about the limits of what is acceptable in relation to us.

The manifestation of the personal boundaries of one's "I" begins with little things.

Ask yourself questions.

Can you solve life tasks on your own?

If not, does the person who helps you solve problems have the right to interfere in your life and dictate their will?

Do you expect your partner to do what you want them to do?

Are you able to directly tell your partner about your principles and vision of the situation without fear of harming the relationship?

Does your partner adhere to the agreements they have entered into?

Do you follow them?

Are you doing someone else's request to the detriment of your interests?

Can you remain silent in a situation where you face injustice towards yourself?

Do you think you need to please other people in order not to ruin the relationship?

Do you yourself feel that others influence your mood and set the emotional background for the rest of the day?

Are you often interrupted and not given the opportunity to finish your thought?

It would seem that these are simple questions, but the answers to them will clarify a lot in your daily life. At first glance, these are trifles, but they are what life consists of. The boundaries of our "I" are formed from many little things.

Setting boundaries is recognizing the differences between yourself and others. In fact, it is time, space, opportunities, desires and needs, both ours and that of another person. This is a recognition that everyone can have their own point of view on the same situation, that everyone has the right to behave one way or another, this is a refusal to be part of other people's plans and expectations if they do not correspond to our ideas about life, and a refusal thinking that others are obligated to live up to our expectations. It is allowing yourself to be yourself and others to be different.

“If I really love a person, I love all people, I love the world, I love life. If I can say to someone “I love you”, I should be able to say “I love everything in you”, “I love the whole world thanks to you, I love myself in you”.

Erich Fromm