When Aggression Is "incurable". Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Many films have been filmed about psychotherapy of anger and even more books, articles, notes, etc. have been written. Someone defends aggression, someone seeks to eradicate it in every possible way. The fight against aggression begins from the very kindergarten and for some it really lends itself to correction, while for others it remains a scourge for life. In the process of psychotherapy, many adults are fully aware that they are overly aggressive, hot-tempered, cruel, regret such behavior and understand that it is the basis of all their life troubles in relations with people, but they cannot do anything with themselves. Do you think this is laziness and the search for excuses?

Not always.

In fact, there really is a type of people whose liver is a constitutionally weak organ, they are in a sense bile-dependent and do not always know how to regulate internal imbalance. In behavior such children are great workers and clever, dexterous, courageous, strong and active, often winners of various olympiads and competitions, innovators and creatives … However, the problem is that it is very difficult to recognize the psychotype through the somatotype in children, unlike adults. Since they, by virtue of accelerated development, try on all the models of behavior, it is not always clear where their true, and where is the trial. To suggest that the child belongs to the somatopsychotype under discussion, in addition to a special body (athletic, strong, flexible), we can also that at one age or another he was more ill than others with something related to the liver or gallbladder, eyes and / or ligaments, and even more so if it is hereditary, if mental characteristics were present, including functional hyperactivity, NCD, etc. A weak liver makes such people prone to addictions (this is not only about alcohol, but also about sweets, computers, etc.).

And of course, the most important criterion, which the article is devoted to, is that such children are especially aggressive in comparison with their peers and their aggressiveness is difficult to correct. I will not write what has been said a thousand times; on the contrary, I will write the key factors that should be paid attention to in raising such children.

We take as a basis the fact that aggression is a kind of fuel for them. All those achievements in school, victories in sports and successes in personal relationships - they all have it precisely thanks to the very aggressive energy that they sent in the right direction. Our task is to remember that they always have much more of this energy than others, so they are successful as long as they use it in business. As soon as we are faced with destructive aggression, this is the first signal that they have gone astray, that they are using their fuel for other purposes. Therefore, pay attention to the following caveats:

1. Never make them angry … Often such children demonstrate serious physical strength and activity, and their parents send them to sports. This is a very competent decision so that a child can realize his physical potential, which he naturally has much more than other children. but pay attention to the fact that the sections also carry the spirit of the philosophy of cultivating virtue - not attack, but defense, fair fight, justice, respect for elders and help to the younger, friendship and mutual assistance, etc. Unfortunately, in psychotherapy of psychosomatics, this is a very common strategy of men - "walking over corpses", which they were taught in childhood. Perhaps today she will give you a medal or a diploma, but in 30 years it will be a lonely and sick man who, even to himself, will be afraid to admit how bad he really is, and along the way will either get drunk or prick everything and everything, not physically, so indirectly, verbally.

2. Learn to work in a team … Such children have a very strongly developed spirit of competition, competition, etc., deep down they know better than you who, how and where to jump. Encourage their individuality and exclusivity, but remind them that each person is valuable in their own way, and in some ways even more successful than themselves. Learn to listen to other ideas and take a step back sometimes … Today these are my clients who bang their heads against the wall when the exit is near. They do not see him because they are either too proud to ask for help, or they are sure that the people around are second-class people. The inability to concede and retreat brings them to complex pathologies. If now you see that the child does not adequately respond to failure, shows stubbornness in spite of the arguments of the destructiveness of such behavior - do not fence yourself off, this is a sign that he is not coping with the existing potential.

3. Don't teach to hit back … Such children will knock the offender ahead of your edification, for them it is like a reflex. Moreover, people of this psychotype are very convincing in anger and can express their dissatisfaction in words in such a way that no child will have a desire to compete with him. Let him, in this manner, first warn the offender about the consequences. It is important for such children to learn not to act reflexively, but to take a break for reflection … Just once having received permission for physical strength, they can for a very long time, painfully and hard to part with this in adulthood. These are clients who first break wood, and then try to build a house out of chips (Reflex display of aggression is the most difficult for such a psychotype, our task, on the contrary, is to take them away from reflexes and stereotypes, paying attention to analysis, planning, weighing the pros and cons, search for a compromise, etc., these are their weak points, which are important to strengthen in childhood.

4. Don't teach indirect methods of aggression - hitting pears, shouting into a pillow, etc., this is a trap that will play a cruel joke with them later. Believe me, not a single client was happy when her husband, in a fit of family misunderstanding, reflexively smashed the entire kitchen, equipment, or called it the latest epithets about the existence of which she did not even know. Remember that such people have too much aggression and it is their natural fuel. The only way to deal with it constructively is to put it in action., in a project, in achievement, in self-improvement, etc. Note the difference: indirect method of aggression = hitting the pillow and sublimation of aggression = squatting or nailing the baseboard (for those who are older).

5. Analyze behavior … Discuss with the child how you can express aggression differently, how you can solve this or that conflict differently, how to act in what difficult situations, with whom and what to talk about, or what is better to do, etc. Don't leave him feeling like hitting, screaming and breaking is okay … Unfortunately, most of my aggressive clients often do not even understand when they are rude, humiliate, etc. They might want not to be rude, but they do not know how it is and do not track it in their behavior.

6. Discuss and demonstrate nonviolent tactics … Especially if the child inherited this aggression. Aggressive games and cartoons are harmful for ordinary children, but for children who are constitutionally aggressive, this is primarily a trauma, what they see, they unconsciously experience a hormonal shock. Very often my adult clients talk about early childhood experiences associated with the observation of acts of aggression, and some associate them with the inclusion of the pleasure center. Therefore, in the second place, it is a constant topic for discussion and analysis: what does the hero do, why he did so (whether he got what he wanted), is it good or bad (there is a mixed feeling when a good hero kills a negative one - it is important to make out what is the plus of the situation, but in than a minus, so that the pleasure of the victory of good does not mix with the pleasure of violence) and how to act constructively in such a situation.

It is important to note that this is not a universal article. It is not about childish aggression, it is about children who are naturally aggressive. They will not outgrow this as it is impossible to change their physiology. Our task is to draw their attention to where and when their behavior is excessive, how they can help themselves to sublimate this energy, and what to do in order to give them the energy of achievement, creation, creativity, etc. did not turn into vulgar scuffle or hysteria. With such children it is not out of place to stipulate that hot temper and anger is their weak point, which is important to keep under control. And if they feel that the situation is out of bounds - do not bang their heads against the wall, but ask for help.