In The Absence Of Children In Marriage, I Believe It Is Quite Possible To Get Divorced. If You Have Children, You Need To Think Hard

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Source: ezhikezhik.ru

Is it possible to swear in front of a child, do children adopt parental models of behavior, what to do if you want to get a divorce, and do you need to live with a husband who yells and humiliates? Family and child psychologist Katerina Murashova reports

- Can you tell by the child that he has problems in his family?

Yes, I can, even from a photograph. Yes, and without a photo, I can too. I can tell any child that he has problems in his family. I have never seen families without problems.

- How bad is it for children when parents swear all the time?

When parents fight all the time and have a bad relationship with each other, this is bad for the children. There are no other options.

- Well, what about? Leave to swear to another room?

Yes it is. If it is necessary to find out the relationship and the parents are expansive, that is, they always swear in a raised voice, then if possible, it is better to do this not in the presence of children.

WHEN ALL THE TIME IS BATTLE IT IS HARMFUL.

- If parents scream all the time, then when they grow up, children will also scream?

No, not required. Temperament is not inherited and a choleric mother may well have a phlegmatic child. If children have a different temperament, they will have a different type of reactivity. Moreover, they can and deliberately adopt a different demeanor. For example, among alcoholic parents, children most often do not have a neutral relationship with alcohol. Either they are also prone to abuse, or they categorically do not drink.

- That is, by contradiction?

Yes! A child, when he grows up, may well choose from the opposite: "My mother has been yelling at me all my life and I will lie down with bones, but I will not raise my voices at my children." This happens quite often, people are still not animals and to some extent have free will.

- And, in general, children suffer a lot when parents quarrel?

When they quarrel all the time, it is harmful. But if the family is moderately scandalous, then the child simply gets used to the fact that he lives in such a situation. And abrupt changes will be much more harmful than screams. For example, a child grows up in a family where people scream like crazy all the time, where they either throw themselves into each other's arms, or chase each other with a broom. Now, if suddenly in such a family, mom and dad begin to say to each other: "Good morning, dear, how did you sleep?" and "Good night, dear, see you tomorrow," then the child will have a terrible anxiety.

- That is, the child needs something familiar. With a broom means with a broom.

Yes, if chasing with a broom is the norm for this family, then the child adapts to this.

- Well, the child has his family with a broom in front of his eyes all the time. Will he have the same relationship model in the future?

No, no, what are you! For a long time not only his family is before the eyes of the child. It was like this before, and now, in the era of televisions and the Internet, and even more so. Take, for example, my childhood - then there was no Internet and we just bought the first TV. Nevertheless, my whole yard was before my eyes, there were communal apartments of my friends, and all family interactions took place right in the communal corridor and we could observe them, as they say, "from the ground, first row." And this all happened over the years, in development. The idea that a child has only his family in front of his eyes is not true, especially now.

- That is, children do not necessarily repeat the patterns of their parents? If the mother in the family nagged his father all the time, then the boy will not necessarily look for a wife like him?

Of course not. You know, this is a completely primitive understanding of Freudianism.

IN REALITY, IT IS POSSIBLE WHEN THE PROBLEMS OF THE PARENTS DIRECTLY BECOME THE PROBLEMS OF THE CHILD.

- So, the problems of the parents do not affect the children so directly?

In fact, it is possible that the problems of the parents directly become the problems of the child. For example, if a mother responds to the child's question “Mom, will you die?”, Which is usually asked at the age of four, gives a reaction of horror. And then the parent's problem - that he has got a child, but has not acquired a worldview - becomes directly the child's problem. He does not receive an answer to his question, sees the horror of his parents and this is transformed into his personal problems.

- Does it matter for a child how many children are in the family? When do children feel better - when are they alone or, conversely, when there are many of them? Is there an optimal number of children for which the parents have enough strength?

There is nothing better. The number of children is not important. What is important is what happens in the family. When four children are loved, entertained and taught to live, they feel good, but when one is not loved, then he feels bad. And vice versa. In general, two normal parents have enough strength for several children.

- If the parents have a big age difference and they have different views on education and life in general - can this be a problem for the child?

Well, the age difference has nothing to do with it. In my time, the marriage of a teacher to a young graduate student was the most common thing. You know, if the parents have nothing to say to each other, it's not about age.

- It often happens that a husband and wife are not happy with each other. Let's say the wife is a terrible bore, but the husband does not like it. How to be?

You cannot change another person. You need to change your behavior and watch how your partner's behavior changes from this. If the wife is a bore, the husband needs to think about what he can change in himself. Experiments are possible here. For example, he begins to tell his wife once a day that he loves her. Or brings a bouquet of flowers every day. Or even take and pin up all the shelves that he promised to pin her for six months. And then he looks to see if she is still the same bore or if something has changed. For example, she began to saw him not seven times a week, but only three. And as the shelves nailed, so generally only once. Already okay.

WE CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER, BUT EACH OF US CAN CHANGE HIMSELF.

We cannot change the other, but each of us can change ourselves and then the behavior of people around us will also change. And if you think that the behavior of your second spouse somehow influences the behavior of your children, and you don't like it yourself, then the only thing you can do is start changing your behavior. Since the family is a system, something will start to change.

- And if the husband humiliates his wife? And the wife does not want their daughter to perceive this behavior as correct. How can she change the situation?

Yes, this is a very good example. But again, it is the wife who must begin to change her behavior. In any way. Experimentally. Buy a cheap set and say: “Every time you try to humiliate me, I will beat the cups. Because I don't like it. For every attempt to humiliate her, she has a cup - slap. He tries again, she still takes a cup - slap! After a while, he realizes something. Perhaps he didn’t even think that he was humiliating her: “Why did I say that at all?”. After a while, a reflex is formed. He begins to understand when the cup will fly. And now a woman, as in the previous example, can reduce evil - from seven times a week to one. And the wife can count, well, okay, okay, once a week is nothing. The situation has improved.

- How do financial problems affect children? If dad lost his job and the family suddenly became very poor, the children do not go to the camp, to the sea, abroad somewhere. Is it a drama for a child?

Is this a drama? Drama is when dad gets hit by a car. And this is just an unpleasant episode. If this is a drama for a family, then I highly recommend that they go to a psychologist, this family has serious problems.

- Well, is it really not important? If this child goes to a prestigious school and everyone is sent to England for the summer. Everybody goes, but he doesn’t.

This means another school is needed. In fact, all parents need to think seriously before sending a child to school, where anything is measured by the material security of the family. Any parents, even very wealthy ones, should think before sending them to such a school.

- Mom has another man. Is this a drama for a child?

This is usually followed by a divorce. Here is a divorce, yes, a drama.

FIRST MOTHER SHOULD HONDLY LOOK AT THE SITUATION.

- And what should my mother do? Tell the child: "I fell in love with another"?

No, there is no need to shift the responsibility onto the child. First, she herself must honestly look at the situation. Tell yourself, “You have another man. Besides, you have this family and these children. What are you gonna do?" And give yourself this answer. Do I need to tell the children about this? Do not know. If children already know something, and children, as a rule, know everything, then it is better to tell the truth. For example: “Your father and I decided to leave. I fell in love with Uncle Slava and we are planning to get married. " Or vice versa: “You know Uncle Slava. So, we decided to part with him, I will no longer go to his dacha”.

“But it’s not always easy to say. For example, a father has another family or children on the side. The wife knows everything. But how to tell the child about it?

Of course, this is not easy. But if you pull, it will get even worse. Although it is clear that you cannot tell a baby this at all. Parents should first discuss the situation together, and then decide how, who and when will tell their child about it. And do as they decide. Say, for example: “Yes, dad has another family and there are two more sons. And he is not leaving on a business trip, but going to them."

- But the child will be offended?

Not if you tell him this from the very beginning. It will be okay for him. True, it may be strange when he tells this in kindergarten. But it will be strange for others, not for him. For a child, it will be just the way it is.

- How to understand that family problems have a bad effect on a child? When should parents grab their heads and run to fix their relationship?

Can not say. You know, if a child started peeing in bed (unless he caught a cold) - most likely, it is not mom and dad who are fighting. Most likely, it is some requirements that he cannot meet. If a child has some kind of neurological manifestations, then, first of all, I would begin to analyze the relationship of the parents with the child, and not among themselves. And only then, if there is nothing here, you can see if the child is a carrier of a symptom of family disharmony.

THE CHILD, AS THE WEAKEST LINK, IS A CARRIER OF THE SYMPTOM OF FAMILY DISHARMONY.

- And what is this symptom?

When there is no obvious reason for the child's neurosis, but there is neurosis. Nothing happens to the child, which means that something is wrong in the family. And the child, as the weakest link, acts as a bearer of the symptom of family disharmony. This is not so common, but it does happen. In my practice, I have met this many times.

- And how does it manifest itself?

You know, each time is individual. Diagnosing this is incredibly difficult. This is the last thing that comes to mind. First, you look for problems at school, with health, maybe they demand too much from the child, maybe he has few circles or, conversely, many circles. And only then you start thinking about family problems.

- Divorce for a child is, of course, bad. But there are times when divorce is the best way out?

Sure! Lots of cases. If, for example, a husband drinks, beats his wife or smiles at her for years, then parting is much better than continuing to live together. For both parents and children.

- And if there is no horror, but there is no happiness in the family either. Which way to lean - towards the children or towards yourself?

If a person has a clear idea of how to do better, then you need to go and do better. If you yourself do not know what to do.. In the absence of children in marriage, I think it is quite possible to get divorced. If you have children, you need to think hard. Whether your dissatisfaction is a reason for the destruction of the family.

- If parents decide to divorce, how can they remain good parents for their children?

There is only one universal advice - you need to lie to children as little as possible. The less lies are told in the process of what is happening, the greater the chance that the breakup of the family will go well for the children and the adults will be able to maintain parenting. Then, despite the fact that the family broke up, the children will have a mom and dad. The less lied to them, the better the prognosis.

- It turns out that honesty is the most important thing in the relationship between parents and children?

Yes, maximum honesty. Although, of course, the idea of absolute honesty is a utopia. But we must strive for this. And it is very important not to lie to yourself in the first place.