GIRL AND DESERT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Chapter 1.

For those left behind

A year after meeting my future husband, I married him. And I loved him! For ten years, a feeling of warmth, security, a loved one close by, the opportunity to be myself … He protected and appreciated my inner world, and I cherished and loved him … Our small family circle, where it seemed impossible to penetrate even with a glance, collapsed one moment. I learned about his unwillingness to live at home and about the presence of another woman. I couldn’t fit in my head, except that this woman had a cat!

I was thrown out of my old life, from the most protected place in my soul. Distraught, I wandered around my - our apartment, bumping into his things, at friends - his friends - with a frightened look, at my daughter, who was watching the same film all the time - about a divorce … He constantly called, and started one and the same phrase: "I …" I was frantically waiting for the usual "love", but he said "please", and then I began to cry. He asked … I don't remember what, probably, to survive.

So ten days passed, which seemed to me a month. I always sat in the corner on the couch, next to the phone, and sometimes slept right there.

My mother-in-law took my daughter, my sister lived with me. Sometimes I came to the kitchen. Couldn't even look into our bedroom. She usually slept during the day, all nights were mine. It was winter, it was always dark. I was petrified, any food seemed strange to me. I struggled with sleep to the last, because in 15 minutes I forgot what had happened, and every day I had to tell myself about everything anew.

I began to live these months, the fact that he was with another - I always felt this, to live his silence, the news that he is capable of lies, viscous loneliness, fear of going out. I could hardly walk with the dog, experiencing continuous pain from the sight of trees, from the noise of trains, from the light of passing cars. All clocks in the house have stopped! Every, every minute I was cruelly waiting for him and decided - I will eat and sleep when he comes. I saw my rival in any passer-by.

Three months later, my beloved dog ran away, but I hardly noticed. I did not communicate with my daughter, I only remember how she stroked my head and asked me to talk to her. It was all monstrous.

What didn't I do? I have never accused him of anything. I didn't say a bad word to anyone about him. I haven't got myself a man. I didn't feel any evil feelings at all. Do you know why? I believed him. And I took great care of him. Now that I've lost.

What did I do? I went to a psychotherapist. I suddenly began to write very scary poems that made people cry. I lost my sense of time, space and decency. I constantly discussed all this on the phone with everyone and immediately forgot what I had just been told. Serious memory lapses began, I could not work - I was hired everywhere, and I left everywhere. I only wanted to go home from anywhere - to the phone and to my place. And I started keeping a diary.

The first time I recorded something after a night I spent with another man. I had to drink vodka to go to bed with him. There was sex. It didn't matter. When he fell asleep, I ran home, leaving all the doors open. I cursed my husband - for the first time. What are you doing, I cried, I want to go home - on your shoulder, I love you, I love everyone, our trampled former family, I don't want to go to this world where you are not, where I am not.

After some time, I realized what he was running from in me. I caught another unfulfilled expectation by the elusive tail and examined it from all sides. I was very, very smart. I began to fight it. Two months later, I caught any of my expectations on the approaches to our relationship and well, too well learned not to expect anything from him.

He has a right to it, I said to myself one day. He has the right not to love me and not want to be with me. And it was the most difficult to accept. I stopped expecting something from him - understanding, return, even a call. He doesn't owe me anything, and no one owes me anything, I told myself. I have changed a lot. And every moment I realized that I love him very much, continuing to support him in his decision, protecting him from the condemnation of friends and parents.

My loneliness was still unbearable, but I breathed a sigh of relief when I allowed myself not to frantically search for a man instead. Every night I turned on my computer and talked, talked on the pages of my diary with my ex-husband and with myself.

And he lived alone, saw his daughter, the woman doubled or tripled, and even one of them once called and railed. I felt a lot of fun. At that time, my husband had already passed the stage of pathetic lies, a tragic flight from me to his shelter and began to talk about his return. I got wings! We again talked for hours about everything that was understandable and dear only to the two of us. My love, unconditional acceptance of him with all his sins made him feel safe. Did I lure him? No! There was no lie in the fact that I accepted everyone.

Everything else was a lie.

I had no sense of integrity, security, truth. I was afraid to look into his eyes and hug him tightly as before - what if he hit him again? The worst thing was two things - loneliness and lies. It was not given to me not to know the truth - I learned it by chance. Accepting him who lied, who knew that I knew about it, I was destroyed. Rejecting him who had lied, I writhed on my sofa from loneliness on shining summer evenings. I fell in love with bad weather - it did not oblige me to be happy.

Okay, I said to myself one day. I love this man and I need him. I suffered for him. What are you unhappy with? Here is the answer - I began to receive a surrogate in return for my previous life. Lady, you must answer yourself - without which your relationship with a man is unacceptable. For me - no trust. Trust put me in jeopardy, and I gave it up. That is, a certain body began to come to my house, hammer nails, eat and stay at rest. The body made plans for the holidays, uttered the words "home" and "baby". And many more different words from the previous life. I smiled and nodded. Then the body would leave, taking away the soul I had not recognized - and I swear - sometimes it would immediately go to another woman. Damn, I've found out about this a lot! Sometimes I dreamed of being deaf, blind, or at least dumb. I was open to him, and his lies hurt me painfully.

And then I became incredulous. The place in the soul, where the house was, continued to be empty. I came to visit my friends with black envy - everyone was in pairs. Well, what do you need, I begged myself, close your eyes and don't even ask yourself questions. Let him lie! I need a husband, I love him and miss him, my daughter cries, all girls are transient, and I am a wife. I'm alone. But the next morning, after another, terrifiedly identified lie, I could hardly get up from the ruins.

I know everything, dear ladies, just at this age the world is full of wandering men. Endure, sit out, and where will he go!

I never told him that everything was destroyed. Because I am a coward - my a little too sick, my eyes not hidden in time plunged him into a state of panic flight. He felt a sense of guilt, and he could not bear it, and again and again I took care of him.

Returned or returned after the betrayal of men - who is this? Never feeling the danger of losing us, muttering "my wife is wise, she will understand everything and forgive everything," they leave in the evenings, disappear from the house on weekends, wash away traces of other people's cosmetics in the bathroom and, taught by bitter experience, train an honest look in front of the mirror. My husband did not go to another woman - he went to look for himself, having driven through our souls with a tank. Gentlemen, men, know that you will return to a woman who will never again love you as before.

Her soul has lost its innocence. She may never admit this to herself, because then she will have to clearly and unbearably clearly see the price for which she acquired a fake. A fake is a man to whom everything has been forgiven, but nothing, believe me, has not been forgotten. I interviewed women who - that's heroism - managed to bring back their husbands on a spree. Are you curious to know what they are saying? I don't love him anymore, they say calmly and go to cook dinner.

Take care of your soul, especially if it has lost faith in people, do not exchange it for surrogates. The present will never ask for such an expensive price, the present will take care of your soul by itself. Are you ready to collapse, fearing some kind of death - failure, failure, you do not like yourself dysfunctional, abandoned, you say "I did not cope with this" and cry in despair? But there is no one to love you, except yourself, do not betray yourself. Now you are your own close person, husband and mother. It is not given to anyone to judge us.

And here's another thing. Now I am learning to create a new home to replace the lost one - completely alone. This is a very difficult job, and I have not succeeded yet. Everything collapses like a house of cards … My house shouldn't be a house of cards! Someday I will have a loved one again, but this inner structure of mine will be strong - regardless of his presence or departure.