Relationship Mistakes That Can Be Very Expensive

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

According to Rosstat, for every 1000 marriages concluded in 2015-2016, there are, on average, 588 divorces. The statistics are disappointing … What is worth thinking about and what is worth looking at before marriage in order to live happily ever after? This is what this article is about.

In our culture, there are no clear-cut and well-known criteria on which to rely on when choosing a husband, so “everyone comes out as best she can,” collecting knowledge bit by bit or relying on her intuition. There are several very common strategies in a relationship that, unfortunately, can play a cruel joke on a woman.

Unrealistic expectations for a partner

If we ask a woman: "What kind of man should be suitable for you?", We can often hear a standard set of phrases: smart, attentive, reliable, honest, etc. Where does this list come from? What exactly is behind these words?

Very often, the list is a fantasy about the ideal man, and the fantasy is very vague. What does smart mean? Does he have a professorship? Can he support any conversation? Or does she know how to multiply 4-digit numbers in her head? By what criteria do you plan to evaluate his mind? And is this really a priority criterion?

This is not to mention the fact that each quality has two sides. If you want to be behind a man, like behind a stone wall, are you ready for the fact that this “wall” will control your every step “no matter what happens” and make individual decisions? If your chosen one should be witty, the "soul" of any company, are you ready for the fact that after the wedding he will disappear in these companies? And perhaps without you?

To find the right partner for you, you need, first of all, to study yourself. Your needs, characteristics and limitations, your abilities and pain points. Unfortunately, we rarely know ourselves.

It is helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

- How much you can allow yourself to be yourself in the presence of a man. Don't you have to "match" all the time?

- To what extent do your values and ideas about the future coincide? This becomes clear during the discussion. And by the way, can you find a common language with this person, is it easy to negotiate?

- Do you match sexually? Men change hard, especially in such a sensitive topic. And problems with sex are one of the most common reasons for a cooling relationship.

- Do you manage to be reliable partners with a man? Is he ready to respond to your requests, fulfill his promises, take on his part of the responsibility, support you when it's hard for you?

Romantic love as the main reason for marriage.

During the period of falling in love, people are in the euphoria of spiritual (and, possibly, bodily) fusion. During this time, our focus of attention highlights the merits of the loved one and obscures the imperfections. They are either understated, or eyes are closed to them, or the woman makes an arrogant decision that the man will definitely correct himself under her beneficial influence" title="Image" />

Romantic love as the main reason for marriage.

During the period of falling in love, people are in the euphoria of spiritual (and, possibly, bodily) fusion. During this time, our focus of attention highlights the merits of the loved one and obscures the imperfections. They are either understated, or eyes are closed to them, or the woman makes an arrogant decision that the man will definitely correct himself under her beneficial influence

And family, partnership is a rational story. The family has a budget, there are responsibilities, there are plans, there is a distribution of responsibility and power. After people start living together in earnest, they begin to open up little by little. For example, a man used to calmly relate to the fact that you were dancing, and then suddenly it turned out that he was completely unhappy with this fact, moreover, he was terribly jealous. But as long as you are a girl, not a wife, he tries very hard not to lose you.

Romantic love ends when it collides with everyday life. At the same time, it is romance that is what we really want to feel, for which we go into a relationship. Extend this period, do not rush to get married, wait until this veil subsides a little to see the real person. This will reduce possible frustration later on.

It is a big mistake to think that what kind of relationship you have during the courtship period will remain so. And therefore, it is necessary to get married as soon as possible in order to "fix this level." At the threshold of partnership, you should not count on cloudless happiness, which will persist by itself. Back up yourself with rational arrangements.

Before deciding on marriage, look at this:

- what are the man's habits, can you put up with them? If a man "drinks", over time it can become alcoholism. The same goes for workaholism, relationships with women, gambling, etc.

- what is his relationship with others. With relatives, friends, ex-girls. How he speaks of them. You should be alarmed by both bad reviews about the environment, and an excessive desire to try for them, the inability to keep boundaries.

- what drives him out of himself, what are his sore spots. How safe are they for you. If a man allows himself to be violent and tight control before the wedding, then after they will only intensify.

- how he observes agreements. Can you rely on him?

Look at spontaneous manifestations, at moments when a person does not control himself, does not "hold his face". If you initially have to strongly adapt to the person, be comfortable for him, try too hard - this is a signal that your relationship is not equal and, over time, the imbalance will only increase.

Make choices based on stereotypes or fears

It often happens that a girl is under pressure from her environment or she herself decides that "I am already 26, and I am not married yet"! And she goes beyond the first one to offer. And then he lives with him all his life and suffers, because "they get married once and for life!" Or "How can children grow up without a father?" "What no, but still mine." And they endure drunkenness, betrayal, and even beatings. If a person does not feel like a half, but whole, self-sufficient, first of all, he will not connect his life with the first person he comes across, without really understanding what he is.

And, secondly, it will reserve the right to continue to make decisions whether it is worth staying with this person or not. Paradox: if a woman does not cling to a man, he himself wants to keep her close to him. And this is her self-sufficiency they feel very well, you don't even need to talk about it out loud.

A woman really wants security, stability, "to be washed ashore." She has a genetic need to "build a nest". Therefore, she may choose to stay in a relationship that does not suit her, simply out of fear of starting over. In this case, the unknown turns out to be more terrible than living your whole life with a person with whom there will be no happiness.

Ignoring the money issue

Some women are very afraid that they will be considered mercantile and declare: "Money does not mean anything to me! The main thing is that a person is good."

What may follow this:

- A woman does not allow a man to spend money on herself. "I myself." It is very difficult to give something if they do not accept it, and it is very important for a man to invest in a woman. The more he invested - time, effort, money, the more he loves.

- Mesalliance. When a woman chooses a man with a lower income or development. And, as a result, a perversion of roles occurs - a woman becomes the main earner in the family and gradually loses respect for her husband. And the man either goes over to the role of a child and takes everything for granted, or gets angry and competes with his wife.

- Husband and wife do not create a common budget. And by going on maternity leave, a woman becomes dependent on the goodwill of her husband. It is he who henceforth makes decisions on what she can spend money on, and what not. In this case, there is no question of any partnership and equality.

- In the event of a divorce, a woman may find herself "with nothing" because of fear or frivolous attitude to the money issue.

It is very important "on the shore" to discuss the money issue and work out a solution that suits both.

Desire to receive at the expense of a partner what they did not receive in childhood.

It's no secret that many of us choose as husbands / wives those who are similar to our parents of the opposite sex. If you did not have enough attention from your dad as a child, you will look for a partner whose love you will have to seek. If your relationship with your dad was good, you can expect the same love and patronage from your husband. At the same time forgetting that such love was from parent to child, but a relationship with a husband is a relationship of equals. It is impossible to get from an equal that elders should give.

And if he is ready to give you this parental love - be prepared for the fact that he will otherwise behave like a parent. Are you willing to pay for the care of addiction, as a child depends on a parent?

Such a strategy also leads to a formula of relations of the type" title="Image" />

Desire to receive at the expense of a partner what they did not receive in childhood.

It's no secret that many of us choose as husbands / wives those who are similar to our parents of the opposite sex. If you did not have enough attention from your dad as a child, you will look for a partner whose love you will have to seek. If your relationship with your dad was good, you can expect the same love and patronage from your husband. At the same time forgetting that such love was from parent to child, but a relationship with a husband is a relationship of equals. It is impossible to get from an equal that elders should give.

And if he is ready to give you this parental love - be prepared for the fact that he will otherwise behave like a parent. Are you willing to pay for the care of addiction, as a child depends on a parent?

Such a strategy also leads to a formula of relations of the type

True love begins after you can see both where you are similar and where you are different. Not only to see, but also to accept these differences, to respect them. In the case when they do not go beyond the norm, of course.

If you are not yet married, you have a great chance of a happy life with your loved one if you approach the issue of marriage rationally and "spread straws" under possible "sharp corners". But even if you are already married, and some problems have worsened, this does not mean that nothing can be changed. You can at least start discussing and talking about it, some things can be solved with simple agreements. If the disagreements are related to the characteristics of the spouses, then a psychologist's consultation, one by one or in pairs, can help to better understand each other.

I wish you great family happiness!