Husband And Wife Are "two Boots Of A Pair". How Exactly Do We Select "ours"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The founder of Transactional Analysis, E. Bern, said that we select people in our environment with great care and amazing accuracy. Trained as children to play certain games, we unmistakably identify additional players with whom we can share the script. Of course, we do it unconsciously, realizing by subtle signs that this is exactly who we need. Based on this postulate, husband and wife are not only much more similar than they themselves think, they coincide exactly, like two puzzles.

I propose to consider this theory with some examples.

One partner is overly emotional, the other is less emotional

Usually women are accused of being overly emotional, and it is difficult for men to identify and express their emotions. In many ways, this is due to our culture. But it also happens the other way around, when a man throws tantrums, and the wife is "cold as ice."

We catch each other's state at a subtle level, unconsciously. And it often happens that the more emotional partner has to express feelings for two. He reads the emotion of another who has a ban on expression and gives it out as his own. And then he wonders, "What has it gotten into him." This effect occurs not only in married couples, we can count the emotions of the interlocutor and suddenly begin to feel irritated, although before that we were in a great mood. In a pair, this mechanism allows both partners to "let off steam". And receive your winnings, of course. For example, a husband, after his wife's anger, has the right to take offense for several days, and the wife makes amends. In turn, the wife, in her splash, got rid of the accumulated irritation and is ready to be gentle and affectionate. These are the emotional gains from the situation.

One partner's anger matches the other's resentment

Resentment and anger are different forms of the same feeling. It all depends on what was allowed in the parental family of each partner. Someone is allowed anger as a strong emotion. And someone could not be angry, but offended - as much as you like. Here again we find a certain opposite. An angry person expresses most of the emotions through anger. He is scared - he is angry, he is in pain - he is angry. Because anger is allowed, but sadness, for example, is not. The other is allowed to have sorrow, but not anger. Therefore, instead of anger - resentment or the same sadness. We have absolutely all emotions and when one of them is prohibited, its expression is distorted, takes on a different form.

The jealousy of one partner corresponds to the secrecy of the other

One of the partners is not used to trusting anyone, opening his soul, trying to keep everything to himself, because his childhood experience shows that it is dangerous to open up. The other feels that they do not trust him, that the partner seems to be with him, but it seems that he is not. This creates anxiety and a desire to receive confirmation that the relationship is important to him. But there is no confirmation - after all, for this you need to open up. In everyone with whom his soul mate communicates, he sees a potential rival. Jealousy is the fear of losing something valuable, the instability of one's position, the lack of confidence in one's value for a partner. In turn, suspicions are not conducive to openness, but, on the contrary, are forced to hide even more. In fact, in this pair, both have problems with trust, only they are expressed in different ways.

The cruelty of one partner and the backbiting of the other

If one partner allows himself physical violence against living beings, then the other does the same, but verbally. One hits with his fists, in other words. Gossip, ridicule, malice, sarcasm. If a man hit his wife, you should definitely look at how she provoked it. It often happens that a man endures ridicule and disrespectful speech about himself for a very long time, or even direct abuse, and once does not stop himself.

Irresponsibility of one and control of the other

Women often complain that a man does not help, that you cannot rely on him, you have to carry everything on yourself. At the same time, they do not see their contribution. First, choose a husband who can be controlled, instead of listening to him, and then, gradually, establish control over the significant areas of life - home and children. The man, in turn, seeing that he is being ousted from the position of the owner of the house, chooses not to be responsible for what is happening in this house. "Why am I going to think when you've already thought of everything?" they say. You can only take responsibility for the one who is ready to follow you, but not for the one who constantly tells you how and what. Control arises from the fear that a person will not be able to cope with something that comes into his life from the outside. This had already happened in his experience before, in childhood, and the child made a decision that he needed to take all the most important things under his control so that there were no "surprises" and pain. Another child, in a similar experience, made the decision that "my mother knows better, but I would rather step aside." If that's not my problem, it won't hit me. Thus, both of these strategies are based on the fear of not coping with the situation.

I wrote this article so that each of the spouses could see their contribution to those circumstances that do not suit him in family life. This will allow you to get out of the victim state and take your part of the responsibility. After all, as you know, it is impossible to change another, you have to start yourself. But there is good news, starting with yourself, according to the law of communicating vessels, after a while you can notice changes in your loved one.