Authoritarian Wife And Saboteur Husband. Is Happiness Possible?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

People grow up keeping childhood traumas in their souls. Then these injuries manifest themselves in marital relationships, as we choose people who remind us of important figures from childhood as partners. As a result, the man wins back the anger intended for the parents on his wife. And the wife is on the husband. Aggression can be open, or it can be veiled (passive) With passive aggression, a person is afraid to directly and openly express anger. One of the forms of passive aggression is covert sabotage (not to refuse, but also not to do it). The promises are made as if “under pressure” and are not fulfilled, while the saboteur experiences not always conscious pleasure in disrupting other people's plans.

Growing up, he sees such a “mother” in every active woman: wife, boss, colleague, neighbor and just a casual acquaintance.

Practical example. A married couple is in the consultation. The wife is very active, proactive, speaks confidently, in a loud voice. The husband is unhurried, calm, his speech is monotonous and quiet. Together, the spouses are seventeen years old, have a teenage daughter. I ask:

- What's wrong with your relationship?

Husband: - For me everything is "so". I love my wife. And all the time something does not suit her. That threatens with divorce. Wife: - I have a whole list of complaints against my husband.

- What's in the first place on this list?

- The fact that he violates the agreement. He listens to me, agrees, and then does everything in his own way.

- Can you give an example?

- For example, we agreed that the daughter would come home at nine o'clock in the evening. And in the end, it's already eleven, and she's still gone. Says: "Dad allowed." - I believe that there is nothing wrong if the daughter is walking with her friends. - She should go to school in the morning. She won't get up. - It is already big enough and can be responsible for its own choice. - But, after all, we agreed! I appeal to my husband:

- At the time of the contract, did you tell your wife your point of view?

- No, she still won't hear me. She only hears herself. - Not true! You didn't even try to tell me something! I appeal to my husband:

- What kind of relationship did you have with your mother as a child?

- Normal.

- You could have your own opinion? Did mom hear you?

- Mom was very assertive, categorical, she heard only herself.

- And then you decided to resist in silence. You agreed with what your mother said, but acted in your own way

- Yes exactly.

- This behavior is called passive aggression. When a person suffers for a long time, passive aggression hides anger. Then it manifests itself in sabotage - in inaction or opposition to the person at whom the anger is directed

- Yes it's true.

- Does your wife look like your mother?

- Yes, the qualities that I have already named are very similar.

The wife's parental family has three children. She is the eldest. The woman is used to taking responsibility not only for her younger brothers, but also for her parents. From childhood he controls everything, is responsible for everything. When the first brother appeared, my mother said: “You are not little anymore. You are an adult. " And the "adult" is only three years old. Its independence was formed too early and too quickly. The woman became an "adult" without having time to be a child. She is still in childhood illusions about the ability to control "everyone" and "everything." The habit of unconditionally setting her own rules does not give her the opportunity to hear another. Accepting help for her means showing weakness and dependence. - I'm used to everything being my way.

The couple found each other like a pot with a lid. The behavior of adults is governed by their traumatized Inner Children. The wife confirms her importance through activity, the opportunity to earn, perfect order in the house. It is important for her to be the first, the main one in everything. And the passive husband gives her the opportunity to show these qualities familiar from childhood. In turn, observing an authoritarian wife next to him, the husband continues to remain in the position of a child. This child is angry, but can only show his aggression passively - by sabotage. Spouses can change their behavior by accepting the benefits of the positions in which they find themselves. This benefit lies in repeating the familiar atmosphere from childhood, when the wife needed to feel “omnipotent” in order to be a “good girl”. The husband had to be obedient to be a "good boy." The wife realizes her anger in suppressing her husband, and he - in sabotaging her orders. Their feelings are addressed to their parents, and are manifested in the marital relationship. If they really decide to change, it will take a lot of time for the wife to allow herself to delegate responsibility, and the husband to take this responsibility.