How To Speak To Get It

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It happens very often: you talk and talk, but there's no sense in it. You convey a thought, and on the other side at this time … on the other side there can be anything: stubbornness (it is also called a donkey), resentment, neglect, boredom. Or tiredness.

Unpleasant, isn't it ?. Especially if the conversation is significant, and the interlocutor is doubly significant.

And I really do not want to get into such situations, and it is equally unpleasant when you speak yourself, but it does not reach the addressee, and when they speak to you, and it is impossible to listen to it.

This may sound almost cynical to a sensitive ear, but the laws of communication are very similar to the law of gravity: gravity doesn't care whether you believe in it or not.

Gravity exists.

And in the same way, there are laws, principles and ways of effective communication. And we'll talk about the methods in a little more detail.

Me and you messages

In communication, we can use "You-messages" and "I-messages". And depending on the tasks of communication, You messages and I-messages can be useful and appropriate in some situations and inappropriate, even harmful in others.

Today we will touch on the ways of communication in close relationships: parents with children, between friends and lovers.

The meaning of You-messageas the name implies - to communicate something to another person about himself.

Purpose of the I-message - convey to another thought, feeling, emotion inwardly.

And a lot of problems that might not have arisen, nevertheless, arise when we always or most often use "You-messages" instead of "I-messages".

We say, "You're late again!"

We say: "You bring me on!"

We say: "It's all your fault!"

What does the other person hear, what does he think and how does the other person feel at this time?

He hears: "I don't love you, I only notice your shortcomings, I want to humiliate you, hurt you"

He feels: guilt, anger, misunderstanding, irritation, pain, resentment.

He thinks: "Well, again, it has begun again, I want to leave here, stop."

And here it is, a broken trough and a favorite rake side by side.

Why is this happening? There are several reasons, one of the essential, this is a cultural reason. We, our parents, (and before that, the parents of our parents and so on) were taught exactly this way: to use You-messages when we ourselves are overwhelmed with feelings, when we ourselves would like to convey to another - about ourselves, about how we are with the other.

And so we say:

"Why are you late?!" INSTEAD OF "I was worried, it was important for me that you come on time today."

"You bring me on!" INSTEAD OF “I am perplexed and angry with you when I ask you a question, and you turn your back and are silent instead of answering. It is important for me to be heard by you"

"It's all your fault!" INSTEAD OF "I feel angry with you now."

For close, emotionally colored relationships, self-messages create an opportunity for further dialogue. When Thou-messages are used instead of them out of place, further dialogue is significantly reduced or completely minimized.

And we all know what such a minimum looks like:

"How are you?"

"Fine"

"It's impossible to talk to you!"

"And again you start!"

And so on and so forth.

What can be done? - learn to use I-messages when you want to convey to another yourself.

So what does such a message consist of?

The first is the name of emotion and feeling. Communicate the feeling or emotion that you are experiencing. For example: "I'm worried"

Second. Give the fact, reason, or reason you are worried. For example, "I worry when you are late because I always think that something happened to you on the way."

Third. Tell your partner what kind of behavior you want from him. For example: “I want you to come on time next time” (or “I want you to call me back as you leave work”)

And finally. Self-messages are not a panacea, and not a manipulation, not a "cunning psychological trick" to make another obedient dog so that he does not recognize, and not a method to softly order.

This is a way to convey Oneself to the Other.

And it's not easy. Especially if you have never done this before.

And it will not work.

And more than once it will seem that this is just a jumble of meaningless words.

And yes, partners will look at you in surprise. (At first)

And therefore, after the I-message, there is an important fourth actis often the hardest part.

Pause and hear the Other.

Yaroslav Moisienko, psychologist