Liz Gilbert. Something Wrong

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Source: Essay by Liz Gilbert.

Expensive,

I once came to see a therapist for a strange reason. I was scared that I might be a sociopath.

Why? I thought I was FEELING WRONG.

I was 30, I was married - and by all indications I should have dreamed of having a child. All married women in their thirties seem to dream of a child.

But I didn't want to have a child. Thinking about children filled me not with joy, but with anxiety.

Then I decided: I’m probably a sociopath! (and went to a therapist to confirm the diagnosis and figure out what to do now). A kind woman carefully explained to me the difference between me and a sociopath. “A sociopath,” she said, “unable to feel. And you are just overwhelmed with feelings. Rather, the problem is that you think you FEEL WRONG."

This is why I was scared - not because I lacked the ability to feel, but because it was difficult for me to acknowledge my feelings as correct. I was worried because I believed that there are “those” and “wrong” emotions about every event - and if I catch myself on the “wrong” emotions, something is wrong with me.

Fortunately, I don't think so anymore.

We are not operating systems!

We are people.

We are complex. Each of us is unique. We are perfect in our imperfection. Each of us knows ourselves better than the rest. There is no single right way to feel.

Society, of course, broadcasts some methods … and in our heads they become the only correct ones. And when you deny your feelings and try to adapt to society, the person begins to suffer. You have to drown out your feelings with unhealthy addictions, an inner critic - or even force yourself to stop perceiving your own feelings! At some point, you can really bring yourself to near sociopathy by suppressing all your emotions.

Have you ever felt SOMETHING WRONG?

Over the years, I have amassed a vast collection of inappropriate feelings.

A friend of mine caught herself feeling grief on her own wedding day. It was definitely SOMETHING WRONG. Imagine three hundred guests, an expensive dress from Vera Wong - and grief?

The shame with which she covered up this feeling of grief spoiled her later years of marriage. Of course, it's better not to feel anything than to FEEL SOMETHING WRONG!

Another friend, writer Ann Patchett, recently published a bold essay on another inappropriate feeling. When her father died after a painful illness, Anne was overwhelmed with happiness. But people who read her essays on the Internet incinerated her with comments. After all, you CANNOT FEEL YOURSELF. However, Ann felt that way - despite the fact (or because of) that she adored and looked after her father. She was happy for him and for herself, because the torment had come to an end. But instead of keeping silent about this WRONG FEELING, she spoke about it openly. I am proud of her courage.

Another friend confessed after many years: “I hate Christmas. I've always hated him. I will not celebrate it anymore! YOU CAN NOT DO IT THIS WAY!

The friend does not feel sad or regretful about the abortion she had thirty years ago. YES HOW DARE!

The friend stopped reading the news and discussing politics because he got up the courage and said, "To be honest, I don't care about this anymore." YOU CAN NOT DO IT THIS WAY!

One friend said to me: “You know, they say - no one has ever complained at death that he spent too little time at work? Because family and friends are more important? So, I, perhaps, will become the first. I love my job, it brings me more joy than family and friends. And work is much easier than dealing with family problems. I'm resting at work. WHAT? YOU CAN NOT DO IT THIS WAY!

A friend thought she was going crazy when she felt a huge relief - her husband left after twenty years of "good marriage." She gave all of herself to the family, she believed him and was faithful - but he left her. She must suffer! She must feel that she has been betrayed, offended, humiliated! There is a scenario according to which a good wife should behave when her husband decides to divorce - but she shied away from life according to this scenario. All she felt was the joy of unexpected freedom. Her family was worried. After all, my friend FEELED SOMETHING WRONG. They wanted to buy her pills and take her to the doctor.

My mother once confessed that the happiest time in her life began when my sister and I left home. IN WHAT SENSE? She must have had empty nest syndrome and a lot of suffering! Mothers should grieve when children leave home. But my mom wanted to dance a jig when her house was empty. All mothers suffered, and she wanted to sing like a bird. Of course, she did not admit this to anyone. She would have been exposed as a bad mother right away. A good mother does not enjoy being free from children. YOU CAN NOT DO IT THIS WAY! What will the neighbors say?

And one more thing for dessert: one day my friend found out about his fatal diagnosis. He loved life more than anyone else. And his first thought was: "Thank God." This feeling did not go away. He was happy. He felt that he had done everything right and that it would be over soon. He was dying! He should have felt fear, rage, pain, despondency. But all he could think about was that there was no need to worry about anything anymore. Not about savings, not about retirement, not about difficult relationships. Not terrorism, not global warming, not fixing a garage roof. He didn't even need to worry about death! He knew how his story would end. He was happy. And he remained happy until the very end.

He told me: “Life is not easy. Even a good life. I had a good one, but I'm tired. Time to go home from the party. I'm ready to go. YES HOW CAN HE? The doctors kept saying that he was in a state of shock, and they read him passages from the brochure about the grief. But he was not in a state of shock. Shock is when there are no feelings. He had: a feeling of happiness. The doctors just didn't like it because it was the WRONG FEELING. However, my friend had the right to feel what he felt - isn't sixty years of a conscious and honest life not enough to win such a right?

Friends, I want you to allow yourself to feel what you actually feel - and not what someone imposes on you as the right feeling.

I want you to rely on your own feeling.

I want the words FEELING WRONG to make you laugh, not ashamed.

My friend Rob Bell talked about how he asked his therapist: "Is it normal that I feel like this?"

I, too, have had nothing normal for a long time. I’m not going to suffer and be ashamed of what I feel like feeling.

If I am happy, my happiness is true and real to me.

If I grieve, my grief is true and real to me.

If I love, my love is true and real to me.

No one is better off when I force myself to think I feel something different.

Live whole. Feel what you are already feeling.

Everything else is SOMETHING WRONG. For you.

Love, Liz.