The Whole Truth About The "magic Pendel" Or How We Don't Take Responsibility For Our Lives

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The whole truth about the "magic pendel" or how we don't take responsibility for our lives.

“Once upon a time there was Ivanushka. He lived for himself, lay on the stove and still did not know what to do. Yes, what to do. Where to go. Yes, what to do. He lay there for 30 years and 3 years. Until a kind someone came and “wrote out” for him a soft and neat “magic pendel”. And from that moment everything went smoothly for Ivanushka. And he saw the direction. And he clearly began to understand what and when to do, and how to act. And after that he lived happily ever after …"

Apparently this is how people see the picture when they insistently demand a "magic pendel" from relatives, from loved ones, from their psychotherapist, from life, after all. I often hear this expression in many places. With a prayer and sometimes even with tears in my eyes. And by the way, I am a psychodrama therapist. And my thinking is appropriate - psychodramatic. For those unfamiliar with psychodrama, this is a proven method of psychotherapy, which is almost 100 years old, one of the basic principles of which is the materialization of everything that happens inside and outside, and the translation of materialized pictures into action. Revitalizing them so to speak.

So this idea came to me: let's try to make such a psychodramatic action with this concept, so beloved by our citizens - with a “magic pendel”. And let's see what happens.

1. So, if we talk about the "magic pendel", then at least 2 people participate in this event: the one who kicks and the one who is kicked. Remember yourself when you wanted to kick someone? How did you feel about it? I'll try to guess: anger, anger, aggression, irritation … You would hardly want to kick someone out of great joy or sadness. Hence the logical conclusion: a person who wants to get a "magic pendel" actually asks for aggression towards him.
2. Now let's talk about the strength of the applied effort. Rarely is a kick that is gentle, neat and affectionate. If we speak of it as an active manifestation of aggression, then this is exactly an action that brings physical pain of varying degrees. But pain. Someone will say: "But what about the" magic kick "from life?" I will answer simply - based on experience - my own, friends and acquaintances, client, literary - as a rule, a "magic kick" is a traumatic event. For example, the loss of a job, a loved one, health, material values, habitual way of life, social status, etc. This may not be painful in the physical sense. But it can bring acute mental pain. Which is experienced much stronger than the physical. Thus, asking for a "magic kick" a person asks: "Hurt me."
3. Now try to imagine in the form of a picture the process when one person kicks another. Depending on the strength of the kick, the point of application of the kicker's leg, the position of the kicker in relation to the kicker, such a kick can get different results. The one who is kicked can fall forward, sideways or backward. Can fly in the direction given by the kick for a fairly long distance. And given the fact that in an aggressive state, the kicker is unlikely to blur into a curtsy and say: “Dear friend! Please get ready. Now I will kick you with such and such force and in such and such a direction”- most likely it will not be possible to prepare for a kick and its consequences 100%. It is possible, of course, if the reaction is good, to group the body and smooth out the efforts of the kicker for yourself a little - but only by a small fraction. Thus, the trajectory, direction, speed and type of movement of the kicker depend on the kicker.

If we sum up all 3 of these points, then a person who wants a “magic pendel” in fact says the following: “Show aggression towards me. Hurt me and show me the type / type of movement and the direction in which to go (fly, run, lie down, etc.). "

How do you like this wording? And most importantly - do you still want to get this most notorious "magic pendel"?

In fact, I am describing the process as exaggerating as possible so that it looks more visual. And the key point here for me is just the last part. After all, the kicker really sets the movement. And he is not chosen by the kicked one. This choice is made for him. As in childhood, mom and dad made a choice for a child. The only paradox is that adults often ask for a "magic pendel", for whom mom or dad certainly should not make a choice. And adults have to choose where and how to move (or not move) on their own, and (drum roll) take responsibility for their choices and accept their consequences.

That is why all requests for a "magic pendel" are an illusory way of not making a choice and not being responsible for it. After all, the easiest way is to say after the already received kick from life: “This is not me. These are the circumstances. " And the illusory nature of this fact is explained very simply - not making a choice, not moving on your own and waiting for a "magic kick" is also a choice. The most real. Here and now.

What could be the reasons for such a reluctance to make any choices and take responsibility for your life? From experience, various fears lie on the surface. But there can be a lot of interesting things under fear. And fear in itself most often turns out to be not real, but neurotic.

How can you help yourself in situations when the soul directly demands and asks for a "magic pendel"?

1. First of all, remember what a "magic pendel" is. Maybe from this text, maybe from my personal experience. And remember clearly, with all the details. And try to ask yourself - do I want aggression against me and do I ask for pain to myself? Most likely, your answer will be "no, I don't want that."
2. Try to understand what choice you face. Choice options can be visualized by placing in front of oneself some objects that personify it for clarity. Materialization of choice will help you to look at this choice from the outside. In such cases, something new can often open up to you.

3. Further, as recommendations, one can propose to output the result of this or that choice in concrete terms, in concrete simple things, thereby including awareness and logic. There are many selection matrices, for example:

   - what will I get if I do it;

- what I will not get if I do it;

- what will I get if I do not do it;

- what I won't get if I don't.

Such matrices allow you not to fantasize about the possible future and the result and not to frighten yourself once again. But they are well grounded by the concretization of events and the result, thereby allowing to stop and reduce the feeling of anxiety and fear. But pay attention - only stop and reduce, not remove. It is still better to deal with the deep roots of fear in the office of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

4. Try to understand what makes you feel fear in one way or another. What scares you the most? Try to voice this fear for yourself a little more specifically, unfolding into the future the consequences of your choice in the format of concrete actions.

For example, I am afraid that if I make this choice, the following will happen. And when that happens, I will feel this and that. And when I feel this and that, then I will understand what this means for me the following and has such and such a meaning for me. And when I understand this, then I do this and that … and so on along the chain from actions to feelings, from feelings to thoughts (meaning) and again to actions until you feel that the chain ends. And it should stop with some very specific fact that will definitely harm you. Not global things like “everyone will turn their backs on me”, but a very specific and detailed answer. At this point, try to connect your fear of choice with the last link in this chain, with this particular fact. From experience with clients and groups, and it is in this place that the awareness arises that the fear is not real, but neurotic, not real. Often, after such an analysis, it even seems absurd - after all, no real harm is ultimately found.

This option is more difficult than the previous one, and is suitable for people who either already have the skill of their own psychotherapy or who are good at their own reflection.

5. If this does not help and the fear is so strong that it simply stops you and freezes you - find yourself a psychotherapist. Your his. Very often, the problematic of difficulties in accepting responsibility lies next to the problem of separation from parents - after all, physical separation and age-related adulthood do not at all mean mental and sensual separation. It is easier to cope with difficulties of this nature not alone, but with the help of a psychotherapist.