The Whole Truth About Trauma Or How To Help A Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The whole truth about trauma or how to help a child

"People are not afraid of things, but ideas about them."

(ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus)

What is the difference between stress and trauma?

Our life is inextricably linked with stress. In a sense, moderate stress is a necessary condition for a person's development, because in a new situation we get new experience, and without experience it is not assimilated. So, everyone is familiar with the situation of mobilizing the body before the exam: memory improves, attention becomes more concentrated due to the course of complex physiological processes. In general, psychologists divide stress into two categories - eustress - events of great emotional significance, which are subjectively pleasant for a person (wedding, moving to a new home) and distress - events that are unpleasant, unexpected, or those that did not have great strength, but accumulated one after another (for example, family disagreements, poor grades of children, quarreling with a colleague, and all this for a short period of time). Stress builds up and can lead to injury. But the trauma itself is most often an unexpected event, of such a huge, irresistible force that the body does not have the ability to process such significant information overnight. As a rule, trauma poses a threat to a person's values, and this is why it is terrible. An energetic "blow" occurs, if we are talking about psychological trauma, a person loses all three basic illusions: the feeling of control over his life, the illusion of immortality (no, of course, we understand that we will die someday, but this is not soon), illusions, that we are a little better than other people. Therefore, the reaction to trauma develops precisely in the event that the new reality cannot be accepted. And in a sense, a hole appears on the continuous line of life. Due to the unfinished traumatic situation, the nerve impulse remains in the body and psyche as a whole.

Is the injury inherited? And what happens to a person's personality?

If we talk about a situation of violence, we must remember that violence, like any significant event, is postponed into experience. And we do not just remember it (of course, we are talking about unconscious memorization). The mechanism is simple: within a few hours after committing violence against a person, the sacrificial part is encapsulated in his personality. But we also remember the state of the rapist, and a backup copy of him is deposited in the brain. Thus, the aggressor becomes part of the identity. And already with the passage of time at the moment of stress, we simply reproduce the scenario of violence that has developed in the brain, we activate our "demon". Or, scientifically, we show the "introject of the aggressor." Unconsciously. Such a mechanism of trauma, so violence is transmitted along the chain, from father to son. After all, the child has nowhere to go, he is actually deprived of rights. Moreover, due to age characteristics, he does not yet have experience in overcoming difficult life situations - he completely and completely depends on the will of the parent. So, evolution has not developed a backup option for a small child - in case of danger, he will run to his mother, even if the mother herself poses a danger to the child. The psyche always protects us, and therefore the salvation for the victim of violence will be dissociation - a state of falling out of reality, stupor. The whole personality will disintegrate into several "false" ones, which will be the salvation for the child, the psyche will force the pain into an unconscious state, but the price is great. On the one hand, the person will avoid the place where the traumatic event occurred, but on the other hand, the nervous impulse of the unfinished situation will seek to act out, to restore the integrity of the person. Outwardly, this will be expressed in constant attempts to find a similar situation and recoup, end the situation with a favorable outcome, again and again being traumatized even more (as we remember, a limiting scenario has been developed). In addition, in order to preserve the psyche, emotions are frozen so as not to live with great pain, not to go crazy, therefore, the sensitivity is reduced, because you cannot anesthetize, anesthetize some feelings and leave others intact. This is how a person lives, not breathing deeply - his vital energy is spent on erecting "fences" around himself, sometimes high-rise concrete structures … Along the way, such a person devalues his own pain and does not notice it in others.

Such a trauma, when the situation abruptly disrupted the usual course of events, will be called shock, especially if the victim or witness was a child, lonely and without support. Or we can talk about developmental trauma, if the situation was repeated, even “just” in the case of spanking or derogatory gestures from the parent. For example, having experienced domestic violence, an adult may reason like this: “I was punished, beaten with a belt, but I grew up as a man. With children this is the only way to do it, otherwise they will not grow up as people. Carrying such a model through generations and at the same time demonstrating to children that violence (no matter whether emotional or physical) is the only argument in the dispute, one wonders: is it the inheritance that we pass on, is it the best?

The answer can be a snapshot of an injured person, whose brain has undergone changes in the most anatomical plane - you can see the damaged brain tissue, nerve cells are deformed.

Why is it not customary to beat children now?

It must be remembered that the main feeling during loss, grief is grief, while the main emotion in trauma is fear. And anxiety. If children were beaten, and this was not considered shameful in the last century, cherishing the resulting learned helplessness (a common quality for countries with a totalitarian system, by the way), since factories and plants needed obedient workers, then in the conditions of a post-industrial society creativity is in demand, ingenuity, the ability to fantasize and think boldly - all this cannot be built on the emotions of fear - fear clamps. Astrid Lindgren, Carlson's “mother”, was well aware of the consequences of domestic and non-domestic violence for the child's psyche, so in the seventies of the last century she led the campaign against violence in schools, and Sweden became the first country in the world to abolish physical punishment.

How can you help your child cope with trauma?

As already mentioned, the body works in a special mode under conditions of trauma. The right hemisphere, which is responsible for the formation of images and processing of sensory information, "gives" too much information to the left, which is responsible for logic and verbalization, it systematically fails, and the brain "freezes". In addition, the connection between the hippocampus (responsible for biographical memory and orientation of the body in space) and the neocortex (control over emotions) for a short period of time is cut off, and memories are not time and place stamped, so the memory of a stressful event is fragmented. That is why it is so important to immediately start sharing your traumatic story with those people who are always ready to listen and not rush to evaluate. I tell my child about the rule of 5 friends using the example of a hand with its five fingers. A teenager can notice that it is not always possible to contact parents, but it is important that at least 3 out of 5 people are adults. If a person does not share his experiences, restrains feelings even while being alone, the trauma will remain, it will pass, like any destructive energy, into a state of a bodily symptom of the widest range - from asthma to diabetes mellitus. It is possible to understand the work of the parts of the brain at the time of injury using the example of a model of the brain as a 2-storey building, which even a 4-year-old child can easily master. I took as a basis the scheme of Daniel Segal, a famous American neuroscientist, supplemented and improved it, since I consider it the most successful for explaining the mechanism of trauma to children and adolescents. I often travel to Donetsk villages on the fire contact line, and such a scheme greatly helps in the matter of psychoeducation.

What happens on the “lower” levels of the brain and who is cleaning the ladder?

So. Our brain is like a two-story house. At the base of any house there is a foundation. What is it for? True, this is the foundation, and without it there would be no strength of the structure itself. The foundation is our instincts, unconditioned reflexes: sleep, the very ability to breathe, eat, drink, swallow. We don't even think about how important it is. Here someone opens the door, and all eyes are on this person. Although I tell a lot of interesting things) This reflex is called indicative, it saved a lot of people. In general, the meaning of the foundation and of the whole house is to save our lives at all costs. The bottom floor is called the emotional brain. This is the making brain. The main task of this floor, closest to the base, to the foundation, is to maintain safety and serve needs. Characters (little men) live here who are wary of danger and warn about it: Vigilant Maxim, Frightened Ivan, and Big Boss with a button. More about her later. On the second, top floor, there are heroes who solve problems and help cope with emotions. Comforting Paul, Controlling Nicholas, Problem Solver Peter, Creative Mary, Compassionate Anna, Moral Innokenty. The main function of this brain is to think. Residents of two floors visit each other on the stairs, drink tea, communicate, play games, they are equally important to each other. This is in a calm, peaceful life. What Happens With Stress? (I give an example of shelling). There is a staircase between the floors, the Big Boss has a button, and if Vigilant Maxim noticed a danger to life (a person has five basic senses), he pushes the Big Boss in the elbow, he manages to say: "Residents of the upper floor! Danger to life! ! Take control "and pushes the ladder back. Some call this condition "the plank fell" or "the roof moved off", but you already understood that the whole thing is in the stairs. In moments of danger, a person can jump over a two-meter fence, a woman can even jump out of a window and leave her children for a while, because morality and morality remain on the top floor, with which there is no connection for a while. Because the making brain, the bottom floor, has the goal of survival of an individual, a person. Over time, as the situation levels off, Big Boss puts the ladder back in place. But here's a peaceful life. There is no shelling or they are very far away. Still, a loud sound, such as the sound of a salute or the sound of a door slamming, can cause Frightened Ivan to push Big Boss in the side, or Vigilant Maxim will do it. Once again, Big Boss decides that there is danger and presses the button. And this is in a peaceful environment, where there is no danger. What depletes the body, we get very tired of it. What to do? - It is necessary to have time to the Solver of the Problem from the thinker, on the upper floor, to send an SMS to the mobile to the Big Boss with the text: "STOP". In time. And such an SMS is belly breathing. (After that I teach children the skill of diaphragmatic breathing - the "breathing square" technique - at the expense of 4 inhalation with the belly - it protrudes a little, at the expense of 4 there is a delay, at the expense of 4 exhalation - the belly is pulled in and at the expense of 4 hold before inhalation - five cycles in the morning and in the evening), inhale through the nose, exhale always through the mouth, for a duration such as inhalation or more. Then I talk about the stages of experiencing traumatic stress and exercises that can help at each stage)

Can injury be prevented?

In trauma, a person goes through several stages at once, one of which is called "traumatic scissors", when the forces of excitation and inhibition are equally great, so that they cause tremors, nervous tremors. This trembling needs to be intensified. The state of stupor can be prevented by talking to the child, describing simple things - what you see, what you hear, what you feel.

How do you know if an injury has occurred?

Trauma has its own characteristics. Sometimes the trauma is delayed - when the whole brunt of the loss reaches the person. There are several signs of injury. These are flashbacks, when pictures of the situation are in front of the eyes, a state of fading, numbness, outbursts of anger or reactivity, hyperexcitation, compression like a spring, hypervigilance, avoidance behavior and sometimes a decrease in all cognitive processes. If we talk about children, more often they seem to be "glued" to their parents, a regression is triggered - a transition to the early stages of development, perhaps in order to put the parents in a dominant position, reminding who is in charge here. Or the child becomes taciturn and avoiding any society. But do not let yourself be fooled - in all cases this behavior has a subtext: "Help." There are never many hugs, they and tacit participation will help at first. You can find recommendations for accompanying children at the link

Information for teens

Attention: the scheme of the contract with the child - no screams and tantrums

Finally, I would like to talk about the ability to withstand. Children are a kind of test for the strength of each parent. There is a good Jewish saying: "Parents teach children to talk, children teach parents to be silent." Indeed, children are receptive to words only at rest - in a crying state, the child is not able to perceive anything, so you should wait for a break, a sob (the child needs it in order to breathe again) and say calmly with participation, for example:

- You are offended (angry, angry …) - they named the feeling, introduced to it - this time. -

“But you know that ice cream is only after a meal.

- We agree, we show that it is customary for people to negotiate. These are two.

“So let's buy it and you’ll eat it after dinner.”

- A reasonable alternative is three.

What's behind our cry

But there is one problem. Big. - the same stresses. From our own fatigue, overload, unresolved situations at work and in the family, we break down and shout at our loved ones. At the moment of breakdown, we reproduce stable stereotypes or, as psychologists say, patterns of behavior. The pattern is fixed every time it is reproduced due to the ever-improving conductivity of neural pathways, and now we are already starting "with a half-turn." That is why there is no point in simply holding back, since the “conserved” nerve impulse remaining in the body can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.

In my conversations with children and adults, I consider it necessary to legalize all feelings: there are no “good” feelings or “bad” feelings, because they signal us about needs that are satisfied or not. For centuries, evolution has developed an accurate instrument that can measure "internal temperature" - nothing more accurate and faster than emotions will signal how much we have supported our need for security, for example. If not - you guessed it, we will feel fear. And this is completely and completely normal. A traumatized person cannot navigate his emotions exactly - as you remember, he lives and breathes in an undertone.

How to keep the connection and what to inherit - instructions

A) It is important to name the feeling that you are experiencing and immediately warn those close to you when you come home that you are out of sorts and you need time to move away. By naming the feelings and your emotional attitude to the child's actions ("I am now angry"), you enter into safe contact with him, because you do not evaluate him, but express yourself. Teach your child to mark and name their emotions and feelings - this is how you develop emotional intelligence. In case of a possible breakdown, focus on the sensations you are experiencing (heart tightening, gasping for breath) and relate them to emotion. Remember when you experienced something similar in your life. Perhaps your mother is speaking in you now - parental attitudes live in us for a very long time, sometimes for life, but they do not always help. Allow yourself to keep a diary in which you could record these observations. Also note the "degrees" on your inner anger barometer. Determine the mark on the barometer at which you begin to "boil", immediately name this feeling out loud and start doing the "breath square". This simple yoga exercise will help you calm down internally and build a dialogue. Not every person can afford to turn to a psychotherapist or psychologist, although it is very important to have a “safe” person who will silently listen, will not rush to give advice, will be tuned in to you and teach you how to maintain internal balance. In any case, the rule of "five fingers" applies - 5 people who can be contacted and they will always help. Do not forget that the fifth person is you yourself, diaries, as well as letters from the future to the past, in which the addressee and the sender are the same person, namely you, serve to communicate with yourself.

B) It is important to allow yourself not to be an ideal wife, mother, or employee, because the ideal exists exclusively in fantasy and cinema, and you can still gain courage and close traumatic stories from your own life with the help of a trauma therapist.

C) Children are people too, and our assessments are nothing more than an expression of latent aggression. We can only compete with ourselves yesterday, and certainly not with the neighbors on the desk. It is quite difficult to stop your words, but gradually it is possible to move away from assessments and edifications, the tools we inherited from the totalitarian system and eternal directives. I will repeat myself. -The ability to withstand the pain and feelings of another person, and especially your child - naming them so that the child himself learns to determine them - is the main competence of an adult, the main sign of growing up. The child, looking at you, understands that his strong feelings are not so terrible, since they can be withstood. -This is only part of our feelings - as you remember, the energy has no sign. (The plus or minus sign is already given by people.) As a result, reflecting your ability to accept, the child begins to believe in himself and in his ability to grow up on his own, since children always reflect their parents. - The great Jean Piaget said: "A child is a symptom of the family."

And then the fulfillment of points A, B and C will mean the beginning of work with your own feelings and attitudes, because the most valuable, and sometimes the only thing that a parent can do to raise his own child is to work on himself. Alas.

D) Unconditional maternal love and the limiting role of the father contribute to the creation of a secure attachment for the child. Then he will not be afraid to tear himself away from his mother and explore the world on his own. We love children only by the fact of their existence, and this is exactly what you do.

E) Teach your child to follow the rules in your home or school, following social norms is necessary for his own safety. Consistency in punishment that should not demean the dignity of the child is the rule, because the family is a hierarchical structure.

Teach? Only by example

Children are an exam before God, sometimes it is enough to remember that upbringing is nothing more than a research experiment, and nobody canceled spontaneity. On the one hand, following family traditions and rituals (for example, lying down for the night), you strengthen the child's psyche, on the other hand, justified spontaneous decisions cause a surge of creativity and good mood. Remember your desires from childhood and invite your child to spend time together - launching a boat on the water or running in warm rain in rubber boots - what could be better than these lively moments of joy? (in our world filled with computers and the internet)

And then, along with the memories, your child will have an “airbag” that will support and accept him on difficult days. Because the image of a loving, understanding mother will forever be imprinted in his heart. After all, love is something that we all sorely lack. And this is the legacy that children will always readily accept and pass on with warmth further, to their children, and those to their …

Everything passes, but love remains

Elina Vorozhbieva, Master of Psychology, crisis psychologist, child and youth psychotherapist, trauma therapist, author of rehabilitation methods for stress resistance and the development of emotional intelligence