LOVING YOURSELF IS HOW?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A note on "accepting oneself" in its bodily aspect in questions and answers (following the conversation with journalists)

Question: What is the typical thinking (behavior) of a girl who does not like her body? It is clear that there are extreme cases, such as anorexia and bulimia, but, perhaps, there are some behavioral traits that are not so obvious and many have become a habit - well, for example, a girl is constantly trying to fit into clothes bought in size 44 with the existing 46th and terribly upset that it does not work out for her? Is this a rejection of the body, from the point of view of psychology? What steps should be taken to get rid of this?

Answer: In general, the rejection of your body is connected not so much with what ideals the media broadcast to us, but with the period when these very media are of little interest to us - with early childhood, and even with infancy. A child is born in the tabula rasa variant - his nascent consciousness is a "blank slate" - and the development of his psyche is the result of socialization, and all elements of his self-relationship (self-esteem, self-respect, self-love) are the product of what he has learned through his attitude to his parents. In this issue, the decisive role is played, first of all, by the attitude of the mother, since she, for the most part, takes care of the child's body from birth.

Therefore, if the mother herself has physical problems - for example, the body is considered "dirty", shameful, alarming, and sometimes simply perceived as a kind of mechanism or automaton for serving the "higher spheres" of a person, then she will not be able, as psychoanalytic authors expressed, "libidinally charge" the child's body, that is, transmit to him the pleasure of his body, the feeling of him as pleasant, sensual and beautiful. Then the child's body image is formed with distortions of varying severity. And in this case, the degree of one's attractiveness in adulthood is constantly determined by the attitude of others, opinions from the outside, assessments of other people and the degree of compliance with certain external, usually social, criteria (the inner "core" of well-being and confidence in one's own attractiveness has not been formed). An incredible effort is put into collecting positive feedback, admiration and attention that was not received in childhood (all of these narcissistic difficulties lie at the heart of the passion for endless uploading of selfies on social networks or the fascination with expensive status brands).

Many women need to look in a certain way in order to finally earn the right to be loved and pleased with themselves, so the army of cosmetologists, nutritionists and plastic surgeons will never be left without work. Often there is a projection of the "ideal", for example, on a top model, actress or beauty-friend, whom you always "do not reach". There are also extremes, accompanied by eating disorders or unnecessary plastic surgery, but all the suffering from "one's own ugliness" is only a consequence, not a cause of dislike for one's body. Those who have everything in order with the "libidinal charge" usually calmly relate to the ideals of beauty provided by show business, and even noting that this or that person is beautiful, do not experience an inferiority complex.

A typical train of thought for a girl who does not accept her body is that she believes that something needs to be corrected in it (remove cellulite, inject Botox, correct her nose, drastically lose weight or "pump up" something, etc.)), and then she will start to feel attractive. But usually, after all these manipulations, after a while a new goal of corrections appears or the achieved results are derailed (for example, she gets better again), and everything starts all over again. And all why? The child's rejected part inside the psyche remains in the unconscious and continues to want to be loved and accepted as it is, without constant "deserves" and "turning inside out" for the sake of attention and praise.

A child has a basic right to parental love, acceptance and admiration and is not obliged to earn all this, but since parents often manipulate the child's need for affection and the child's total dependence on them for various reasons, inside the psyche of many adults, alas, we observe completely the opposite picture. Therefore, the main sequence is to first deal with the “inheritance” from the parents, and the rest of the problems will be solved as a result of the reconciliation of various conflicting and not always perceived “voices” within one's own I (and confidence in one's own attractiveness, despite a large nose, and weight will normalize when the internal conflict as the cause of weight gain subsides).

Question: How does body rejection affect a girl's sex life? We often hear that someone turns off the light when having sex, hiding under multi-layered clothes, etc … This has a negative effect on a person's sex life - or can we assume that the main thing is his comfort?

Answer: Physicality and sexuality, of course, are directly interconnected, since erotic pleasure, first of all, instinctively, physiologically, just like our body, and it is on this basis that all psychological and social aspects of our personality are then built on

If the foundation is skewed, the conclusions are obvious. Their complexes are projected onto the partner, who is perceived as potentially (emphasize the necessary) evaluating, humiliating, rejecting, or even disgusted with respect to some part of the body or actions of the partner. Sometimes he can be perceived as some kind of arbiter who can symbolically "grant permission" to feel attractive if he won his recognition. In fact, the partner is "hung" on the criticizing part of his I in the form of various fears ("What if he will be disappointed? Will he laugh? Will he not want more? Will he think that I am too fat? Etc.) What kind of bodily pleasure then can we talk about, if a woman only thinks about turning in a favorable angle, covering cellulite with linen, not wrinkling … Sex turns into demonstration performances (then, of course, it is easier and more effective in terms of orgasm to simply turn off the light), and the bonus can only be a narcissistic pleasure from compliments or a successfully "played role", which, again, is tied to the fact that the value and attractiveness of one's own body is determined by the assessment of another person, while in people with a positive attitude towards their body this is projected onto the partner, which leads to mutual idealization of the body each other (regardless of how it looks in reality) and an increase in the feeling of their own attractiveness and attractiveness of the partner's body. a friend “for details” and perceive the general image of a partner as attractive and awakening the desire to be near and to touch.

Question: What does the question of accepting one's body look like in men? Is it true that they have a simpler attitude to this issue both about themselves and about their girlfriend?

Answer: Yes, it is true. The reason is in the sociocultural differences in the upbringing of boys and girls. In most cultures, boys are allowed more aggressiveness, independence, and more overt sexuality. A more or less strict taboo is imposed on female sexuality. (As you know, a man who had connections with many women is a "playboy", and a woman who has had sex with many men is a "whore"). Therefore, when raising a girl, her sexuality is often suppressed in one way or another. Analysts also point out that in boys, the basis of their sexuality - the penis - is visible from early childhood, and is an object of pride (until old age), while the girl's genitals are located in the body cavity, the breasts and fertility are not yet developed., therefore, she does not have the opportunity to ascertain the basis of her sexuality, as well as, for the above social reasons, and her right to it.

In addition, due to the fact that boys, and, subsequently, men, strive for greater autonomy, and women are more emotionally dependent, then from childhood girls are taught that they should seduce, lure and hold. As a result, men, being the one who are attracted, are more frivolous in matters of face and body beauty (and there is no active competition among men on the topic “I am the loveliest in the world”). In addition, the male brain is focused on the generalized perception of the image, to quickly "grasp the essence", from the series "like / dislike", "attracts / not very much", and not on the analysis of details such as "is there cellulite and where is it Exactly.”They often don’t even remember“what kind of underwear she was in that night,”and a woman could spend several hours and a lot of money on that underwear.

Question: Now from the question "Who is to blame" let's move on to the question "What to do?" …

Answer: If we talk about psychotherapy, then it should include at least elements of a body-oriented approach. This is the main means of help in this matter, and the deeper the origins of the problem go into childhood, the longer it takes to heal - some people have very little sensitive body, almost stiff, or already many psychosomatic problems have accumulated, including with childbirth in women. In addition, many, especially in our country, do not have the inner right to take care of their body or enjoy it in a healthy way. There are also two additional ways:

1. To eroticize the body on your own, ie. actively and consciously form an internal positive attitude towards oneself, learn to enjoy the body and its beauty - I often recommend my clients to take themselves to the bathhouse, fitness, to yoga, dress up beautifully, smear with pleasant creams. The main thing is to do this as if pampering a small child. Not just "I am attractive and charming", but "Now I will smear YOU, baby, you will be all so tasty and pretty!" This process (exactly the process!) Requires a maximum of time and effort and a minimum of skepticism on this issue, although the inner critic will often devalue all this, "they say, there is nothing to suffer from nonsense!" It's good to dance and perform (albeit unprofessionally - at amateur concerts or for friends) - this will help to put the body in order, and will contribute to creative self-expression.

2. Trust the person who loves you and learn to see yourself through his eyes. How many stories there are about how a loving reflection in the eyes of a significant Other healed many problems. The main thing is that it does not turn into another emotional addiction, in which case self-esteem remains situational ("Next to him I flourish, and without him I am again ugly, I feel worthless, like a deflated ball.") This is possible only if consciously to believe in the attitude and words of others, then it will be able to consciously assimilate as a "base" and become a self-attitude, the same positive attitude towards oneself, which it did not once become.