ABOUT NOT LOVING MOTHER AND WRONG CHILD

Video: ABOUT NOT LOVING MOTHER AND WRONG CHILD

Video: ABOUT NOT LOVING MOTHER AND WRONG CHILD
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ABOUT NOT LOVING MOTHER AND WRONG CHILD
ABOUT NOT LOVING MOTHER AND WRONG CHILD
Anonim

This article is about children who feel wrong, not good, stupid and not very beautiful, ignorant, worthless. And also, this is an article about moms who don't know how to love their imperfect children..

The beginning is kind of very sad and, perhaps, from the first words of the reader, something can move inside, respond with familiar pain. But, if you decide to read to the end, it means that this is somehow about you.

It is not customary to speak badly about mothers. It is customary to thank mom for the gift of life, for lack of sleep, for “so much done” for the sake of the child. And the phrase "Mom doesn't love me" seems completely seditious. You want to disown her, hide, run away, because if you say it out loud, your heart will burst with pain and despair. After all, the child receives the right to life, confirmation of his existence, recognition "You are and this is good" through the love of his mother. Through LOVE. Not through feeding by the clock, not through education by books, not through driving in circles and "development", not through donated toys and steamed cutlets (because it is more useful). And through Love.

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And how is mother's love? This is when the mother shares the child's pain and sadness, the child's tears are her tears, her pain. This is the joy of the success of the child, not because it is the success of the mother, but because it is the triumph of her child. Mom is ready to take the child's pain - for herself, but leave the child's success - to him. Mom's happiness and joy - from the very presence of the child in her life, from his very sight. It is happiness when a child folds his lips, when, asleep, he wrinkles his nose and laughs with his legs. This is when he, interested in a ladybug crawling on a blade of grass, attentively observes. This is the recognition "You are. And this is good." And if a child understands that he is a blessing for his mother, then he intuitively concludes that he is a blessing for this world. And his presence in this life is right, it should be so, he is needed here, on this earth.

Let's pretend Mom doesn't feel all of this. There are reasons for this - their own childhood traumas, their own pain of the experience of deprivation. It happens…

What does a mother feel when she looks at a sleeping child, how he plays, how he studies, how he steps into a puddle and asks not to go to kindergarten today? Somewhere deep inside there is a feeling, or rather, the knowledge that I don’t love him, I don’t need him, because he reflects myself in childhood. Because he expects love and acceptance from me. He, this little bundle of life, needs something that I do not have, that I cannot give him. And I have to give, because if I don’t give, then he begins to cry pitifully, twists with his tiny hands, begins to pull at the hem of my dress and so pitifully looks into my eyes in search of that very love that does not exist and did not exist.

And then a wave covers with an unbearable feeling of guilt and shame. The very presence of a child in the life of an unloving mother confronts her with her own injuries, with her own emptiness, a hole inside. These hungry baby eyes, hungry for mother's love, are a testament to her absence. This is an unbearable experience!

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And then, in order to hide from her own guilt, the mother begins to control the child. She looks for flaws in him and begins to fix it. She replaces her own irritation with dissatisfaction with the child's imperfection, dissatisfaction with his mistakes. This is an acceptable option. Because it is impossible to tell other people that I do not love my child and that he annoys me with his presence. But say that "my mischief has again gotten another three" - and now you can already meet a sympathetic look.

The mother's guilt provokes another portion of discontent and criticism, which makes the child despair, from which the mother feels even more guilt, which she covers with a new portion of irritation, criticism, which causes even more despair in the child, and so on, in a spiral.

A child grows up with a sense of his imperfection, imperfection, wrongness. He understands that something is wrong with him and it needs to be urgently corrected. And then, for the sake of his mother, he begins to shred himself, reshape: here - he cut off the wrong piece of himself, there - he increased a piece to cover his ugliness, here - he reduced himself, there - he squeezed out. But no matter how much he chops up and removes himself, mom still doesn't like it. He receives a specific message: "It is not okay with you, the way you are - you are not correct, you do not suit me."

But mother, first of all, needs to explain to herself why she cannot be proud of her baby, why she cannot enjoy his presence, why she cannot be happy from her motherhood. But where is there to rejoice if he fainted! Studying, if not bad, then not good enough! Forgets to wash the dishes! Yesterday I washed the floor with the wrong cloth! Refuses to eat cabbage soup with sauerkraut! Pronunciation in English is lame, and she misses piano lessons altogether! Shakes my nerves! These are the very "mother's truths" that lead away from the horror of the realization of their dislike.

And no matter how much such a "wrong child" tries to patch up, remake himself, there is no end and end to the dissatisfaction of his mother. His successes are either ignored or discounted. And if he tightened up the pronunciation in English, then later it will be discovered that his friends are worthless, fools.

The wave of criticism will never end, firstly, because a person (and even more so, a child) cannot be perfect in everything, people are not perfect at all. If something is good in one, then in the other there will be some flaws. And secondly, even if you recognize the success and splendor of your child, his works and efforts, then you will have to be proud of him, then the logical outcome will be love, recognition and acceptance. And this is what a traumatized, cold mother cannot feel. And then the whirlwind of criticism and irritation enters a new round. And so, without end and edge.

Then there are two options for the development of the plot: either the child continues to deserve love endlessly (if not in front of his mother, then in front of his spouse, the head of work, in general, other people), or if the child's self remains at least somewhat intact, then he begins to understand that something is wrong here. And then he tries to distance himself from his mother, to separate himself.

It's not that easy either! When he tries to move away, he meets another portion of anger: "After all, I did so much for you, did not sleep so many nights, helped so much, taught, and you …". Already an adult, he, a child, finds himself between a rock and a hard place: between his guilt for the desire to move away from the aggressive mother mother and unwillingness to endure her urge anymore into your life. He becomes hostage to feelings of guilt and duty to his mother. It's not so easy to break out of these shackles! After all, all his childhood and youth he was "trained" to be good and correct, agreeable and convenient. Not to be like that, not to follow my mother's commandments is equal to surrender myself to the mother's anathema. But to tolerate further mother's depreciation, control, criticism, discontent is already becoming more unbearable.

An adult child faces a choice: either to continue playing mother's game, destroying the remnants of his self, or to come face to face with his guilt for his "wrongness", for his "ingratitude" and live through the pain of this guilt.

The healthy option is the second, since it is impossible to achieve recognition, to get approval from an unloving mother. No, there will not be such a moment when mom will say "Ufff, well, everything, honey, now you are great! Step into your adult, independent life and do as your heart tells you! I bless you!" There will be no such, there is no such merit, after which the magic of my mother's confession “You are and this is good!” Will happen. Mom will always be unhappy …

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However, the mother is also a hostage of her emptiness and fear of loneliness, her maternal guilt for dislike. The closeness of the child is undesirable to her, but she is not ready to let him go at all. Also, it is not beneficial for her to see an independent, adult person in her child, because then she will have to recognize his right to not want to see her. And this is scary, unacceptable.

Being next to such a mother, the child feels despair from his wrongness, but moving away, he begins to be tormented by guilt for the betrayal of "so many things" mother. And yet - the fear of this independence. After all, it had been drilled into his head for so much time, how short-lived he was, how not ready to make decisions, how he did not know how to live his own life.

What recommendation for mom can be? Gather courage and face your own emptiness, your own loneliness. Live through your childhood traumas. To be filled with love - to yourself, first of all. After all, it is only out of one's own completeness that it becomes possible to share. This is not a one-day task and you will need the help and support of a psychologist.

What is the recommendation for an unloving mother for an adult child? Here you need to revise the image of your own "I". After all, after many years of redrawing for a mother, your own personality construct is lost and you will have to reassemble yourself. It is necessary to realize again who I am, and who I am definitely not. What are my qualities - mine. And which ones are artificially attached. Critically review my mother's guidelines and covenants, my mother's conclusions and conclusions about who I am, who I am. Collect in your piggy bank a list of achievements and successes that were previously trampled upon, devalued. To remember what I can do and what I'm good at, what, where I really am. And also - allow yourself to make mistakes, give yourself an indulgence for your imperfection and imperfection. Another thing is to accept mom for who she is. Accept the fact that she cannot give what I need. To understand that mom simply cannot give her love, so there is no point in deserving what does not exist.

When there is awareness of oneself, the idea of oneself and the inner piggy bank of achievements becomes heavy, weighty, when within oneself there is an appropriated right to make mistakes, then the fear of independence dissipates. All this will also not be acquired in a short time, this is a path, perhaps in several years. But no matter how long the journey is, it is worth taking, because at the end of it is Freedom.

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