Shame And Guilt

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Shame and guilt - emotions that each of us experienced - the same unloved ones, attributed by many to "bad" and "undesirable". I think that even the most inveterate followers of gestalt psychology, promoting living every emotion and deep immersion in the full range of human feelings, have a hard time coping with shame and guilt. Why is that? Why do we need these emotions? Where do they come from and how to deal with them? Let's think about this.

About shame

Shame is a socially conditioned phenomenon. Its mechanism is based on how a person sees himself in the eyes of the environment, on their perception and feelings. Shame is generated by situations when a person acts contrary to their ideas about social norms, morals and values. It is important to note that these ideas are subjective, because they are formed by the person himself, on the basis of his upbringing, life experience, worldview, understanding of the rules, etc. Consequently, these ideas are often erroneous.

Man, in essence, is a social being, with a highly developed sense of community. This is a historically conditioned fact, because in ancient times, in order to survive, people had to group and create tribes. Belonging to a society, a group of people, a family still plays a big role, therefore people are often focused on building trusting relationships with others. And the more closeness and depth of these relationships they want to achieve, the greater the risk of experiencing a feeling of shame, since the main reason for its occurrence is the fear of rejection. The more we strive for others, the more intolerable it becomes to think that they will not accept us. Perfectionists and people with high demands on themselves and others are also at risk. After all, when the requirements are so high and everything needs to be done perfectly, we create a lot more opportunities for dissatisfaction with ourselves.

When we are ashamed, we are ashamed of ourselves, a part of our nature, we are very rigid in our views on our own I. Integral perception is a very good and useful skill, but here it can play a cruel joke. It turns out that having committed one "bad" act (in the opinion of the person himself; it is not yet a fact that this act is really such), we automatically consider ourselves a bad person. Thus, we do not give ourselves a chance for error and "become unworthy in the eyes of society."

There is such a psychological trap - "mind reading". The essence of this concept is clear - a person assumes that he knows what others think and feel (usually based on the idea of his own thoughts and emotions). Does he really know everything about everyone? This is not only a mistaken and maladaptive position, but also very self-centered. And she has a great influence on the formation of a sense of shame.

Shame, in fact, is destructive, it is aimed at interrupting contact with the world, immersion in oneself, blocking activity. But thanks to its appearance, we can check our own moral and spiritual principles and coexist with other people.

About wine

Guilt is similar to shame in its emotional color, but it has some fundamental differences. The essence of guilt is how a person sees and evaluates himself, regardless of the opinions of others. It can be caused by a person's attitude to their specific actions, and not to the individual as a whole.

Mind-reading and self-centeredness play a large role in shaping feelings of guilt, along with internalizing responsibility. If a person has an internal locus of control, is more focused on his inner world, takes responsibility for what is happening, then his chances of experiencing a sense of guilt increase. Conversely, people with an external locus are less likely to experience such experiences. After all, an important component of the feeling of guilt is a person's idea of individual responsibility. And the more responsibility a person places upon himself, the more and more often he tends to blame himself. When you pull too much on yourself, it becomes much easier to fall.

Guilt usually causes a desire to justify, apologize, make amends, in contrast to the paralyzing shame, which a person wants to forget forever. There is a lot of energy in the feeling of guilt, it is constructive, forcing us to action, change, activity, at the same time pointing out the inner values and our own attitude to "good" and "bad".

How to deal with shame and guilt?

The main recommendation for overcoming feelings of shame and guilt, paradoxically, is the favorite phrase of gestalt psychologists - "Stay with it." When we experience negative feelings, we usually try to suppress them. At best, we are not very good at doing this, as a result, we experience constant background anxiety, sometimes not even realizing its causes. At worst, thanks to remarkable volitional efforts, we displace shame / guilt into the unconscious, and then they break out in the form of strong inappropriate emotions (for example, aggression) at a completely unexpected and often inappropriate moment, or in the form of psychosomatic diseases. Everything happens according to the principle: the greater the force of action, the greater the force of reaction. Therefore, it is worth trying to live these emotions, immerse yourself in them, try to understand their causes and meaning, find individual resources in them - this way you will be able to cope with them faster.

It is also important to remember about the impossibility of "reading thoughts" and clarify about the feelings of other people (and not think about them), not to take responsibility (after all, we are not omnipotent, and not everything in the world depends on us), not to set ourselves unrealistic goals and requirements, to be more flexible in relation to yourself and try to check your inner values more often (trying on social rules, canons and morality, and leaving only what corresponds to your inner self).