2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Despotism, tyranny, violence in relationships - physical or psychological: a very common topic for requesting therapy
Narcissist, despot, aggressor, rapist, psychopath: this is the name for partners who build relationships through blackmail, threats, manipulation, deception or physical violence. All of this occurs in relationships in different forms - very often. It is much less common to talk about it out loud.
By themselves, people with oppressive character traits, if they are sufficiently socially adapted, are not patients with psychopathy (but, according to new standards, with a personality disorder). But rather, accented in this direction. If you describe a personality with a drawing, then such a person has a very pronounced bulge or angle in one place (some kind of bright talent or ability), and, so to speak, “bulge” - failure, decompensation - most often in the place of empathy, the ability to sympathy, establishing affection and warm relationships.
How is a despot born? As well as the victim - in splitting.
The despot is the opposite victim. In childhood, the human psyche, in order to learn about the world, splits all objects into good and bad. A psycho-traumatic event cannot be adequately perceived, chewed and assimilated by the child's psyche - therefore, it also splits and the child internally identifies himself either with the aggressor or with the victim.
Example:
Parents, in front of their 4-year-old son, beat their 7-year-old daughter with a belt for not keeping track of him. For both children, this is a psychological trauma, especially if spanking, verbal aggression, manipulation and other cruelties occur regularly. Since the eldest daughter is being beaten, she is already in the role of the victim. And the younger brother, watching the scene of violence, can psychologically join the parent - that is, the aggressor - for his own safety.
What happens when a victim grows up? He is looking for an aggressor as a partner - who will complement what is suppressed in the victim. Those. - can be aggressive, fight back, attack. With the same partner, the victim will try to role-play to end the early traumatic experience, but most often unsuccessfully.
Despotic aggressors are looking for a victim, since that is a bonanza for his projections. Over time, such a person needs more and more confirmation from the outside - his invulnerability, strength, omnipotence and control over the situation and people, so as not to meet the second part of his experience. She looks exactly like that scared 4-year-old boy: who is afraid for his sister and for himself, confused and does not understand why they are so cruel to him, feels guilt before his sister, rage and at the same time fear of being rejected by the most important people in his life - parents.
Even an adult does not always manage to withstand and realize this complex cocktail of feelings, but for a child it is an absolutely impossible task. Therefore, the undigested childhood experience is encapsulated in the psyche, pushed to the backyard, and the child simply chooses to become that aggressive and strong person who can hurt, so as not to become the one who is in pain. The split child psyche can only choose from the categories of bad and good. There is no room for halftones here yet.
But displacing the ability to experience some feelings, we willy-nilly cut out all our sensitivity. And a person lives, grows up, but does not feel alive. Feels strong, courageous, cunning, calculating or dodgy, angry. But alive - no.
For this, a victim partner is needed - not only to torture him. He is also a living person nearby, capable of suffering, and rejoicing, and enjoying life - to fill in the gaps that are in his partner.
Usually, there is more than violence within such a relationship. Often this is a very exhausting, difficult and painful, but very valuable relationship for both partners - the union of two halves, sung in literature, music and cinema, who cannot live without each other (read - are in a co-dependent relationship). In fact, such a partnership is more like a union of two cripples - one leg does not work, the other's hands. Each has to do some kind of work in a relationship for two, and each does not cope with some other important part of it. And this causes a lot of anger, dissatisfaction and mutual claims.
The way out is to grow your second part - which at one time could not grow. For some, this is a healthy aggression directed at the outside world and at a partner. Someone has the ability to love, feel, notice oneself and another in a relationship.
Acquiring wholeness does not mean becoming perfect. It means getting to know yourself differently and learning to express yourself more fully in relationships. Accept yourself now, with your capabilities and limitations.
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