2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It may seem inconceivable to an ordinary, non-psychological person that people of this type have something to do with codependency, lack of freedom, violation of personal boundaries and denial of responsibility.
It's hard to believe that with these wonderful, sympathetic, caring, so comfortable and at times - such touchingly unhappy people, there could be something wrong! Every Soviet-bred mother-in-law dreams of such a daughter-in-law; for such a son-in-law, any mother will marry her daughter without the slightest doubt. The motto of these people arouses the admiration of society: "Everything for others and nothing for yourself!" They are kind. They are irreplaceable. They are caring. Alas, they are also unbearable.
Behind the every second care and the solution of all the problems that come to hand, there is a desire for total control. They seduce you with their helpfulness, entangle you with the availability of help, and imperceptibly fill the entire space around you. At some point, it turns out that you do not even know from which site to download a new book for yourself - this is also done for you by a partner-"martyr". Convenient, isn't it?
Very comfortably. The main thing is that these wonderful people do not demand anything in return. Nothing…
So, sometimes - mere trifles. One caveat - this little thing will be needed exactly when you do not have a single free minute. And it will take about four hours to do it. You will be mad with rage in search of a peach on a January night, but you will not be able to refuse out of guilt.
This is the typical trap of the codependent relationship with the "martyr", called passive aggression in psychology
"Martyr" always cares, suppressing fatigue, anger and irritation - and then splashes them out in the form of "innocent" requests, "caring" conversations ("You can’t do anything without me!"), various diseases just when it’s hardest for you look after. He does not know the word "no" - "martyr" never refuses, and thereby deprives others of the right to refuse.
Next to such a person, you live in constant gratitude and comfort. Until you try to limit self-care. People of this type will not tolerate a decrease in their presence in your life. They need the gratitude of others like air, they are painfully dependent on the feeling of their own usefulness.
The moment you try to tie your own shoelaces, you will have to face resentment, resentment, confusion and tears. And Guilt. It is Guilt, with a capital letter, that permeates relations with such people.
The fault is for the desire for separation and sometimes for solitude, for the desire for independence and not, God forbid, for the ability to do something well without the participation of a partner.
The fault is that you do not live only for the "martyr." And he lives only for you. It is, however, unbearable.
It is impossible to share this feeling with the victim. When you try to say a text in which the "martyr" will be able to discern even the slightest note of displeasure (and he knows how to find criticism in the most innocent remarks), you can see the transformation of an innocent kitten into an unhappy and offended fire-breathing dragon.
The indignant, wounded in his very heart "martyr", who put his life and health on you, the ungrateful one, will leave you in burns from a feeling of guilt and proudly leave alone to hurt. For about half an hour, after which he will moan to you from another room: "Where are my medications …?"
If you recognize in this description a partner, mother, girlfriend, friend - congratulations, it means that you tend to misunderstand your boundaries, shift responsibility for your life onto other people, and it is quite easy to manipulate you.
But you are unlikely to recognize yourself in the description of the "martyr", people with this type of behavior are sincerely confident in their perfection and they are rarely dissuaded. There are many reasons for this.
The main one, perhaps, is the most severe internal hunger for love. Love, which in childhood should have been given just like that, in a large unconditional flow - and which in fact had to be painfully deserved by good behavior, giving up oneself and one's desires for the sake of the surrounding adults. Once upon a time, the "martyr" was very clearly explained by his parents - he is a nonentity, he does not deserve love, attention and respect, for his sake his mother was tormented by childbirth, in order to buy him milk, his father suffers at work, he is guilty and not worthy of love. He can try to earn it, and then it is unlikely to succeed.
Total guilt for his own presence in this world pushes this person to continuous creation of good. Pain and emptiness inside, which I desperately want to console with love, which, according to experience, can only be earned by giving up your desires for the sake of loved ones. The deadly horror of the loss of love due to the exposure of one's own imperfection drives one into serious illness and depression. It's hard to live next to such people. But being such a person yourself is unbearable.
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