2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Once my friend and I had a drink and climbed to ride electric scooters. After driving two hundred meters, I crashed into a tree and fell. He smashed the left half of the body, doused the asphalt with blood and immediately sobered up. Mechanically threw him away from me. And a friend says - “what are you doing? Take it and stand on it back. You can still control it with your right hand."
Psychology of car accidents
You know, one of the most popular recommendations of psychologists for people who have survived a car accident is to get back behind the wheel as soon as possible. This is necessary in order not to fix the fear of driving in your head. So that the neural circuit car-horror-trauma-pain does not appear in the brain.
Actually, this was what my friend was guided by when he made me drive another half a kilometer. And he did the right thing.
In reality, something completely different is happening. To begin with, people, in principle, do not really care about their psychological health. If something extremely unpleasant happens, we try to forget about it as quickly as possible, no longer touch on this topic, close our eyes to the aching pain from the trauma itself and live as if “bypassing”. Like, under Andrei, we do not use the word "divorce". Or “just don’t give me Syutkin, I never received my diploma with honors.”
But the problem of all personal failures is the same - if we do nothing with them, we continue to “live” in them. Our reality is divided into "before" and "after", and this "after" includes one big and loud failure, which nullifies, reduces to a negative value all past attempts. One serious failure, a major financial loss, and at the consultation they say to me - "Mikhail, and then I realized that business is not mine at all." And it's also good when you have a choice - to do or not to do business, take the subway, forget the dream of becoming a great actress, and further down the list. But with everyday things, there is no choice. Metaphorically speaking, if a large wardrobe has crashed on you, then existing without wardrobes at all is an impossible task.
What am I actually talking about? That collapse, betrayal, divorce, loss are things that you can and should work with. And if they, pardon the tautology, are shoved away into the closet, according to all the laws of drama, one day it will fall on you.
Enough time
When people come to work with me with personal failure, this is usually a very extreme situation. And usually completely unconscious. Like, a person cannot go through an interview normally, he stutters and gets nervous all the time, and as a result, during the conversation, it turns out that a hundred years ago he was publicly let down by the moron boss.
That is, the trauma has become so unbearable that the symptoms have already begun, and these symptoms do not allow a person to live normally. In fact, if you have experienced severe fright, disappointment, pain, resentment, it is better to immediately run to a specialist before the cabinet falls.
But what do I usually hear about this? “But I’m already… years old, I’ve got used to living like this, I’ve resigned myself to this, I accepted this.” In fact, you can change your life even at 119 years old. And live this last year happily. It's a matter of motivation, intention.
You see, collapse, like a plant, takes root. Usually, when it comes to, say, a divorce, which took place in an intensified struggle and exhausted all the nerves, people are not afraid of the divorce itself. A relationship in principle. More often, self-esteem also falls sharply downward. Like "I couldn't build a normal family", or "I choose some bitches / goats." If we are talking about finances, it is also common for a person to attribute failure to some of his own qualities. Like "why am I such a fool / fool that I could not predict a sharp reduction in the price of toilet brushes for 2013". And then this construction begins to "walk" in all spheres of life. Men and women lose confidence in their attractiveness after betrayal, begin to consider themselves idiots after betrayal of a business partner, and so on.
At the origin
Of course, to see firsthand how this scheme is built, it is enough to go to the playground. When children fall, they do not say, "but actually walking is not mine" - they dust themselves off and get back on their feet. What do parents do? Right. "Why are you so dirty?", "Why is he so crooked?" Are you stupid?..". In short, our brother's patients will never run out.
Parents rarely scold the act itself - they usually attack the child himself. Hence this habit of associating the collapse with their personal qualities. "It was not a mistake - I myself am a mistake." Something like this.
Dear ones, no one in their right mind goes under a car to get hit. Nobody thinks about divorce, saying "I agree" in the registry office). No one is going to waste the most brilliant opportunities, no one is planning to lose all their capital, and the person who was just walking down the streets did not expect an icicle to fall on him at exactly 8:00 on Monday. So let's be objective: you are not to blame. IT HAPPENED. IT HAPPENS.
What to do?
Well, first of all, get to your feet as quickly as possible. If yesterday your apartment was taken away for debts, you can at least start looking for rental housing.
Secondly, admit that you are not fused from titanium, and some big trouble can affect you, and seriously affect you. That is, allow yourself to live the situation, do not try to forget it right away, but ideally, go to therapy.
And thirdly, and this is the most important thing, let time flow. Don't stop your life. Don't adjust it to what happened to you. Continue to enjoy life just like you did before. Eat delicious food, communicate not only with those who can support you now - but also with those who can stupidly cheer you up. Take a walk. Go to the movies. Feel shirts in stores, watch videos of cats on YouTube, do your job, make tea. Keep on living. Because an unsuccessful marriage, a lost business, or even a broken scooter is not a reason to stay in the past.
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